Thursday, February 2, 2012

I'm Baffled At the Unspeakable Sounds.

If you're squeamish, look away.

So I'm in the faculty loo earlier. It's quite private, off the beaten path, and almost entirely used by the folks in my department. One floor up, Philosophy has their own loo, but as I'm standing at the sink, washing a terrible hot sauce stain out of my tie, a Philosophy prof I only know a little bit comes in, nods at me, and goes into one of the two stalls.

The sounds. Dear God. The sounds that began. And I'm not just talking about the "normal" bathroom noise, but his accompanying vocalizations. It was so terrible. It was so vile. The "Mmmmmmmmmmmmm....ahhhh," was the worst, and the last thing I heard as I shuffled out quickly.

Ten minutes later I was in my office, still shaken, when my new pal came to my door.

"Hi," he said. "How's your day?"

"Good," I said. "How's yours?"

"All better now," he said, and he smiled big as he left.


  1. See, I told you philosophers were the weirdest people in the university.

  2. Hahahahahaha. Oh God.
    The "most published" member of my Master's granting institution talked to her poo and pee. I would run like hell every time I saw her coming after I heard her talking to her "good little pee" one day.

    Actually... maybe she used that to scare off all the students. She had tons of time to publish since none of us wanted her anywhere near our committees after we heard her bathroom talk. Hrm.....

  3. OK. So why go to the bathroom to do that when you have your own office??? I imagine one ought to be able to not make vocalizations while ... doing that.

  4. @CMP... are you referring to whacking it or farting?
    Because well....
    ....every time I fart in MY office a colleague or student magically appears. EVERY. TIME.

  5. I have a can of air freshener in my office that I brought from home. It has come in very handy on many occasions. My office colleague next door has even come over and asked to borrow it! I thought it was my little secret!

    1. Running to the store now for a bottle. Been using a bottle of perfume a student left in the hallway that smells worse b/c then the smell never leaves my office for days (I just figured it was my penance for not going outside or to the bathroom).

  6. Hiram, you obviously work with my husband. He does that at home too.

  7. Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh!

    This must be the shittiest comment ever.

  8. This website is going down the crapper....

    People mocked Nando for his "slam the profs" style, and his website is nothing but pictures of backed up toilets, and that's bad.

    Meanwhile, Hiram tells a john story and we all applaud and make fart noises.

    There's a disconnect here.

    1. We didn't mock Nando for his website. We mocked Nando for his inability to discuss the topic at hand.

      There's nothing like a good bodily-function joke. With apologies to Frog & Toad, the "EWWWWW" is the whole point.

    2. Nando wasn't interested in this website. Not one bit.

      All he wanted to do was talk about his issue, which is fine, but there's more going on here than whether or not law school is bad.

      Are you kidding me? Of course law school is bad.

    3. Well, whereas Hiram is a fine fellow, Nando is a douchebag. (How's that for a bodily-function joke?) Seriously: Hiram works as a prof, doing his best to improve people's lives through education, no doubt at a very modest salary. Nando blew over $100k trying to become a lawyer, no doubt counting on making big bucks from making life miserable for people like me, and it turned out that he was too dumb and too naive to make it work. Yes, too dumb: his thinking that profs have any say in tuition costs, and that history is "worthless," clearly demonstrate that. Yes, too naive: didn't it ever occur to him that law professors are not to be trusted, since they are lawyers, with the same insatiable desire for profit from human misery that he has?

      Also: no one yet has made fart noises. Those are spelled like this:


      Yes I know, higher ed is such a dignified profession.

      I agree with you that student educational debt is a ticking bomb, and a much more serious problem than many profs seem to realize. I think it could use a rational approach, though, not what Nando has. That said, I say all power to Nando and the anti-law school movement, if it results in lawyers no longer being allowed to run wild, the way they have since the '70s.

  9. Wait! He wasn't being a perv? He was just taking a dump? I retract my previous comment. My sincerest apologies to all for going there. What a prejudiced doofus I am.

    My office has a window so I just open it and close my door. It works a little better when the weather is nice out. But it drowns out noise and residual smell.

  10. I have the secretary from hell outside my office. I like to surprise her.


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