Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Mod for a Day

Real Goddamned Emails has filled me with a great desire to be CM's mod, at least temporarily.  Can I be mod for a day? I would answer all those damned emails, every one.

Why aren't you putting out more call for posts, or contacting faculty to get new material for the blog.
Because CM is not a fucking hiring committee.  
I have terrible internet service where I am this summer. Would it be really hard for you to maybe email me all the posts individually?
Starbuck's. It's not just for coffee anymore. 
I wouldn't want any reprinted articles, but everything else would be great. I really have a hard time reading it the normal way.
I hear the Sylvan Learning Center can help with that.
I've been reading the blog for three years and nobody has still explained what a thirsty is.
It's all about semen.  I try not to think about it.
Xxxxxxx described a faculty member that sounds a lot like me. I'm sure of it, because I'm in the Xxxxxxx and I was recently at a conference.
That wasn't you.  Xxxxxxx was describing another delusional paranoid academic.  He works with several.
I think you should warn him about being so obvious. He didn't say anything incriminating, but I don't want my business on the Internet.
Aw.  You're so cute when you complain about imaginary threats to your imaginary reputation!  I just want to squeeze you! 
I'm a student, so I don't expect you to answer. But you are always complaining about students asking stupid questions. I thought there was no such things as a stupid question, only stupid teachers.
You thought wrong.   
Is there any way to block Xxxxxxx and Xxxxxxxx from commenting on my posts?
No.
Every time I put something up, they both chime in with their ridiculous remarks.
As opposed to your posts, which smell like unicorn farts.
It's clear they are not talking about the same issue as I am. They're both junior college teachers and I try to clearly show how my question or issue revolves around an R1 school.
I have the sense that you draw ridiculousness to yourself, and that in real life you are like Margaret Dumont, wading through a sea of Marx Brothers.  They will always get the better of you.
Their answers aren't just wrong, they actually take the focus off of my question, and then the conversation devolves terribly. I know they have a right to be here, but short of telling them NOT to respond, what can we do?
"We" can do nothing.  "You" can get your own blog, where you can keep the focus exclusively on you. Because in here sometimes we just shoot the shit and make jokes. 
You have a graphic that looks like me. Seriously. You used it on the post titled Xxxxxxxxx. I know it's obscured and fuzzy, but I think it actually might be an old faculty page photo of mine. Now, if that's just a little inside joke or something, I guess it's no harm. But I protect my anonymity on here pretty stridently. You didn't use the photo on my post or anything, but I think my face might be a little recognizable to some people and I'd hate to be associated with an angry post.
What are you wearing?  I bet it's sexy...can you send me a few pics?  I'd like to make more graphics and pass them around.  Please include some juicy ass shots. 
What's with this "read more" thing? I had a post up last week that was not terribly long, and you cut it in half with a "read more" link. I think I should be able to decide to put that in there if  I want.
I think I should be able to have sex with Viggo Mortensen. If you can get me Viggo for the night, I will stop truncating your boring long-ass posts.
I edited it out and now my paragraphs have huge spaces. Don't we have a tacit rule that I'll provide you content if you'll leave my posts alone?
Actually, our "tacit rule" is that we don't want to scare people away with endless posts.
I have a colleague who DOUSES himself in cologn but never showers. Would that make for a funny story?
Not unless your story is more colorfully embellished than "I have a colleague who douses himself in cologne but never showers". 
Xxxxxxx is a douchebag. Why do you let him comment on everything? I know you have an IP blocker, and I vote you use it on him. Or Xxxxxxx. She bugs the shit out of me.
Bubba and Stella aren't going anywhere.  Deal with it. 
Is there any way you can get Walter back? This place needs a kick in the pants.
Walter would come back, but only if we ply him with whores and expensive scotch.  We can't afford that. 
What the fuck is it with hamster fur and that shit?
It refers to the fur on our regalia.
Is anyone reading these emails I send?
No. 
Ask Hiram if Joetta included any photos.
Joetta has seduced Hiram and they are now sipping margaritas on a white sand beach in Mexico.  He's found the meaning of life and is no longer baffled.



27 comments:

  1. It's...it's...beautiful. Thank you.

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  2. "Xxxxxxx described a faculty member that sounds a lot like me. I'm sure of it, because I'm in the Xxxxxxx and I was recently at a conference."

    Don't worry, the old dude I complained about with a thick German accent and the air of a child molester who bullies junior faculty until I scream at him can't be you. He never goes to conferences, and he still has a boat-anchor Mac IIsi on his desk, so I rather doubt he reads CM. Yes, I too thought this species became extinct over ten years ago. It's yet another reason to want to drive a stake through his heart.


