Dear Mentee Molly:
I know you just started teaching last year and that I’ve been (by virtue of my position as a coordinator of basket-weaving) assigned to continue mentoring you, even though we both resent this fact. Please heed the following rules of interacting with me this year because I am not going to be as nice to you if you continue acting like a student rather than a colleague:
1. Don’t presume to tell me how excited you are about your fabulous students because you “simply loved every single student last year and can’t wait for a repeat” and expect me to be excited, as well. I did not share in your excitement last year, and I am less likely to do so this year.
2. Don’t bullshit me about how 96% of the students in your classes earned the A you GAVE them. This year I’m holding you accountable for each grade by requiring portfolios from you because the chair says she is too busy to do so. This pisses me off because I have enough to do when it comes to teaching, grading, and putting a schedule together to make sure we have future sections of classes covered.
3. Don’t assume to tell me that you you learned more than the students did last year. You teach two introductory classes in basket weaving. If you learned more than students did, that means you weren’t doing your job.
4. Don’t try to give me advice on how to best ‘befriend’ students. I don’t want to befriend students. They’re not my friends. They shouldn’t be YOUR friends, either. Grow up and act like the adult you are supposed to be. We grew up in the same decade so don’t try to act like I’m 40 years older than you just because you spent twelve years in grad school (what school even gives extensions like that???).
5. Don’t email me with ideas for lessons that you think would work really well in a seminar of mine that you have never taught and that I have spent years developing. Your idea of “incorporating Nancy Drew’s ideas about basket-weaving” is not really an idea at all, but shows how ignorant you are about my subject matter. You should be busy enough with your own lesson planning to not worry about my courses. Moreover, the fact that you incorporate finger painting into your courses tells me I am not going to care about your opinion in anything academic.
6. Don’t run to the chair every time I growl at you to stay out of my way when you share yet another experience about how fabulous you are and how wonderful your students think you are because they told you so and love you.
7. Don’t wear a “I see Paris, I see France” skirt to work and then ask me if the skirt it too short because a student said you had "killer legs" (that's not really a compliment). If you have to ask, then it is too short.
8. Don’t wait until Syllabus Day to stand pathetically in my office while you laugh and twirl your hair and ask me to help you plan your syllabus. Do the work beforehand like you’re supposed to. That shit worked last year because you were new. This year I expect you to do it by yourself.
9. Don’t invite me to ‘cut class’ to play tennis with you. That’s unprofessional and I don’t want to spend any extra time with you than I already have to.
10. Mostly: Don’t stand too closely to the edge of the roof when I’m around.
Although I wish I had more voice in my department, there are moments, such as reading this post, that make me very glad I'm not the administrator of anything. Bravo on the portfolios; that sounds like a time-consuming but necessary tactic.
ReplyDeleteP.S. at least in my experience, the department that allows nearly infinite time to finish the diss is the department that never paid much attention to guiding its grad students through the project in the first place, and so has no idea why they're not meeting its unrealistically-short deadline, or what to do once that happens (but somehow hits on the idea that cutting off teaching -- even though there is work available, and the alternative is adjuncting at 3 places at once -- and even library privileges will serve as incentives to finish). But departments vary, and if Molly is still that perky and optimistic after 5 or more years of adjuncting, well, she's a freak of nature. It seems more likely that she's got a trust fund (or at least a mummy and daddy who don't mind playing ATM), or her grad department was more supportive and/or indulgent than mine.
At last we've found someone that works with Katie from Kalamazoo.
ReplyDeletesweet faculty smackdown.
ReplyDeleteCynic, could you please come mentor someone in my department?
ReplyDeleteI've had the unfortunate privilege of watching silver-backs thank the Dean profusely for volunteering them to be my mentor. I've always wondered how they really felt.
ReplyDeleteCynic, your "assignment" sounds like a real dipshit. I'm sorry that it turned out that way.
LOL--thanks, everyone! I needed your support because I had an early-morning meeting with Molly to make sure she is on track with developing her syllabus. She is a rare breed. In the most passive-aggressive act I have ever initiated, I scheduled to meet with her at 7:30 a.m. because I knew she'd been up late partying (thank you, Facebook, for that information) and, although I am not a morning person, I knew she wouldn't be at her best, either, so wouldn't try to kill me with perky cliches that she thinks work on a Cynic.
ReplyDelete@Eskarina, if you take Molly, I'll take whomever you have. Our school started this 'mentor' program for new faculty the year after I was hired. It entails visiting each other's classes to provide feedback, as well as submitting a mini-portfolio of the things the mentee has learned, and the things the mentor believes still need to be worked on. It's all part of the faculty development requirement, so we have to take it seriously for tenure (which I am probably up against this year). After tenure (AT), I am never mentoring anyone again (she says now).
@EMH, for realz? You need mentoring? That's a laugh, right there!
ReplyDelete@Pat: I say this with fingers crossed behind my back, but I might actually prefer Katie.
@Contingent: you don't know how close you've hit it on the head with the 'trust fund' assumption. Her grandfather is an ex-Board member and her family has a building named after them on campus. Sigh.