The following is what I would like to post on the wall in the Math Lab that I run for half the day.
Rule #1: Don't be a douche.
This rule is self-explanatory.
Rule #2: Pick up your candy wrappers and throw them away.
I give you candy to be nice to you, not because I have to. See also: Rule #1.
Rule #3: If you want to see your file, please put everything back in order and bring it to me.
I am not your maid. You do not pay my wages and you certainly do not have a right to leave your file out and in a mess. See also: Rule #1.
Rule #4: Do not take the calculator from Mathsquatch's desk without his permission (which is NEVER granted!).
If you look at it, it is clearly marked that it belongs to Mathsquatch and should not leave the desk area. Taking it without his permission pisses him off and just makes him want to rip your arms off. See also: Rule #1.
Rule #5: If you take a quiz when Mathsquatch is not around, don't cheat.
I could say that cheating robs only you, but that's not true. Cheating potentially robs others. For instance, would you want to go to a doctor who cheated her way through medical school? I know that I wouldn't. See also: Rule #1.
Could we amend #1 to "asshole" or "fucktard," to avoid any possible gender-based negativity? Otherwise, I'm with you.
ReplyDeleteCome to think of it, since "fucktard" is (1)obscene, (2) casts what should be a positive act in a negative light, and (3) might be seen as perpetuating "retard" as an insult, let's go with "asshole," or perhaps "ass." I suppose PETA might object to the latter, but at least it's not obscene. "Asshole" has the disadvantage of being obscene, but the advantage of being an object/area that is possessed by both males and females, and is generally not seen in a positive light. Or should I be worrying about upsetting gay men and/or fetishists? This is getting complicated; I think I'll give up.
ReplyDeleteI attach a string to my calculator with duct tape, and duct tape the other end of the string to the desk. It takes quite a bit of force to remove it from the desk. Not that at least one fucktard/douche/ass/whatever hasn't tried it.
ReplyDeleteI love the term douche. Because feminine cleansing products are themselves so very misogynist, it perfectly captures a particular kind of dude. I've never heard it applied to women. Is a douchey woman merely jasmine-scented or whatever?
ReplyDeleteI would suggest the term "juicebag". It was used in Dilbert a couple of weeks ago (by our fine colleague, Dogbert) and can be used in "polite" conversation.
ReplyDelete@ Dr. D ...
ReplyDeleteNo offense to you (or our esteemed colleague, Dogbert) but, to me, "juicebag" refers to those non-juice box products ("Respect the Pouch!") my kids fight over.
The search continues ...?
Alas... maybe the word-of-choice will just have to be "f*cktard".
ReplyDeleteWhat about "asshat"? The implication is that one's headquarters are also one's hindquarters.
ReplyDeleteI was just scrolling quickly through the titles, and momentarily misread this as "Mathsquatch's Rules for Meth Labs." Now those would be interesting.
ReplyDeleteI like "asshat." And I take Frog and Toad's point about "douchebag"; if one admits the need for such things (I've never heard of a legitimate one, but maybe I'm missing out on some natural remedy for something?), then one would presumably consider the contents, not the person who used it, gross, and someone who thought douchebags were necessary would also be unhappy about being compared to one. On the other hand, if I used it as an insult, wouldn't I also be implying that I accepted the idea of a douchebag's grossness, which would it turn be accepting, in some way, its utility? Now I'm confused again. I knew there was a reason I don't call people names. Finding an insult which reflects shared assumptions while still stinging the other person is too complicated. I wasn't any good at it in 3rd grade, and I'm not any good at it now.
Finding an insult which reflects shared assumptions while still stinging the other person is too complicated.
ReplyDeleteThere's always "fool" or "idiot."