If I Were Mod...

You must have blocked my account because now when I try to come to the page I get bounced to a page for a motorcycle shop? Is that supposed to mean something to me? I don't understand what I did that was so wrong. I may have scuffled a bit with Xxxxxxx and Yyyyyyyy, but they both had it coming. If you really don't want me to be a part of the page, you should at least have the guts to tell me instead of clandestinely routing your computer to kick me out. Shoddy.

No, I don’t want you to be a part of the page.  You’re a paranoid jerk.  I do apologize, however, for routing your computer to bring up a page for a motorcycle shop in lieu of CM.  I had intended to clandestinely reroute you to a page featuring donkey boners. 

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I object to today's post about Xxxxxxxxxx. Why can't you generate your own content instead of always linking to other people's articles? Don't you have your own ideas? I just looked at your page for the first time today, but from what I've seen it looks stupid anyway.

I don’t have my own ideas.  The site is stupid.  Go away. 

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Yesterday I couldn't get your mobile page to load. It kept coming up black. What was happening?

The page kept coming up black because you’ve got safe search on your phone and thus I cannot clandestinely reroute you to the page featuring donkey boners. 

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Do you allow students on the page? I think Xxxxxxxx might be a student, based on the things she says. I really was offended by what she said to Yyyyyyyy. Do you think she's a student? I worry that if we allow students that some of my own students will see the things I write. Can you let me know if students are allowed on the page? 

No, we don’t allow students, so you needn’t worry about that.  We have a special program that filters every response on CM and indicates whether a student has written it, and we immediately delete them.  We also have the power to identify a total dingus.  Only we don’t need a special program to identify them.  Only the ability to read.   

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Some of the comments on my post last week have really been bothering me. I don't think the comments were about the post at all, but really just about me. It's like they're obsessed with finding ways to subtly insult me and the way I teach. I know you can see it. Could you review the comments and tell me what you think. I know that if I were a moderator I'd take them down and suspend those privileges for a while.

Wow.  You’re really astute.  I can see it too.  Unfortunately, you’re not a moderator.  I am.  And what I plan to do is bump your post to the top of the page, and send every CMer that insults you an Amazon.com gift card for three hundred dollars.  Bonus if they drop the subtlety and liken you to a donkey boner.   

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Would there be a panic if I turned the comments off on my post from today? I think sometimes people write negative or off-topic things "just because." "Just because" she thinks she's better than I am. "Just because" he thinks I'm teaching wrong. "Just because" I'm such an easy target. I don't understand why we can't all aim our bile at the enemy and not at each other? Am I being too sensitive? I think I want to turn my comments off anyway. Do you have to do it? Can I do it? I can't find a button.

Of course there wouldn’t be a “panic”.  People don’t “panic” when a fellow CMer gets it into their heads that CM is their own private blog.  But the rest of the board will definitely hoard up their resentment and aim it at you later.  As for why we can’t aim our bile at the enemy, if you turn off comments for your post, you’ll be proving yourself an oversensitive narcissist, who wants the exposure and the platform of CM wants to stifle the interaction of the CM community.  If you do that, you are the enemy.  Get your own fucking blog.