I need a dictionary...

In light of this recent post, I couldn't help but post my own that I've been collecting for the past six years (usually I reserve these for my family and friends, but since I've come to love and know you all as such, I'm posting here, too):

I was disappointed in the shotty graphics. [Take THAT, British enunciation!]

Teens go through a face where they hate their appearance. [When riddled/rittled with acne, who wouldn’t go through a phase/face of this?]

Right off the back, you know where you stand. [And here’s a sports metaphor that fails. It’s also how I play softball... nothing ever came right off my bat!]

Someone with athletic distributes might not like sports. [I had neither athletic distributes nor attributes, as evidenced by the softball going right off the back.]

Women were kept under tight rain by men. [And got soaking wet; that’s probably where wet t-shirt contests came from.]

Women are revolting back to old times. [And men stayed far away from the revolting, rained on women.]

This inevitably leads to reaping havoc. [I'm not sure what it looks like, but I'm not reaping any of that any time soon.]

People reek what they sew [as evidenced by the grade this one earned. Reek/wreak/reap... same diff., right?]

Edgar Allen Pie [is just not as intimidating or macabre.]

The character is abscessed with the old man’s eye staring at him. [Poor Edgar Allen Pie... he just gets misrepresented all around. An abscessing eye would at least make more sense.]

I am of Italian dissent. [Does this mean you’re for or against the Italians?]

The TSA took my toilet trees. [Them’s some pretty big tubes of toothpaste!]

Fairytail [All fairies need to come equipped with a tail!]

The housing bubble eliminated treasonably priced housing. [Backwards logic? Or just a typo?]

We went camping and made a bombfire [The kind that explodes at the end of the night.]

We rode doom buggies. [The kind that send you to hell? After which we built a bombfire to celebrate our doom...]

My next store neighbor’s dog... [Admit it, you’ve never read a book in your life!]

For all intensive purposes... [As opposed to all those relaxed purposes...]

Remote memorization is not easy for me. [It’s kinda tough to memorize something from far away.]

I keep medicine in a vile. [Because medicine tastes so vile!].

Aspirin regiment [a-tten-hut!]

My childhood was chalk full of TV advertisements. [And here I thought chalk was for writing on boards and drawing on sidewalks.]

I've been lacking off all year. [Lacking off so much that I forgot the “s.”]

I wore handy-down clothes from my siblings. [Having experienced this myself, I know that some clothes are more handy than others...]

America is a large consonant. [With 4 vowels.]

Here’s my two sense worth [most likely, it IS two sense worth.]

Morris Code was an early form of text messaging. [Role over in your grave, Samuel...]

Humanity is on the fast track to unpresented breakthroughs. [I wonder when they WILL be presented. I hope it’s before the doom buggies arrive.]

The thought of our own morality frightens us & has us trying every known elixir of youth. [Our morality SHOULD frighten us...]

I sing in the quire. [I learned a new word from this one... Quire really IS a word].

I will hold the tidal with the utmost honor. [Ray, this one’s for you!]

The hutch back of Notre Dame... [has a REALLY big hunchback in which things can apparently be stored!]

Resistance is feudal. [...especially for the serfs.]

ENRON did whorific acts to make money. [Why, yes, ENRON did, my punny friend!]

I’m so post to study this evening. [Please, for the love of God, you're also supposed to proofread!]

We need to save endangered feces [Something I probably won’t be trying to save in quite the same way I would a fuzzy eagle chick.]

Blue color worker [They probably get discriminated against the most.]

Beyond his apprehension [yeah, and this is beyond my comprehension.]

Unclear physics [makes a lot of sense to me, actually.]

Pull-it surprise [Who knew this was what the prize was all about?]

She was the Valid Victorian of her class [I want THAT title!]

Terrorists Intestinally kill [and some even do it intentionally. This one came from one of my colleague's students.]

I can't come to class because I have ministerial cramps [It's all a spiritual experience!]

Her boyfriend super seeded all her priorities. [This is just gross.] But he left her on the sperm of the moment ... [and another one from the same boyfriend.]

She's a die heart fan. [Gives all new meaning to celebrity stalkers.]

I avoid eating high carbonated foods like pasta... [You know... fizzy spaghetti.]

I have a special momentum from my mom. [And the unclear physics appears again.]

In the long wrong, it's beneficial. [I eat my veggies so that in the long wrong, I can get it right.]

I have a self-defecating sense of humor (Classic; no words to respond to this one.]

Palace centuries stood guard. [For a very very long time].

Her soul was empty, bear [And spent the winter hibernating.]

Elven men got up with the jury foreman [Legolas strikes again.]

She cut all times with her family [Into little pieces?]

Plastic surgery caused internal scaring [That fake breast was terrified.]

Post dramatic stress [I always get this after going to the theater.]

He had no choice but to accept the preposition before him. [Not before rejecting all verbs & adjectives.]

My grammar has begun to grow in ways I never imagined. [And conversely, mine has shrunk just from reading this sentence.]

I was used to half-fasting things in high school, but Dr. CC wouldn't let me get away with it. [This student was probably hungry all the time!]

Emily Dickens is my favorite poet. [I'm sure she'd be impressed to know she's related to Charles.]

I need a job with distant pay. [FYI: distant pay probably won't help you cover your expenses.]

Our final exam in one class revolved around the issue of homelessness, one that I will likely use again because of the typos it generated:

If you show up drunk to an interview, they won't higher you. It's a big lie ability to higher drunk people. [I swear I didn't make that one up!]

He was opposed to be in class but he went shopping instead and ended up homeless.[I'm also sometimes opposed to being in class, but I don't go shopping. I still show up. That's probably why I'm not homeless.}

Some people don't want to end up at a dead in job... [Because dead out is any better?]

We should help out fellow human beans. {A new ethnicity?]

We are post to feel bad when we pass hopeless people beginning in the street. [I think the hopeless homeless end up in the streets.]

Christians claim to help out their bother in need. [That's what I've been doing wrong my whole life.]

There are thousandths of people who are homeless. [Tiny, tiny homeless people...]

Drug attics roam the streets of San Francisco. (I think some people have one of these that doesn't roam.]