When the Hell Did You Start Caring?

I absolutely love it when students check their grade four days after I tell them it's up on the net, then frantically email me about something obvious, like participation.

"Ms. May! (or worse, Professor May! -- they only use it when they grade grub) I just saw my participation score and it says 0. Could you put my participation score up please????!?!?"

Yes, because I totally forgot to do that.

Oh wait, no, that's supposed to be there. Maybe you should have been worried about your participation score when you didn't do your workshop, or when you missed the absolute maximum amount of class periods before I'm required to fail you.

Absentee Andrew's a prime example. He only had one absence and one tardy at midterm, but (and this is straight from his journal) he just decided he needed a few days off from my course to relax -- obviously he got way too stressed out to come and sit his ass down in a chair and do NOTHING. He racked up the absolute maximum, plus the maximum amount of tardies, so he was literally one absence or a tardy away from failing my course outright.

I made sure he knew exactly where he stood. The day he came back from his on again off again safari I pulled him aside and reminded him of the absence and participation policies, that he'd lost all of his participation points for the semester and if he missed any more time he would be failing my course, even if he was just a few minutes late. Needless to say, he planted his ass in that seat the rest of the semester. Not that he really did much while he was there, but he was there at least.

But as soon as I post those participation grades (okay, five days after I posted them but who's counting?) he emails me with a "I'm wondering why this is...I'm not sure why I don't have any points."

I feel like shooting myself in the foot to get out of the situation, but I remind him gently that he missed the maximum number of days and that this means he loses all of his participation points.

"Why were they taken away?"

...Taken? As in stolen from you while you slept? Cause I'm just sitting here in my office devouring stolen participation points like Cookie Monster on a binge. Sure. Or hey, maybe they're a type of magic money! That way I can actually buy new(er) clothes!

"When was I gone? I remember you saying I had one more and then that was it."

Ah, yes, the aforementioned conversation. So you remember me talking to you, then. Just obviously not a fucking word that I said -- Man, Harry Potter must have hit you with a gnarly forgeticus spell.

That, or you remember it with absolute clarity but you want to try to wriggle your way out of it.

As much as I'd like to send this email

Andrew,
Your points did not get taken, you LOST THEM from being gone too much, just like it says will happen if you would have read the GODDAMN SYLLABUS. You were gone as much as any person could have possibly been gone from my course and still survive -- did you think you'd be getting a perfect score on the one section where I'm allowed to actually make coming to class a requirement? Besides that, most of the time you spent in the seat was time spent actively (or inactively) staring at my face while I asked you all to actually say something. So no, no you don't get any fucking points. Now go the fuck away and stop being a fucking snowflake. Maybe if you would have cared more about this class earlier you wouldn't be in this situation -- hope you liked your much needed "relaxation time."

MM

I instead sent a calm email telling him the days he missed and reminding him of all the times I mentioned this policy to the class, including our little conversation. I'm sure the next I'll be hearing are excuses as to why he just couldn't possibly make it to class on those days. Good thing I don't give a shit and we have a "any absence is an absence -- no excuses" policy.