Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Summer in the lab
I managed to get by this summer relying only on the generous donations of US taxpayers and wisely converting all my research grants into gold. Woot, as the kids might say. That means no complaints about students, right? Please. Who do you think is working in the lab right now?
Complaining Carl isn’t happy about the progress he’s making. You want to meet with me to discuss this. Again. For the third time this summer. You leave work early, you go on vacation and you want to schedule a lot of meetings. Yeah, big mystery. You might be the first research assistant I’ve had who is destined for college administration.
Sick Sandra can’t seem to show up four or more days each week. You’re smart and you do good work while you’re not doped up on meds. Can you just get over the plague so that I can publish some data this year?
Below average Bob used to work for me, then failed out and transferred, then transferred back and into a different, easier major, then couldn’t even pass those classes to graduate, then signed up for a summer independent study with me to fulfill his final three credits, then does work more typical of a sophomore. I hope this run-on sentence conveys my feelings towards Bob.
Grad student Gerald will not maintain this nickname for long if you doesn’t finish your fucking literature review.
Flashdrive Frita is a loser. You are a loser of data which is the worst type of loser. You store everything you ever wrote, calculated and graphed all summer on a cheap USB drive, which you then lose. Loser.
The worst bunch of researchers I've had in a while. Why can't they do what I want them to? I pay their salaries! It does feel good to say that.
After sharing my summer (and research funds) with these lab rats, I’ve never been more excited about the beginning of the semester.