Welcome To Student Centered University!

Forgive my possibly lame attempt at satire...but this is an only slightly embellished transcript of a college tour I overheard while visiting my alma mater recently. Can you guess where it is?
Welcome to SCU–also known as Student Centered University, located in the of bucolic foothills of Sweewater, Ohio! I’m Heather, and I’m super excited to be your tour guide today. All parents and students accounted for? Please feel free to ask me any questions during our tour. I’m currently a sophomore majoring in Mass Com with a minor in Business. Though I might totally flip-flop that next semester! Any business majors in the crowd? Wow, the whole group? If you’re anything like the business majors I know, you’re total booze hounds! OMG, did I say that out loud?! (giggles) Right this way...

On your left you’ll see the newly rennovated Student Union. It features a deluxe food court, with a make-your-own pizza counter, a taco and burrito bar–Los Amigos, two salad stations, Zesties–a burger and sandwich deli, as well as a convenience store and numerous vending machines. You’ll also find the bookstore, a ticket office, some study rooms, and a workout facility upstairs–you’ll totally need to stop there after a few days at Los Amigos! What’s that, sir? Oh yes, there are meal cards available in a variety of plans–it’s all in the brochures they handed out this morning. How much is it? No clue–talk to the people at Visa!

You know, some people like to call us “J.Crew U,” but that’s totally not true! I mean, I know all kinds of people here who wear Northface, Abercrombie, and American Eagle. So don’t believe the hype! I mean, there is a look here, and within a semester or two you’ll look just like us (or you’ll transfer–just kidding!). What am I wearing? Well, I have to admit, the top is J.Crew, but the jeans are Hollister, so I’m not a total clone. You know how they talk about the Freshman 15? Well, now it’s the Freshman 1500–as in the $1500 bucks you’ll spend on-line shopping! What can I say, college isn’t cheap these days. Now if you’ll follow me...

Just across the street there is the new Albert T. Fustheimer Acquatic Center. It’s so cool. I mean, I spend hours there just swimming and hanging out. It features an eight lane, 50 meter pool, a dive well with towers, a spa and leisure pool, and loads of classes for Red Cross certification and Scuba. What’s that? Oh–that building over there? I don’t know, it’s like for Math or something. Check your map.

Now just behind it–the big building with the dome–that’s our multi-million dollar Fitness Center. I usually get up around 7 to work out, and some days I just space out and completely forget about class. Fitness first, you know. It’s even better than the one at my country club back home: they have 10, 000 square feet of treadmills, cross trainers, free weights, rowers, Nu steps, and freemotion strength equipment. Plus there’s all kinds of yoga and fitness classes! Sure, half of them conflict with my regular classes, but the profs don’t mind–just tell them your aunt died or you have a “female problem.” Sorry, guys! Oh–and the best part? You can charge all the classes directly to the bursar. It’s like it’s free!

There are some more buildings ahead; you’ll take classes and stuff there. I had a Humanities class in that one–total bore. Just don’t take Dr. Rawlings, that’s all I can say. He made me take so many notes I barely had time to text my BFFN that AFAIK it was another BOHICA exam so BTSOOM! YOYO!

Now that we’ve crossed the Academic Quad we’re at the edge of campus and uptown. That’s where the real “magic” happens! I’m not supposed to take you any further, but students, your real education happens down there at Skipper’s, where they have eighty cent beers on Fridays! And I’m totally not supposed to tell you about Green Beer Day, but when St. Paddy’s day rolls around, you can find me with my sisters making a total ass of myself! We also have three gourmet Italian restaurants on Birch Street, a BBQ, a few chains–I’m totally in love with Cold Stone Creamery!–and some other place, never been there, it’s like ethnic or something.

So any questions? Yes, every new freshman gets a free I-Pod so you can download class lectures (yeah, right!) and participate in a virtually free music download program. You also get $50 free bucks on your SCU Bucks card, which is redeemable anywhere on campus or uptown. Don’t spend it all in one place! And yes, all freshman can drive to campus, and have designated parking–in the faculty lot! LOL! When I’m late I totally park wherever I can find it. The campus police are super lenient. Now, if we have time, I’m supposed to take you back to the Academic Advising Center (snooze!), but instead, let’s check out the university’s new luxury campus apartments! I live there with my best friend, Bethany, and we have a three bedroom, two bathroom unit–1,500 square feet–with a shower sauna! We also have a movie room with free video rentals and a tanning salon. I know, I know, when do I ever find time to go to class? Well, this week, not too much! Every day is a party at SCU–where the student comes first!