I know I posted yesterday, but had to share this driving-me-insane email I just received about a student:
Professor Monkey,
My student Stevie Snowflake has asked me to shoot you an email in order to just vouch for him that he is a super student who cares about his grades a good deal. He is one of my favorite students!
He cares for a disabled family member. He is experiencing all sorts of problems at work including having construction at work. It is distracting him a lot. He typically does all of his work for school while working at work. He is asking me to ask you whether he could have additional time to turn in his high quality assignments. He may be emailing you soon. He also is caring for a disabled family member on a daily basis.
He cares for a disabled family member. He is experiencing all sorts of problems at work including having construction at work. It is distracting him a lot. He typically does all of his work for school while working at work. He is asking me to ask you whether he could have additional time to turn in his high quality assignments. He may be emailing you soon. He also is caring for a disabled family member on a daily basis.
He is hoping to be moved to another office so he is not disturbed by the construction noise. He does all his school work at work, so that is distracting. He also is caring for a disabled family member daily.
Thank you for your time,
Caring Student Support Representative
Thank you for your time,
Caring Student Support Representative
Oh, CSSR. Nothing pisses me off more than a student asking someone else to tell me something that they should be telling me themselves. Except maybe the explanation of random problems that have nothing to do with me or this student's behavior in class. Or maybe the impossibly repetitive writing style of your email. It makes me want to reach through my computer and throw water in your face.
Stevie Snowflake has (as you mention three times for NO REASON AT ALL) duties to care for a disabled family member. So do I!!! So do lots of people. It's something we do. He is a good student. OH REALLY? No he isn't. He has misunderstood every single assignment so far. A question on basketweaving has resulted in a paper on turtle snacks. A question on hamster fur ended up becoming a diatribe against the ASPCA. Maybe the construction noise prevents him from reading? He does not respond to my emails where I (against my better judgment) offered him a redo. Ignoring me and my kindness? Ooooh, not the mark of a good student.
And then -- here is the kicker!! -- you are not the first to email me! He already asked his wife to send me an email similar to yours, praising his work in scholarship. And his mother-in-law to explain that he was in the hospital. AND HIS BOSS to assess him as an employee.
Caring SSR, all I want to do now is ensure that little Stevie fails. Then you two can get together for drinks and be besties with each other and email me about your amazing progress together.
CSSR lost my support immediately with the pink color and the font. What's the problem, Kristen ITC wasn't available? On top of that, initials remind me of the evil empire.
ReplyDeleteI threw up in my mouth a little.
ReplyDeleteIt's people like this that give a bad name to those of us in Student Services who believe that the best way to serve students is to encourage independence, autonomy, and critical thinking rather than enabling dependence and reliance on others.
FERPA to the rescue!
ReplyDeleteHis boss gave him a good review, when he's using work time to complete classwork?
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that whenever someone says "Thank you for your time," I have to suppress violent urges?
ReplyDeleteYou know, the email from the boss was the one that really struck me as weird. Here was a perfect stranger giving me a review of my student. A student who isn't doing very well in my class and who is somehow getting permission to do schoolwork while on the clock. Seems like a nice job!
ReplyDeleteBut I just thanked her for her recommendation and let her know that I could not explain anything about her employee's education due to FERPA.
Because, as EMH so astutely noted, FERPA TO THE RESCUE!!!
The mother-in-law one was strange too, telling me that he was unexpectedly hospitalized. I never heard anything from him about that, or what was wrong, or that he was all better.
Why can't I just expel these kids??
@ Monkey
ReplyDelete"Why can't I just expel these kids?"
It would be nice. However, our legislatures in their infinite stupidity have decided otherwise.
CSSR, the boss, and the mother-in-law are all the same person: Stevie's wife.
ReplyDeleteI HEART FERPA! Resolution to so many problems. Sorry, my hands are tied here. I can't discuss this with you.
ReplyDeleteTo the side of my screen, Amazon is advertising "Hot Chicks With Douchebags" .
ReplyDeleteMine tells me that I can spend 8 hours a day and become a medical assistant. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted.
ReplyDelete"Kids" shouldn't have mothers-in -law...I'm jus' sayin'. Oh, I get that our children are staying children well into their twenties (my own son has lost a roommate in his grad-school apartment before classes even begin becaue "there are noises in the street at night that frighten me." Said roommate, 25 years old, has returned home and enrolled in the local uni for another undergraduate degree. Though I gotta say, it challenges my credulity that his street at home could possibly be quieter at night than the one he left, what with it being the direct route between his home community's bars/nightlife and campus...) But if they're insistent upon maintaining their childhoods, perhaps they should be forbidden the rights and responsibilities of adulthood? Maybe that should extend to college admission? You know, they'd get to pursue a future when they've left the past behind.
ReplyDelete