My SO and other family members criticize my culinary choices because I'm not very sophisticated in my choice of daily eats. Instead of eating meals, I grab whatever is readily available: a bag of animal crackers, a bag of frozen peas, a tub of blueberries; two tomatoes, an avocado, mozzarella cheese sticks, etc., whatever strikes me as edible at the moment of hunger. My SO buys snack-type items (granola bars, individual baggies of crackers) for me, but I simply end up eating all of them at once until my hunger is assuaged, rather than using them to supplement meals. My colleagues know not to count on me to bring food items that others deem 'pretty' to departmental gatherings (I will happily bring the crackers and dip, but don't expect me to display them in alternating rows to showcase their geometric perfection or to put the hummus in a crystal bowl with decorative silver serving spoons; they'll go on a plate and in the plastic tubs they came in, respectively). Don't get me wrong. This isn't because I cannot cook well. I can, and I do, when I have time or when I feel like it. But mostly, I don't feel like it because 1,824 pages of essays are crying for me to humiliate them every other week. All of this me-me-me info is to set up the premise for my next comments and criticisms, so people know where I'm coming from (somewhat) and that, while I eat and enjoy food, it's not a focus of my daily life and I am never going to have a hobby of photographing and blogging about the foods I've made. Now on to others:My next door neighbor doesn't eat food. In seven years, I have never see her eat a bite of anything. Not a nibble, not even sucking Ranch dip off of a carrot stick. We have food events in our department at least once a quarter. And I've never see her eat. EVER. She chews on frozen Gatorade 'ice' cubes shaped like miniature stars. She keeps her special star-shaped mold in our departmental freezer with a note saying, "Don't touch! Gatorade at work." I'm sure she eats at home (given that she doesn't appear to be dying of starvation), but she doesn't eat at work. Instead, she dips her fingers into a cup, withdraws her star-shaped treat, and C-R-U-N-C-H-E-S all day. The crunching doesn't puzzle or bother me so much as why she needs her Gatorade frozen and in star shapes. When asked, she simply laughs and says, "I'm weird."
A past colleague (to whom I've referred in an earlier post) brought her snacks in individual baggies. Each apple slice had its own little baggie. In fact, I learned that Ziplock bags came in tiny sizes because she often shared a single wedge of orange or a single cube of cheese with me by simply handing me a baggie with the individual item inside. The only things that didn't get individual baggies were goldfish crackers (ten to a baggie). I think she was counting calories, but she never explained her choices and acted like it was normal to keep each portion individually wrapped and separate from the other segments of orange or whatever.
One of my colleagues only eats raw food. She's not vegan, per se, because she will eat sashimi and smoked salmon, but if anyone is in charge of the veggie or fruit tray, she requests that they wash the veggies and fruit in a special vinegar-and-water solution (not a big deal) to kill salmonella more than simply washing with water. She usually is the one to volunteer to bring veggies or fruit to our departmental gatherings (mostly grown in her own garden). She's not annoying about her food choices and doesn't seem particularly environmentally savvy or driven, but if we do go out to eat, she requests a restaurant that has a larger-than-usual salad menu.
Another colleague stores, yet never seems to eat, items in our large refrigerator. Costco-sized tubs of Greek yogurt vie for space next to her two cartons of soymilk. I've never seen her eating the yogurt or drinking the milk, but they disappear and are replaced by new tubs of yogurt and cartons of milk every few weeks. These are not the user-friendly miniature yogurt cups that break apart into individual cuppies. These are the giant industrial-sized portions that take up the whole top shelf... the whole mix of dairy and non-dairy puzzles me.
Finally, another of my colleagues (we share a building, but not a department) eats popcorn voraciously, cramming it into his mouth two fisted, shoving as many kernels as he can into his cheeks before crunching down. I've seen him down a bag of microwave popcorn in under two minutes. He's proud of this fact. He doesn't always eat microwave popcorn; sometimes he brings in a giant bag from the store, or he brings his own, but not a week goes by without the scent of popcorn wafting down the hallway.
When we do have departmental events, we arrange a bevy of culinary treats, a balance of Cheddar, Brie and goat cheeses, crackers, dips, chips, veggies, fruit, sliced or hot meats, chicken wings, meatballs, desserts, and drinks, which the students always enjoy. When we do whole meal-type events, we bring suitable dishes like potato salads, lasagna or quiches, showing that we know what is acceptable food behavior on a group level. And yet, individually, we have some really odd eating behaviors. I know that much of this is due to a busy lifestyle where food, despite being important, isn't a priority. We go for convenience over other options. Since I live in a rural area, we don't engage in much fast-food eating (the nearest fast-food joint is a 20-minute drive away).
Mostly, from these examples, I wonder about the hidden quirks that we don't see. If THESE are the quirks we're willing to share, what kinds of pathological behavior are we keeping hidden from the public, our colleagues, and especially from our students? Am I making too much of the fact that picky eaters or weird eaters (or non eaters) may have other hidden quirks that are way worse than the ones they share at work?
