First, I’d like to thank the Academy for allowing me to host such a prestigious event. It’s been the highlight of my year, so far. But, all good things must come to an end. It’s time for the big one, the “Brass Balls” Award. And the nominees are:
Attitude Aaron for “Do you actually think that you’re going to change our habits by being so strict with how we submit our homework?”
Missed-the-Entire-Week-After-the-Test Mark for “Can I have my test back? Well, why don’t you have it with you?”
Delusional Denise for “I can’t believe you don’t accept late work. All of my other professors do.”
Airhead Anna for “What’s this syllabus thing you keep talking about? Oh, you mean that paper we got on the first day.”
Foolish Freddie the Football Player for “Dude, you must be deaf.” (See “Post-Exam Smackdown”)
And the winner is . . .
No one. You’re all fucking losers.
(Based on a true story. In the past 10 days, students actually said these things to my face.)
Can you imagine any of these people in positions of responsibility? God help and save the United States of America, it's going to need it.
ReplyDeleteOne of the funniest endings to a post I've read.
ReplyDeleteI hope the students understand that it's a dishonor just to be nominated.
Some suggested replies:
ReplyDeleteTo Attitude Aaron (“Do you actually think that you’re going to change our habits by being so strict with how we submit our homework?”):
That is my intention, yes.
To Missed-the-Entire-Week-After-the-Test Mark (“Can I have my test back? Well, why don’t you have it with you?”):
A standard military-grade backpack only holds 60 pounds.
To Delusional Denise (“I can’t believe you don’t accept late work. All of my other professors do.”):
I'm very sorry, but your other professors are incompetent.
To Airhead Anna (“What’s this syllabus thing you keep talking about? Oh, you mean that paper we got on the first day.”):
(Smile and say:) That's right. It's also on page 1 of the Class Notes, and it's also available online, and I only mention it during every class.
(Alternative take:) Actually, a syllabus is a creature made up by John Milton in Paradise Lost. It's got horns, bat wings, and the body of a shapely woman. Oops, sorry, that's a succubus.
To Foolish Freddie the Football Player (“Dude, you must be deaf.”):
Dude, YOU must be STUPID.
Pat, I love the student awards format. I will have to steal it. (Perhaps we should call it the Pat from Peoria Student Awards.)
ReplyDeleteI was asking students today to sum up their semester so far, to gauge how things are going, blah, blah, blah. One brilliant young man--who missed all of last week--said, "Boring."
I've also been told that the assignments "suck," that the class "makes no since [sic]," and that Professor Wonderful in an entirely different department is so much better than I am that he should be teaching this class. That he teaches math and I teach English is a moot point.
Hang in there.
An associate of mine and I are involved in a volunteer activity that extends across several colleges and universities, and we see "wonderful" examples every week. We refer to them as the "Future Leaders of America" and then consider where we might emigrate. Maybe I have return rights to Ireland through my great-great-grandfather?
ReplyDeleteHowever, it just occurred to me that "Future Leaders of America" is F-L-A and we only need a K-E to finish the word for the acronym. Just can't think of the proper final words...
Are you allowed to just smile sweetly and say, "I see you are not ready for college!"
ReplyDeleteOr do you get fired for that?
> I've also been told that the assignments
ReplyDelete> "suck," that the class "makes no since
> [sic]..."
Whenever I get student evaluations like this, I want to ask, "Is that the best (or worst) you can do?" What gets me is that any adult could possibly take such comments seriously. One child complained, "He made me feel like an idot [sic]." If the shoe fits, you know...
Future American Intellectual Leaders
ReplyDeleteor
Future American Industry Leaders
Future Leaders of America Kill Everything (you hold dear)
ReplyDelete