But she was such a problem, could not listen, could not focus, had all the hall marks. My sister and her husband tried a variety of things in lieu of discipline and/or medication once their pediatrician made the diagnosis, such as no wheat diets, gluten free diets, a very expensive long term chiropractor, whole food diets, oh gosh, you-name-it. The kid drove me crazy when I had my own kids, some years younger, because of the totally unpredictable way she'd act, never with malice but always with trouble, around my little ones, beginning with too hard hugs. Finally, after she was kicked out of catholic school and doing so terribly in public school, they took their pedi's advice and put her on some kind of medication. I am not sure if it was Ritalin.
But the whole family was in awe....just in awe. My niece became a normal, sweet kid! She was an honors student! Totally different person...able to have great conversations, just able to function so well. Did I mention that this kid is smart? Very smart.
Then, when she was in 9th grade, her father had guilt for "curbing her independent spirit with meds" and took her off them. Total plummet. Right back to square one. One year later, they thought, "huh, maybe that was a mistake" but it was too late. The kid would not take the meds now. Spit them out-----just did not work.
So, now my niece is a college freshman! I tried to give some advice as a sister and an auntie that my niece, let's call her "Melly"----go to her local community college. My sister and her husband are not rich. Why throw big money away, I thought? Melly is a wonderful actress----she is in a drama program, a competitive one, at her State University. Well, wouldn't you know, the community college near where they live has an award winning drama program. Kids from that program move on to very impressive four years all the time. It's always in the newspaper. "No, oh God no" my sister said to me. "We'd never do that to her-----she'd never forgive us for ruining her life like that if we tried to do something like that to her." Something like send her to a Community College, like the one where I teach as an English Professor. Oh God, the horror. I pushed it in true sister fashion, giving all my logical reasons why it was a good idea for Melly to prove herself, and for them to save money and also to keep an eye on her.
No dice. Finally, I did the smart thing and shut up. In fact, even though Melly lives only 10 minutes away from said State U with the award winning drama program, my sis and said hubby paid BIG bucks to have her live in the dorms. I did not even give my advice on that one. Fuck it.
Now, the fall semester is ending. Melly has withdrawn, failing, from her only two academic courses, Comp I and Intro to Hamster Society. Oh, the litany of tirades against her profs! They are so stupid! They don't post things correctly on Blackboard! They count attendance too highly! Her English prof apparently, at least according to Melly, misspelled grammar! How could she bother to attend a class where her prof misspelled grammar!! The horrors!
So, one consequence of Melly not passing any course was supposed to be that she not live in the dorms the next semester. You guessed it, that plan is out the window. Melly is quite the great debater. She is going to make up those failures by retaking the courses over the summer, at her own expense, at the easy peasy but ruin-your-life community college. Hey, they thought------don't you teach Comp I online over the summer? Wouldn't it transfer back to Great-Drama-Program-State-U?
OMG. I squelched that one, I THINK.
One final annoyance------my mother called me up the other day. Melly was over. "Hey, Bella-----did you know about a site where kids post things about their college profs? Melly and I are looking at things they say about YOU right now! Did you know that someone wrote....."
Lord help me.
Now you know why I monitor the-site-that-will-not-be-named. Anytime I see anything I don't like, I e-mail them and say, "This is libelous."
ReplyDeleteSo far, they've removed every offending post, usually within 24 hours. My conscience is clear about this, partly because just about anything I don't like really is libelous, and partly because the site is an ethical monstrosity in the first place.
It's sad that some we hold near and dear don't think critically enough to see through this site. But then, remember how a generation ago, they also said, "It must be true, because I saw it on TV." I didn't like seeing my cousin make a fool of herself, so I tried to point out to her gently that acupuncture doesn't work: she's still mad at me.
My Mom, however, was more savvy. I have no doubt that she'd see right through the site-that-will-not-be-named, since she didn't trust any writing that didn't have a name signed to it: she called it a "poison pen letter." She always resented "all the editorializing" on TV, and how she couldn't avoid it: she remarked that in a newspaper, she could just turn the page. This was before TV remote controls, of course.
In my experience, relatives, neighbors, and friends who ask for my advice--and because I love them I'm brutally honest--never ever want more than confirmation that what they want to do is right. Advice that contradicts sending Bubba and Sissy to Expensive Private University (pricey so it must be better than much better instate school or Excellent but not so Expensive Private College) including Gap Year, Service Abroad Year, county college, etc only invokes, "But Tuba, Expensive Private has a great reputation in the US News."
ReplyDeleteOne of many heartbreaking details I might share: Son of neighbor explained that his Expensive Private Uni Tuba teacher was "very very good" as she taught at two schools.
I'm coming to understand what our students text and post to FB: SMH.
