Fuck you, Paris Pierre. The first day you were actually registered in my course, you decided it would be a better idea to sit out in the fucking lobby rather than come to class. Same floor, even followed me into the elevator that day to talk to me about missing class. WTF dude? Moreover, get the fuck over yourself. When I say you need to buy books, don't (non) casually mention that your father is in France. I don't give a fuck. Just get the goddamn books. When I say "Hey, take 20 minutes to write this essay in the Writing Center" don't fucking nod, say you will, and then never fucking do it. Don't say "Oh I went there three times and they weren't open" -- really? Because they're open during their regular hours, every day, which I told you verbally when I asked you to do it AND they're in the syllabus. I need that damn essay from you. Seriously. I'm not just fucking around here -- you are the one that missed the class we did it in in the first place. When I give you a specific day a week later, point at you and say "The hours of the Writing Center are x today. When are your classes? Then you can come back up to the WC at x time, right after your class. Do it -- this isn't a request" DO NOT then NOT come and when I email you about not getting it say "Oh, well my Engineering courses...the lecture and labs...I was just busy so I didn't do it."
Dude. You should honestly not even be in my course. You need to be in ESL and I CANNOT get you there until you write this fucking essay. When you ask me to explain simple English over and over when you read the syllabus, still don't understand after three different rewordings, and then a few days later ask me the same question -- yeah, my course is not the one you need to be in. Your ass is going to get ate the fuck up and spit out if you stay here and keep trying these avoidance tactics.
Jokey Josh -- buddy. I thought we were good. You'd lighten the mood and joke with me through class, making the walking dead in there actually pay attention, even just to figure out what everyone else was laughing about. Then you had to go just that one step further, step over that line to where you're literally being about as disrespectful as you can be without outright cursing me out. I know you didn't mean it that way, but think before you do something, fucking bonehead! I had to give you the glare of death while I recovered from what you did, then email you about how shitty it was. More than likely you won't dare to even joke with me anymore and the class will turn tense and shitty. Why did you have to fuck it up, Josh? We had such a good thing going...*sigh.*
Still Shopping Sarah -- So, let me get this straight. I've had two different colleagues come up to me asking if you're coming to class and how you're doing. When I get them past that bullshit concern for you, they come back at me with a story. A very familiar story, actually. Seems you've been going to everyone that teaches the course I teach telling them that I scare the begeezus out of you and that you'll do *anything* to switch to theirs. They both asked me the same question -- "What did you DO to this girl?"
Look, you haven't breathed a word of this to me even though both of them told you that you needed to talk to me. It can be one of two things -- either you are that terrified of me (which your presentation the other day does not suggest), or you're using the "I just skid by in HS and don't want to get chewed up and spit out. Please help me as I'm a young, attractive girl in need" to try to get into what you think is an easier course. Well, Pumpkin, sorry to burst your bubble. Every course is full to the brim this semester and what they say about me on RYP is (mostly) true. Strap in because you are not gonna just slide by in my course and, honestly, if you slid by in HS and can admit it, you NEED to be in my course because I'll actually get you up to speed. Do you honestly think sliding by is going to work in the intro course, the second required English course, and through the rest of your classes that you need to write papers for is going to work?
Deaf Lemmings -- For fuck's sake, LISTEN WHEN I EXPLAIN THE ASSIGNMENT. If I ask for a typed copy, do not then email me over the weekend asking me whether I want a typed copy or handwritten. Do not say "I know you said we needed to write about one particular situation -- my high school experience doesn't fit that -- will that not work?" Duh, fucking moron! Also, "use proper email etiquette and make sure you write your name" does not mean you start every single email with "my name is x and I'm in your x:xx class on tuesdays and thursdays." While I appreciate that the first time around, by the fifth reply (on the same thread, even), it's tedious and stupid. Don't fucking do it. And you also need to capitalize days of the week, which you should have learned in, what, second grade?
Hell, for that matter, I'm not even supposed to be answering emails over the weekend, especially this one! Argh.
I'm going to start answering every stupid question with a low growl pretty soon. Welcome to college, kiddies...
MM
re: Paris Pierre: I here invoke the motto (or one of the mottos) of CM: Do Not Care More About Their Education Than They Do. You've told him what to do. He hasn't done it. His consequent failure is Not Your Problem.
ReplyDeletere Jokey Josh - I had one of those. He'll likely recover after a week or so. He hasn't got the calibration yet is all.
re: Shopping Sarah: gosh. I would be strongly tempted to take SPECIAL interest in her assignments. I know this is wrong, but it would be hard not to ...
re: all those Deaf Lemmings: I have found, perhaps on CM in fact, an invaluable site that I like to direct first year students to, and it sounds as if most of these kids are that: The Differences Between High School and College/University. They need to read it.
re: PP: Right, and I honestly wouldn't give a shit except he pulls everyone else down by making me (and other groups this week) explain the easiest shit for up to ten minutes until he actually gets it. Eventually I'm going to tell him that if he has questions that others don't have he's going to have to come to my office hours, but he already does that and asks asinine questions over and over.
ReplyDeleteIn other words, I give a shit because he's an annoying pain in my ass. I don't give a flying fuck if he fails/doesn't learn/etc as long as he doesn't make my life harder.
re: SS: Yeah, me too...
re: DL: While I would love to, my boss is all about "How does it relate to the material you're teaching and does it make them come bother me because they feel slighted/pissed off?" so that's probably not going to happen, sadly. I'd love to give them their first quiz on that info haha
Wow, MM, and students wonder why we get so frustrated with them when they pull shit like this at the beginning of the semester. I am gearing up (mentally and physically) to deal with my students like yours (we're on quarters so I have a few weeks to shield myself). In the meantime, I'm hoping that sending out pleas to the universe to grant me a break this year actually works.
ReplyDelete@Merely, excellent resource! Thank you! I am going to use that before even doing Syllabus Day.
May, I am dying to know where you teach. Every time you post it looks more and more like the pit of hell.
ReplyDeleteSounds like they've all learned some, um, coping strategies that they need to unlearn toute de suite. Good luck; I always found that enculturation into the ways of college was the hardest part of teaching first-year students (although it sounds like a few of these may be past-first-years who ought to know better by now).
ReplyDeleteRe: the "Differences" list. Any chance you could put it together with a more, er, hand-holding one, and analyze the differences in rhetorical approach? That might give you a bit of deniability, and still give you a chance to make them read it pretty carefully.
F&T -- maybe when I leave I'll let you know. :) This batch actually isn't too bad so far, just scared which means they turn idiotic quickly. I only have one or two problems in each course, so that's an improvement.
ReplyDeleteCC -- Well, almost half of my second class lost out on 5 points when they couldn't correctly fill out three forms and bring them back the next class period, so I don't have much hope for them understanding how to analyze, much less know what rhetorical approach means. It's a damn good idea though. And yes, they definitely know some coping strategies -- evade, feign ignorance, blame someone else...I should have them broken of most of them before too long.
"Deaf Lemmings" - a great addition to the CM Glossary. Also a fine name for a rock band.
ReplyDelete