After four (much needed) months away, I teach for the first time this academic year today.I'm pausing to mark that last (lovely) moment of peace: before snowflakery, before the inevitable grandmother genocide, before my inbox turns into a flaming pile, before drinking becomes a survival strategy rather than a pleasant way to pass an evening with friends, before I hate any of my students (and because of this, myself).
I had a rough year last year - the kind where your colleagues give a low whistle, stuff their hands in their pockets, and back away slooooowly, while acknowledging that you have "that class" and they are very, very sorry (then turning to run like hell in case it's contagious). It almost killed my love of teaching, because every day I simply showed up prepared to teach, I was breaking the axiom about caring more about their education than they did...and it sucked the life out of me.
And now, a new year...and all of the complicated feelings that come with that. I am forced to acknowledge that I am more jaded than I once was...yet I still cross my fingers and hope, for, at the very least, an obvious silver lining or two. (It's hard out there in academia for a closet idealist.)
So...once more unto the breach, dear friends...and thank you for being there to share the misery.
This.
ReplyDeleteExcept I was finally released from teaching Hamster Fur Weaving For People Who Hate The Sound Of The Word "Fur" and now I'm teaching upper-year courses where some of the students actually want to feel better. Two classes in, and I'm finally starting to relax and remember that I like this job.
It is very hard to overcome a bad experience. The new students sort of morph into the old ones, and one's hackles are up and vibrating.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I find that helps is just say, "new day" over and over.
And of course a nice strawberry yogurt parfait. That zips up the endorphins and keeps scurvy away.
I need a better attitude. Over the summer I changed my school email password to:
ReplyDeleteihatethisfuckingplace
Typing that a couple of times a day is not helping my mood.
@Kimmie -- I've got one that reminds me (cryptically, of course) of my research, which is a bit subversive since research is not part of my job, but not downright dispiriting. Maybe there's a similar alternative for you? Also, I suspect your password is not, in fact, all that secure (wanna bet how many people use that one, at colleges and elsewhere?). Then again, there's the question of whether you care about protecting whatever it's protecting.
ReplyDelete@Drunk: best wishes for a successful semester. You can't have "that class" twice in a row, right? right?
Thank you for sharing. I've had similar moments of hope and fear where I hope this year won't be like last, but I fear it won't be. I guess there's only one way to see... I've had "that class" ever since I got put onto the 'remedial' rotation three years ago. I don't have any words of wisdom or humor, but I know how you feel and am sending happy thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteI had an awful year a few years back; couldn't remember why I was teaching at all. It got better the next year thought; I read "What the best college teachers do" and tried doing a few of those things, and they may or may not have helped the classes, but they helped my mood.
ReplyDeleteKimmie, that password isn't secure at all! It's probably the first thing spambots guess. I recommend "1h8th1isfuck1ingpl8ce". Nobody will figure that one out.
@Drunk: been there a few times. By mid-semester with Classes from Hell, just waking up wrenched my guts. And starting back up the next semester was also gut-wrenching. Snapping out of it took (1) changing colleges and later (2) taking a sabbatical. I'm forever grateful to the late administrator who was instrumental in both. So it is possible to love teaching again, but for me at least, it took a radical change of scene.
ReplyDelete@Dr. Nathaniel: I love your course title! Hamster Fur Weaving For People Who Hate The Sound Of The Word "Fur"
I love your course title! Hamster Fur Weaving For People Who Hate The Sound Of The Word "Fur"
ReplyDeleteYou mean you don't teach one of those courses? I do. Some of my kids eventually learn that "fur" is not actually the Source and Summit of All Evil.
(Given the amount of shedding my dogs do, I'm not sure that my students aren't wrong. Or perhaps the SSAE is "dog hair.")