Researcher Smackdown

Some of my research students are among the idiots and assholes we deal with in class. It's a depressing venn diagram, believe me.

Disobeying Darcie: You actually told me, “I don’t wash your glassware. You hired me to do research, not to be your maid.” Are you kidding? I hired you because all the smart kids had signed up to work for other professors. You are damned lucky to work for such a nice guy like me. Other people’s research students do more than just wash a couple of extra test tubes.

Nathaniel Nobrains: You are a chemical engineer who knows no chemistry. What school would let you graduate? Oh, right, I forgot. You went here as an undergrad. Go drive a train, you moron.

Willnotgraduate Wilma: After hiring you from the computer science department and training you for two months, you disappear. I told your advisor that I was concerned about you. It was not a pleasant feeling when he started laughing, like he was hearing an old joke again. I think the joke was, “who’s the next professor who will hire this dipshit?” I’m the punch line.

Overworked Olivia: I’m both impressed and annoyed that you made a graph showing that you consistently do half an hour more grading each week than other grad students. I don’t care. Here’s a graph for you - it won’t make you happier but it should make you more agreeable to my very reasonable expectations of teaching assistants.

Arithmetic Ava: Thanks for complaining that professors back in the motherland don’t make their research students do so much math. Your country’s been occupied more times than an airplane bathroom. Sure, that’s probably not entirely because their scientists can’t do calculus but you know what they say... You don’t know? They say: shut up, learn to integrate, and get to work.

Ah summer! It's enough to make me look forward to teaching this fall.