I woke up quite early, hoping to get my mojo for the week.
Instead, I quickly got drunk.
It was either the bourbon or crying. I chose bourbon.
The school people and routines have quickly settled in.
The novelty of the beginning of the semester is practically over.
I'm tired already.
The usual despair, but cranked up a notch:
The football players are clearly being abused worse than ever before.
Why do we even demand that they take classes?
Their brains cannot function.
The females.
So many have been screwed in a different way.
The lucky students do not realize they are lucky.
They do not appreciate their potential.
Encouraging them is like pushing on a string!
The fucktard colleagues. Oh, they lie.
No, no, lying is old school.
Today, they gaslight, obfuscate, and stonewall.
In a pervertedly extreme manner.
The administrative assistants are just too chirpy and
Creepily happy.
No one can be that cheerful, can they?
I want to punch them.
There is no end to the misery.
I am contemplating calling (emailing) in sick to work today.
Haven't done that in a long, long time.
I don't know how to smile this morning.
It doesn't seem possible.
The forces against it are so great.
Yaro, damn him, I love him so.
He makes my heart beat with a bit more vigor.
My cheeks, although I cannot see them, feel like they must be rosier
After I read his post.
But it doesn't last long enough, that feeling.
Even if the USA elected Yaro as the new president
And Myra as his chaste, though adorably smitten, vice president,
I doubt I could manage to smile.
Even if Mathsquatch, Eating Low Salt, and Burntchrome all returned
To chime in with optimistic, uplifting comments,
I would probably be down.
Even if Stella created a smoldering, ranting, wonderfully profanity-laden youtube video
And the Beaker commented with a bafflingly hilarious one-liner
"Does it matter?" I ask.
And maybe the only thing that keeps me going
Is that I think, I hope, I desperately hope,
That maybe Rick Moranis (or his female counterpart)
Will show up in my class today.
Like this....
I can hope.
I'm going back to sleep for a few hours now.
We'll see.
Rick Moranis is great. A very underappreciated comedic actor. He played his roles in an understated way that was a contrast to other, over the top comedian-actor giants of the '80s like Bill Murray and Eddie Murphy. A female counterpart? That would likely cause more problems for the Beaker family than any college co-ed. My heart skips a beat.
ReplyDeleteMy only recommendation is to become more cynical. Not in the mean, "screw 'em, I've got my share of the pie" way but just realizing that the academy is changing and there is not a lot any one of us can do about it. Seek your happiness elsewhere. There are many other ways to live a satisfying life, even intellectually, outside of your job.
I wish you good luck.
I'm playing hooky today due to childcare issues (cf my post above) and it feels so good, partly because I too am nearly overwhelmed with despair at all you mention (sans the football and plus the fucktardedness of the Wisconsin Republican party).
ReplyDeleteI haven't been on much because being septic with unappeasable anger has put a strain on my marriage--and as an ACoA, getting drunk daily just doesn't work as a coping mechanism.
I agree with BeakerBen: we have to find happiness outside of our careers in academe. Those of us who chose this life because we thought we'd be happy are running smack into the biggest anti-intellectual brick wall this country has ever seen. By the time the dummies figure out what they've done, it'll be too late and we'll have checked out long ago, either for other careers or god help us, still in a classroom.
I am at a crossroads myself. After spending 20 years working to get tenure, now that I have it, I'm contemplating leaving academe entirely, for some of the reasons you've listed. Fighting the Powers That Be is a tough job, and the burnout rate is high.
Be well, Good Bubba.
I like Ben's suggestion (but note that it's much easier to implement for those with tenure -- which I think includes Bubba -- than for those who are wondering what the standard for keeping their job will be this year, and so trying to cover all the not-yet-announced, possibly-to-be-changed bases).
ReplyDeleteThere's also something to be said, I think, for identifying those aspects of the job that are both in our control and represent our core values, and doing those to a standard that gives us the satisfaction of a job well done, while letting at least some of the rest go. The problem, of course, comes when things that represent our core values *aren't* in our control, and/or when we're being evaluated in some way that hits home (contract renewal for the non-tenured/non-tenurable, salary for the tenured) on things that we'd otherwise consign to the "let it go" category.
Courage, Bubba! There's something to be said for the numbness that comes with routine, once it settles in.
And sometimes, there's something to be said for going ahead and having a good cry.