I'm curious as to why she spits the meds out now? Is she happy with the way her life is going and the struggles she has?
ReplyDeleteI don't like taking meds either, but every time I go for a "holiday" and can't get out of bed for 3 days I realize that my life is much better with them.
So you are saying that she should take legal mind-altering drugs (i.e. medication) for no other reason than to help her perform and tolerate boring chores? If she were psychotic or very seriously depressed, for example, having to take medication would be understandable. However, we are talking about an individual who is perfectly fine except for some trouble concentrating and possibly lacking motivation. She's not abnormal, she's bored. She wants out! I used to feel the same when I was a student, although I performed fairly well and got my degree.
DeleteMonica, I am inclined to agree with you. BUT I also think it is a matter how it was framed to her originally by her parents. My BIL felt he was "suppressing" her personality. That's one way to look at it. How about if she looked at it as a means of helping her succeed in an arena her natural aptitude for paying attention/following rules makes it extremely difficult, perhaps even impossible, for her to do? In other words, how about looking at it as a means to an end, an end she seems to want for herself (a college degree)? I just wonder if it had been framed for her that way, if she would not be so opposed to the meds. Because she WOULD succeed if she took them. I know she would. And I am not at all sure if she will without them-----it will take more discipline than she seems to have right now.
DeleteOn the other hand, the kid has a hell of a work ethic as far as the jobs that she has (outside of school) and as I said before, she's a great actress/performer. Another way I've suggested my sister advise her is to just PUT OFF school for a little while, work, and be in plays. Try to make it on Broadway. I've had so many adult learners come back to college after taking time off, and that was all they needed. They describe themselves as doing the same exact things Melly has done, or worse, but have now come to a place where they are willing to do what it takes to concentrate and succeed. But I'm done with advice. Now I'm just the Aunt who does not want to hear about her college troubles, as they cast people (her professors) as the bad guys and it is hard for me to listen to when I know I'd do the same things. I also don't want to have Melly in my class, and if she wants to read RMS, I don't want to know about it. LOL.
RMP (or, TSTSNBN).
DeleteBella -- I wonder if they'd be open to the idea of a hiatus if they could describe it as a "gap year" (somewhat delayed), or perhaps an unpaid "internship." Fancy, expensive (but probably not entirely worthless) options exist for both, probably including some in the arts.
DeleteIt does sound like she's somebody who needs to figure out what she wants to do -- and is good at doing, with or without pharmaceutical help; ADHD, as you undoubtedly know, also often brings an ability to hyper-focus on some things, usually the ones the person really enjoys/cares about, though sustaining that attention and/or dealing with ancillary activities that support it, and day-to-day life in general, may still be a problem -- and *then* pursue whatever schooling (and whatever psychological training/pharmaceutical support) would help her do that.
But I also fully understand your retreating entirely. I've had to do that a few times lately, in somewhat parallel situations (when the subject of how available proffies and other teachers should be came up).
One of many heartbreaking details I might share: Son of neighbor explained that his Expensive Private Uni Tuba teacher was "very very good" as she taught at two schools.
ReplyDeleteWell, that's pretty funny as it is probably a freeway-flyer adjunct. But it might be a super-star proffie. At the uni where I did my graduate education there were two profs who could be said to have been teaching at two schools. One guy was mostly at our school, but frequently flew across the Atlantic Ocean to give classes and direct research at another. He had permanent positions at both.
I doubt that a superstar prof would be teaching freshman comp. I wonder if your example is getting paid more than the typical adjunct rate...... :)
Delete@TPP - You are of course right. I focused on the two jobs thing, but the guys I'm talking about were doing R1 natural sciences stuff. One guy had partial responsibility for a major introductory lecture course at our school, but I'm certain he wasn't grading freshmen essays.
DeleteAnother example I fear of a growing divide between those of us with nice jobs and those of us with low pay, no security, no benefits, etc. Your comments make me wonder what the ratio might be for many schools between the number of classes taught by superstar teachers (featured on web pages) and the number by grad students, three-quarter "renewablers," hour-by-hour adjuncts.....
DeleteYeah, I know someone who works at a well-known US university during the year, and frequently spends the summer at Oxford (doing work that involves defining and trying to mitigate poverty, so there's no temptation to snipe -- but clearly a star). But my first thought given that description was "freeway flyer," too (with no disrespect to freeway flyers, having been one myself).
DeleteI really hope she doesn't end up in your comp class. Conflict of interest, right? I'd hate for you to have to give her the F she is likely to earn.
ReplyDeleteYeah, maybe there's a little-known rule that would make it just impossible for you to teach Melly, as much as you'd like to. . . wink.
DeleteExactly! I CAN'T! It's against all kinds of regulations! Nepotism and all that! : 0)
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