...you might think that because I live smack in the middle of Student Central that I...say...live like a macaque, notorious inappropriate masturbators and throwers of shit. Perhaps you believe that I enjoy shitting on my bathroom floor, instead of using the toilet. Perhaps you believe that instead of bathing in my domecile or washing my dishes there, I prefer to (a) use disposable cookware and cutlery and (b) run through the neighborhood sprinklers.
Perhaps you believe these things.
These beliefs would explain how it is that you can (a) ignore my phone calls, (b) leave my bathroom drain completely stopped up (and the bathtub full of water) after some mysterious "maintenance issue" in an apartment that was not mine and (c) NOT fix the fact that my toilet disgorges water all over the floor, rather than funneling it down the appropriate pipe.
Dear Landlord, you are wrong. I actually rather like pooping in a toilet, I consider it to be one of the benefits of living outside of Starvistan. I like washing the dishes (well, kind of) and doing my laundry and cooking dinner in my apartment. These are not unreasonable wishes, Dear Landlord.
Dear Landlord, I got up at 5am this morning, and I would like to retire soon. I would like you to return my phone calls so that I can have a sense of whether or not Larry, Darryl, and the other brother Darryl are going to turn up to fix this disaster. I will be at work tomorrow at 7am, just as I was at work today at 7am.
Puzzling though it may be, I do. Indeed. Have a job. And I like to be clean when I go to it, in body if not in mind. Indeed, the aroma of stale sweat is hardly conducive to lifting the lamp of knowledge.
Dear Landlord, I am looking up the phone number of the Marriott now (did you know they were owned by Mormons?) and you will be receiving the bill.
xo,
B. D.
Call up a Hilton property instead. It's easier to obtain elite status so you'll see benefits sooner. In fact, it will be even quicker if you switch properties every night. Within 16 stays, you will be given a "free" dinner of 2 sodas and 2 snacks each night. Nicer Hamptons and Embassy Suites have a manager's reception with free booze (and snacks, of course)! During flu season I check into such hotels to get wasted and grade while protecting my home and family from whatever strain of typhoid my students have smeared on the exams.
ReplyDeleteI lived in a slum once. My heart goes out to you. Moving day was one of the happiest days of my life.
I had never thought of checking into a hotel to do my grading! Thank you, CMP. From now on, the local Fairmont is my Grading Centre.
ReplyDeleteI lived in the Student Slums my first year here in my current location, before I got into a more stable housing situation. I had a landlord who behaved much like the one you describe.
ReplyDeleteHe taught in another department at my institution.
I'm glad I could supply an idea of use, Merely Academic. My "real life" friends think I'm crazy. Home is really home now that student papers no longer darken my doorstep. And did I mention the booze? It really takes the edge off....
ReplyDeleteCMP, as I just commented in Eating Low Salt's post, you are awesome. Since I live 10 minutes away from campus, I usually just suck it up and stay in my office until I'm done grading, usually leading to my sleeping on the couch in our department's lounge (my wife doesn't like it, but she accepts it, especially since it only happens roughly 6 times per year). I like the hotel idea better. My wife's sister works as a sales manager for a local hotel in a large mid- to high-end chain and can score a discounted rate for me, usually in the range $20-$30 a night. Plus, in past stays, she's comped us unlimited use of the mini-bars. I think I'm going to start giving more tests.
ReplyDeleteCall a plumber too and send the landlord both bills. Then you can sue when he doesn't pay.
ReplyDeleteIch bin ein Grammar Nazi:
ReplyDeleteThat scumfuck building owner/manager is just a "slumlord", or in the independent press a "poverty pimp", "rental racketeer", or "Ron Roberts."* Such persons feed off the misery of others in bad situations, providing housing while not also doing necessary structural-mechanical work on the building. In the Navy he or she would be known as a "shitbird" or "kludge artist" and be loathed by their superiors. By not doing what must be done, the landlord becomes a slumlord, even if the building is semi-decent.
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* A San Diego joke; Roberts is a County Supervisor who owns buildings in Encinitas and is a slumlord through incompetence.
I've done the hotel thing as well, also when i need to get some serious writing done it has been very helpful. I post an "away" email message.
ReplyDeleteps: This post was not directly related to college misery at all, but rather to the geographical misery of living near the college. My apologies for the slightly non-topical notes.
ReplyDelete