    "I'm a student, so I don't expect you to answer. But you are always complaining about students asking stupid questions. I thought there was no such things as a stupid question, only stupid teachers."

    I first heard this chestnut in 1979. It was missing the clause, "only stupid teachers." How wonderful to be reminded where our respect of teachers has gone since then.

    I hope you realize now that it's quite false. Any question that flagrantly shows that a lack of thought, such as "I didn't bother to come to class, did I miss anything important?" or a lack of preparation, such as "Do I really have to do my homework? It's harrrd..." or just plain utter childishness, such as "Do I really have to do the reading? It's harrrd..." is a stupid question. In the real world, that mythical place students expect to be after college, stupid questions like these will very much be held against you.

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    Replies
    1. "Joetta has seduced Hiram and they are now sipping margaritas on a white sand beach in Mexico. He's found the meaning of life and is no longer baffled."

      Damn! I liked him better when he was baffled. Much like Margaret Dumont.

      Delete
    2. "In the real world, that mythical place students expect to be after college, stupid questions like these will very much be held against you."

      AMEN FRODERICK!

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  3. She baffled him with seduction?

    I've got nothing.

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  4. Post of the week! (or I'll mail incessantly to complain)

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  5. Sorry about the delay on the Viggo Mortensen shipment.

    Well, actually, not sorry. But he seems really happy here, honest.

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  6. Definitely the post of the week! Love the snappy replies!

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  7. Brava! I was going to say that even the quality of the complaints goes significantly down in the summer, but you have made some very tasty lemonade out those lemons (do detect a hint of mint in there somewhere? Or is that peppermint schnapps?)

    And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go google Viggo Mortenson.

    P.S. I love the image of Hiram and Jo on a beach. But doesn't Hiram's wife come around sometimes? If so, I hope she isn't upset. Or is she over at Merely's place helping to entertain Viggo?

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  8. You beat me to it, Stella! Nice work. I'd have substituted "tea party" for "fuck," but that's just me.

    "... like Margaret Dumont, wading through a sea of Marx Brothers." Awesome.

    As for Viggo, he's mine. Back off.

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  9. Joetta has seduced Hiram and they are now sipping margaritas on a white sand beach in Mexico. He's found the meaning of life and is no longer baffled.

    This tickled me. No, it's Joetta. Stop it, dammit, I have promotion to think about. No, never mind. Carry on. This is better than that.

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  10. Awesome, on a number of levels. Thanks for the laugh.

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  11. And all I have is astoundingly fucking needy online students who can't figure out the Moodle interface, but of course nothing is their fault.

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  12. Ah, the brilliance of Stella. Post of the week!

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  13. The notion that there is no such thing as a stupid question occurred between the years when sense was more common and the self-esteem movement started to take root. It was assumed that the person asking had applied some mental effort to understand something and therefore should not be made to feel bad about their lack of understanding. More often than not they just hadn't been paying attention.

    I wish we could turn back the clock and quash the self-esteem folderol. It led to things like the student in another post whining that he should get as much time to talk as the instructor. His opinion was important, too!

    I'd love to send some of these flakes to the Strelnikov Institute of Painful Reality, where the lessons they learn the hardest they remember the longest.

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    Replies
    1. There was an ESPN commercial a few years ago where Chris Berman told a student, "There are no stupid questions, only stupid people who ask questions."

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    2. Have you ever noticed that anyone who mouths this platitude is never among the sharp ones?

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    3. @Sawyer,
      That was the first thing I thought of after reading it this morning. I spent most of the day searching for the commercial on YouTube (you know, instead of grading) to no avail.

      @ Frod,
      As my 8th grade science teacher was wont to say, "They're sharp as marbles."

      Delete
  14. Your answers are way more entertaining than mine would be. I would just copy and paste "I don't give a shit" into the answer box every single time.

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  15. "[...] in real life you are like Margaret Dumont, wading through a sea of Marx Brothers."

    There are at least half-a-dozen faculty members at my school to whom this simile applies. Thinking of this will make it much easier for me to deal with them, and I thank you.

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  16. Could you please remove the graphic in this post? It sort of looks like me if I were blonde, wearing a pink dress, and looked completely different.

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  17. "...not a fucking hiring committee."

    Fabulous!

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  18. Stella,
    Thanks for the laughs. I needed that.

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  19. After this post, this is my scale:

    (-)Provosts---Students---SuckyThings---MyTeaching---AwesomeThings---Stella(+)

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