What kinds of "food behaviors" do you or your colleagues engage in? Do they puzzle or bother you? I'm not so much bothered (so this is less a post about misery than it could be) by the behaviors, but I am puzzled by what we consider 'normal' food behavior at work. Given that no movies or TV shows focus on the NORMAL foods that others consume at work (I know we have a whole Food Network, and yet that doesn't seem to focus so much on what we regularly eat at work), I wonder where I get my notions of "normal food behaviors," as well. And lastly, if you've stuck with me through this, do you have a thesis statement for me?
Thesis Statement: We're all mad here.
ReplyDeleteTHAT'S what I'm trying to say!!! :) Our food behaviors indicate something deeply disturbing to me. Thank you.
DeleteThe graphic is AMAZING. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteMost disturbing is the way that years in the academy can pervert our basic notion of food normalcy. We went to a children's birthday party this weekend (hosted by non-academics) and not only were there no gluten-free or vegan options, but there was not a kosher/halal/vegetarian option to be found. Was I to have my two-year old eat a hot dog of uncertain provenance?!
ReplyDeleteI said nothing, reflecting on the fact that one man's philistinism is another's normal.
The oddity in my department: the family who doesn't have some food issue (one has an anorexic wife, my wife does not eat pork, one colleague is straight-up kosher and the chair is vegetarian). The new adjunct who eats all? Barbarian.
(I am almost happy my dad is dead so he can't express his horror at my snobbery.)
And here's my takeaway: I used to be a good cook. And we--my husband, my children, my friends and extended family, me--we all ate well.
ReplyDeleteNow I teach English.
ExActly! :)
DeleteOh--and the graphic makes me NEED-need a hot dog.
ReplyDeleteAn educated hot dog, no less. :)
DeleteI appreciate your attempt at making my colleagues sound normal. We only have two vegetarians and two people who can't cook. The vegetarians make really good food but don't come to department gatherings. The guys who don't own a cookbook love to get together with everybody and share their Cheez Whiz and stale chips.
ReplyDeleteIf you can get one of them to freeze the Cheez Whiz first, that would help them fit in here.
DeleteI can't describe my gustatory weirdness or it would out me. I am, however, a good cook. I use cooking as a form of stress-relief from work, and a distraction from grading papers. I like it because it's easy (unlike teaching), creative (unlike grading), and delicious (unlike, I imagine, students).
ReplyDeleteI'm the weird one in my building so I don't notice anyone else getting strange. But I do notice that someone continues to buy fresh vegetables, put them in the fridge, never open them, then throw away the bag of compost when it rots and buys another bag in its place. I think it's time to give up on that New Years resolution.
Oh, and what we're keeping hidden? My guess is a strange mixture of fetishes, neuroses, mood disorders, and substance abuse.
ReplyDeletea strange mixture of fetishes, neuroses, mood disorders, and substance abuse
DeleteThe new CM motto!
I'm quite offended by this accusation. many of us are open about our substance abuse.
DeleteAs a vegetarian, I silently cheer whenever we hire another one because our department dinners become incrementally more edible. Years ago, the omnivores seemed to think of me as a food snob, because if there was nothing I'd choose to eat at a department meal (and we have one every month), I'd bring in something from my office shelves.
ReplyDeleteOne colleague and I have tried very hard to accommodate each other's food preferences, but it's ridiculously fraught. She's a meat-and-potatoes kinda gal, and her dinners for the dept. often consist of deli meats and cheeses with mayo and limp lettuce on factory-made croissants. She thinks the vegetarian option there is to just pull off the meat.
I'm a fairly wide-ranging eater and decent cook, but for years every time it was my turn to provide a meal, I managed to include something M&P Gal didn't like: curry, then chili powder, then beans. She didn't make a big deal out of it, and even told me that I shouldn't worry about including her tastes, but it just feels right to try. So now I provide basic pasta and a salad with lots of side toppings for folks with different preferences.
It amuses me that she, and my other omnivorous colleagues, seem to think they are so deficient in protein that one meal without meat will harm them. They pile on the sliced boiled eggs and nuts onto their salads as if hoarding food following a close call with starvation.
After I first read this post while eating my lunch of one of those GoPicnic boxes* I saw a professor-looking person walking across campus carefully balancing an un-pressed french press full of green tea.
ReplyDeleteWe are all weird.
*Surprisingly good even if they are just a box of snacks.
Right? We're weird about food!!! And I would LOVE those boxes. SO easy to just grab and go.
DeleteThe GoPicnic boxes ARE awesome. I'm vegan (no, not an militant radical asshole vegan, ok?) but this isn't really a problem at departmental functions, 'cause we don't ever seem to have food there. I mean, when I go. Which is rarely ever.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I have a ton of food neuroses. I feel that rye, in any permutation, is my natural enemy, along with anise/fennel, onions that aren't diced finely enough, any kind of mushroom, bread heels, I could go on but I'll spare you. And I did have a supervisor that would leave his mug of coffee out overnight in the office, come in the next morning, and just reheat that shit back up ALL DAY.
I worked for a guy who would make an entire pot of coffee and then proceed to drink it over the next few days until it was gone. Sometimes he would reheat it. Blech.
DeleteThe only neurosis I have is that I don't like foods to touch that aren't meant to be mixed. IE, the fruit salad must not touch the potatoes and gravy. It does however force me to eat smaller portions than I probably would otherwise.
Agreed on the foods are not to touch, and rye is of the devil.
DeleteMaybe we should design a survey...