You are sick and tired and you need a nap. I understand. Thanks for making it into class today, I appreciate it.
However, I don't appreciate those of you who felt the need to 1) call me over with a question and 2) proceeded to hack and cough and snot all over me while we spoke. Most kindergartners know to use the 'chickenwing' maneuver when they have to cough. All you have to do is push your face into the crook of your arm and spew your germs there. I'm sure it's my fault though, because I forgot to add that little gem into the syllabus. Immediately after class, I ran straight to the bathroom to wash my hands. But it's probably too late. I'm guessing I'll soon become ill, and you can guess how many sick days this fine institution gives it's adjunct faculty members. All this because you couldn't cover your fucking mouth with your fucking elbow.
I guess there is only one option now: Burn this shit out with whiskey. Because it's been that kind of Friday.
"Most kindergartners know to use the 'chickenwing' maneuver when they have to cough."
ReplyDeleteI know mine does. What he doesn't know yet is the proper ratio of whiskey to soda for my cocktails. He continues to insist on including soda.
Bison's Perfect Whiskey-Soda
DeletePour two fingers of Jameson into a glass.
Pour a 12oz bottle of soda water directly down the drain.
Add two more fingers of whiskey to the glass and drink quickly.
Enjoy!
Just tried it and it was spectacular.
DeleteMmmmmm. The second one was just as good as the first.
DeleteI substituted with Blanton's, and doubled the recipe, and it worked.
DeleteI actually do put it in my course syllabus that if a student is sick and wants to ask me a question, they can do so over email OR, if they need to talk "face-to-face" I will Skype with them. I haven't been sick in 2 years. :-)
ReplyDeleteIck, I hate how they think it's perfectly fine in the middle of class to walk across the room to the tissue box and then stand there and empty their entire sinus cavities for us all to enjoy. They are completely flummoxed by my polite request that they step outside, or better yet, use the restroom, for their nose-clearing needs. Savages.
ReplyDeleteThis is very unkind to genuine savages, some of whom are lovely people who wouldn't dream of this kind of inconsiderate rudeness.
DeleteWhy the hell is there a tissue box in the room? That sounds so K-6.
DeleteCan I have a glass if I promise not to shake your hand?
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! I would gladly drink with anyone who didn't cough directly on me.
DeleteWhich should be the majority of the population, one would hope.
Yes. Every preschooler knows this if they listen to Elmo.
ReplyDeleteStudents are like wolves: they can smell fear, and when they do, they mass for attack. And they are like sharks: they can smell blood in the water, and when they do, they go into a feeding frenzy.
ReplyDeleteAnd they are like rabid vampire bats: they spread filth and disease indiscriminately, indeed, often they seemingly enjoy it. I cannot fathom why some faculty want to fuck them: what one can get from that makes the bubonic plague look like an appetizer.
Naturally, your school gives you ZERO sick days. If they were smart, it would occur to them that you can't service their customers when you're sick, or at least shouldn't be. If they were smart.
Why do you think I always carry a Mauser Bolo and a AKSU-74?
DeleteWalls of lead keep things away....
I had one student who sniffed continually in class. Like a little kid. I stopped a lecture once to ask him if he wanted a Kleenex. "No, I'm fine," and continued sniffing. I think one of his friends in class convinced him to blow his nose. The whole class got annoyed at him. Yay peer pressure.
ReplyDeleteOn Monty Python, they ran captions that read, "Stop sniffing!" and "WILL you stop sniffing?" under Eric Idle, as he reviewed a film said to be made by Sam Peckinpaw. Then they shot him with a machine gun, and the blood spurted out, pssssssssssss!
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