Dear Mommy,
Rest assured, Sammy Snowflake was not exposed to "toxic fumes". It was a little molecular oxygen, which we made in larger quantities, deliberately, the day before. I'm not saying the hour we wasted starting the lab with the wrong reagent wasn't a pain in the ass (for me, not for her, it makes no difference to her because she doesn't give a shit what we're doing anyway). But when I saw everyone's test-tube, I said "clean up, you get to go home early." Nobody got hurt, nothing got broken, and everyone gets a free A for the missed lab. But if you really feel a need to get your miserable unfullfilled self involved, get some fucking facts straight before you call everyone from the janitor to the god damned Pentagon. Here's a clue, when you leave VOICE MAIL for the dean, your words will probably wind up in a written record somewhere. And the second you hint at law suits, you can be damned sure our people will be on it. And if you're going to open that can of worms, but your daughter has said we used "sodium metal" and we were supposed to use "soda boride", when we did not use sodium metal and soda boride neither exists nor is a reagent for the experiment she supposedly read ahead of time, it's clear that it doesn't matter what the fuck we put out on that table, she's an illiterate bottle grabber who doesn't know what the fuck she's doing in there and the most dangerous thing in there isn't in a bottle and it doesn't have a label on it - IT'S YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER!!
So the price of gas isn't getting better any time soon, land the fucking helicopter. Take up yoga, take a lover, try knitting or get your own god damned degree, but put the fucking phone down and stop threatening people without any basis. You're wasting your time, your daughter is still flunking this class, you're embarrassing the both of you and you're encouraging her to be a useless fuck for the rest of her life. She's 20. You probably still think it's nice because it makes you feel so god damned useful. But when you're 80 and you need help getting into the shower, will you still want your daughter being a middle aged infant?
Sincerely,
Wombat
PS fuck you
A thing of beauty. Golf clap. Let Fall term commence! Bring in the clowns!
ReplyDeleteBrava!
ReplyDeleteSodium metal? That's priceless. You can't make this stuff up.
ReplyDeleteWhile I know what precipitated this post is an irritating bunch of nonsense, what you wrote was hilarious and you fucking rock, Wombat.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of a student who we found in lab playing around with pellets of sodium hydroxide in the palm of his hand AFTER telling the students in lab "Do NOT, under ANY circumstances touch the sodium hydroxide pellets". We had to tell them because we were pretty sure most of them wouldn't bother to read that part of the lab anyway.
ReplyDeleteAll hail, Wombat!
ReplyDelete(And peace and serenity to Wombat for having to endure this particular brand of molecular flakiness!)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...GASP!...snort! Oh my god, thank you, Wombat!
ReplyDeleteBrava!
ReplyDelete(And boy am I glad I don't have to teach snowflakes how to handle anything more dangerous than an APA-style citation. Of course they don't learn that, either, which may make some people explode, but only metaphorically. I'm more inclined to sigh inwardly, and explain it all again).
Pure genius. Wombat for Post of the Week.
ReplyDeleteThis made my day. Thanks, Wombat!
ReplyDeleteVery nice. Blackhawk down.
ReplyDeleteI say fuck it; let the dumbasses play in pools of radioactive water, douse themselves in pure oxygen and then light up a cigarette*, screw around with pyrophoric substances. Maybe when they are maimed and dying they will read the farking instructions.
ReplyDelete_______________________
* Actually happened at the NASSCO shipyard; welder was cooling herself off with oxygen and later forgot.
1. Even our court alchemists know better than to cook up nonexistent chemical names. Neither mother nor daughter picked up that making schtuff up wasn't going to work? We think the apple did not fall very far from the trunk of the tree at all.
ReplyDelete2. We're with Strellie again—ignoring safety instructions can be its own reward. Seriously, who picks up sodium hydroxide pellets and DOESN'T EVEN GUESS that's a bad idea? We realize that acid is supposedly the Vile Chemical of Choice in pop culture, but lemon juice won't turn your body into soap.
3. You know, we're reminded of the electrical engineering professor who supposedly left a few charged capacitors lying about on lab tables one day as an object lesson on lab safety. Mail one to Miss Chopper as an IQ test.
This is why I read this blog. Smack down to end all smack downs.
ReplyDeleteI so agree with frank, et al. For any in the future who speculate as to our purpose hereabouts, I'd suggest a link to this post...
ReplyDeleteWombat, this is FANTASTIC! Thank you so much for posting it. Of course, you've also reminded me that the first lab of the semester is three weeks from today ...
ReplyDeleteOh, one of the sweetest rants I've ever read! That's the shit!
ReplyDeleteGawd! I love a righteous Wombat rant! Post of the week!
ReplyDelete(and an illustration)
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2010/12/10/funny-pictures-mortal-wombat/
Delicious rant from title to last line!
ReplyDeleteVery nice.
ReplyDeleteMakes me wonder, though, about all the advice we recently gave to the hamster cult historian. We advised teaching at a private college-prep high school. Wouldn't this problem be so much worse at a place like that? Wouldn't there be a helicopter pad on each campus rooftop and especially trained ground personnel (who earn more than the faculty) to greet every landing party and escort them to see the dungeon where the unruly faculty are kept between indictment and sentencing?
@AS: You must be joking. At those prep schools the parents have had to be barred from giving the teachers ever more expensive gifts. The parents are constantly trying to curry favor with the teachers in hopes of keeping junior's GPA up and getting him/her a better letter of rec for college. It's a whole different universe.
ReplyDeleteActually, it occurs to me that it is precisely the fact that these helicopter parents have become so accustomed to trying to buy the influence of secondary school teachers that we make them come unhinged. There are too many of us, our time in junior's life too transitory, and our incentive system so different, that they slide effortlessly from bribery into death threats.