Itchy Ian
I'm sorry something is wrong down there, but during my class, please avoid not only scratching yourself, but spreading your legs far apart, and digging into your baggy sweatpants to do so. It's distracting and disgusting. Maybe you should find out if there is a cream or treatment for that problem.
Stoned Stefan
If you plan on getting high just before class, perhaps you should consider not taking the seat directly in front of me, and then nodding off and smacking your lips loudly while I'm talking.
Bored Brandon
I know you think that syllabus I gave you was just something you should tuck away in case you need something on which to doodle, despite me telling you that it should be your Bible for this class, but if I'm reading it to the class, I do expect that you'll follow along. Yes, I know it's boring, but I'm required to do this, and it really makes my life easier when I make policies and expectations clear right from the start. Oh, and pretending to look at it when I make eye contact with you would be a lot more believable if it weren't upside down. Yes, when you sit in the front row, I can see things like that.
Mentally Ill Melissa
I am sorry that you are struggling with your autistic child (not diagnosed, you just know it), and that you have depression (because you sleep late), and that your mother is bipolar (again, undiagnosed), and your mother-in-law is OCD (really? no diagnosis for her, either?), and that your little brothers have ADHD (because they are just so active!), and that your second cousin's best friend suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder, but I think that your family might appreciate if you kept your diagnoses of them to yourself. Counting down the list of mental illnesses you and your family suffer from (according to you, anyway) as the class is entering the room just seems inappropriate. I don't doubt that there is most definitely something wrong with you, but since I'm not in the field of psychology, I'll refrain from attempting a diagnosis.
They all sound like a fun bunch, especially Ian the Lord of Knardscratch. Were they this bad before standardized testing, or can we lay the blame on "No Child Left Behind?"
ReplyDeleteI had Ian Knardscratch last year! I also taught at a school with a notoriously high STD rate, so when I shared my tale of woe, one of my colleagues suggested that he might actually have a wee case of the creepy crawlies.
ReplyDeleteI don't generally do a "mental illness countdown," but when I am feeling especially surly and have to go the grocery store I -do- have a t-shirt that reads "DSM 311," my diagnosis code. People either ignore it or totally crack up...it's like a secret crazy person handshake.
(ps--Yes I know it's like "fake depression," give me a call sometime and we'll talk about "fake.")
ReplyDeleteJust be glad Itchy Ian isn't also a compulsive hand-shaker. Ewww...
ReplyDeleteChannel your inner Stella and call upon those with the deadest eyes!
ReplyDeleteActually, BlackDog, as royalty Ian would either be referred to as Lord Knardscratch or Sir Ian (insert birth name here), Lord of Knardscratch.
ReplyDeleteToo bad he is a peon.
@Strelnikov: I never taught before the era of NCLB, so I have no comparison, except that my adult students are almost always a joy. I'm sure that has something more to do with maturity and life experience than educational practices, though.
ReplyDelete@Blackdog: I don't doubt the legitimacy of mental illnesses, and know that many do go undiagnosed. My own mother suffers from a dissociative disorder, one of the most "controversial" diagnoses, or so I'm told. Along with the internal suffering, the stigma associated with any diagnosis can be an extra burden, and I genuinely feel for anyone dealing with mental illness.
I just think that this student must have had an intro to psych course, and thought she was prepared to assess her own mental health, and that of everyone around her. I think it's going to prove an interesting semester with her.
@Froderick: I think "ewww" sums that up.
@Ovreductd: Good suggestion, especially for Bored Brandon and Stoned Stefan.