I'm not teaching this summer, so students haven't been able to work my last nerve. Luckily, the idiot I work for has been there to pick up the slack. Below is the letter I would really, really, really like to send to him. Unfortunately, I'm not independently wealthy, so I sort of need this job.
I have put up with you (sometimes quietly and sometimes not) for the past 3 years as you've driven this program into the shitter. Despite begin given 2 new faculty members who brought depth and substance to the program -- as well as its first hints of legitimacy -- you have done your best to piss away the most promising program in the division. Now that you've successfully chased away the other new faculty member and you are unwilling to fight for a replacement, you should expect a mutiny. My cup runneth over with your stupidity, and I cannot bear the thought of having to report to you for 1 more minute.
You fancy yourself quite the teacher. Do you know how many students have complained to me about what a waste of time you and your classes are? You teach the same thing in each of the 4 classes you bother to provide. They are sick of hearing the same lame stories again and again. When they get up and leave in the middle of class -- and don't return -- (yes, they've told me all about it), do you even notice? Of course not because YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!
Scholarship? No, it isn't a foreign word. It's just something you have no clue about. You've been teaching at Midwestern Miracle University for 6 years, but you haven't written anything, published anything, or probably read anything since you finished your diploma-mill Ph.D. program. Hell, you probably couldn't even find a journal article, much less contribute to one. And, no, Guns and Ammo is not an academic source. You didn't even present a paper until both of your new faculty members -- with combined teaching experience of less than 1 year -- were presenting at national conferences. Oh, right, you still didn't -- you made a student do all the research, create the paper, and then present it. Who knows what you actually did for it other than be sure that your name appeared first on the Power Point slide and program. Good luck finding another student to be your bitch. They've all heard about you now.
We had an extremely promising program that is now going to be gutted because of you. In addition to having the intellectual capacity of a grapefruit, you have absolutely nothing holding your spinal cord in place. I have never met a more clueless, incompetent, lazy buffoon in all my life! I put up with you the first year, stood up against you the second year, and completely ignored you the third year. Do not expect me to remain quiet anymore. Everyone -- except, perhaps, you -- can see what an idiot you are. I hear the sounds of the search committee kicking themselves in the ass on a regular basis for being ignorant enough to hire you in the first place. Oh, how they want you to go away. In fact, most everyone on campus wants you to go away, but you don't get it because YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT! I have no idea why they don't fire your ass.
I may not be able to get you discharged from the entire state; however, I will successfully get you removed from your position of authority over me. The school doesn't want to lose the only capable faculty member it has left in this program. I might even be able save some remnants of the program -- no thanks to you.
I hope you've fucked up your own summer at least half as much as you've fucked up mine!