Monday, April 22, 2013

Dr. Magnus Arrives.

You can call me DrMagnus! The somewhat rural, small state university I work at is a good deal the like the Sanctuary run by my namesake! Trust me, this place is full of Abnormals - vampires (you know who you are!), shapeshifters (fellow faculty members who change at a moment's notice), werewolves (why does administration act so weird when it gets to be a full moon?), and lots of unusual people (like the barefooted kid in the kilt with the massive walking stick that calls himself a Shaman). And the occasional normal person (myself not included).

Rumor has it that at one time the nearby mental health facility was considered a possible location for our college, the College of Hamster and Gerbil Science. I wish they had bought that building! I will need a padded cell within two weeks.

I have to go to Old City with a small pack of senior abnormals to deliver a corporate-sponsored Hamster Habitat. Here are a sampling of the topics I learned about from last trip I made with them: (a) if you live in a rural area you can go outside naked and no one cares, (b) hamsters will eat their babies, (c) that there are a variety of ways to hide illegal drugs in your car, (d) that mutual comrate C (not in this group) and his bride HAD NEVER done you know what (my euphemism substituted here) before they married? (they are very, very concerned for this new groom) (e) that you can bet a group of seniors WILL INDEED insult the company supporting their senior project.

We have a driver ... I will call him Mr. Ice. He has incredibly selective hearing, nerves of steel, and the patience of 1,000 Zen Buddhist monks. How I envy this man.

I cannot avoid escorting them. First, it would be a crime against Old City to release them into the public and this stage of their academic development. Second, my boss would not be happy. Not at all happy. We don't want to make him angry. We won't like him when he is angry.

How do I transport a group of abnormals to Old City without ending up in the asylum? I think I will go on Am@z0n and look for a tranq pistol (for myself!) and some industrial strength ear plugs. If you don't hear back from me within three weeks, you will know I have snapped.


  1. Wow, with the different humanoid species together with the nearby mental health facility, it sounds like we may have worked together at one time!

  2. Welcome, Dr. M! This sounds like a fascinating (and hair-raising/losing) expedition. I hope you will check in along the way.

    Also, thanks for the reminder of why, while I really am interested in directing undergraduates who are doing independent research, I should probably be careful about answering ads for jobs that involve said activity. I'm not sure I'd survive such a trip.

  3. Do you have any percocets? Or vicodin? These work well. You think I'm kidding. Xanax is a lifesaver, too. Those are all prescription of course (though in the case of the Xanax, not that difficult to get).

    If none of these alternatives are possible, I have been known to snort two shots of vodka before a particularly difficult meeting. You're not driving. Good vodka in a bottle of "juice," administered carefully, will definitely help. Don't get falling down drunk. Just keep a very light buzz. Sort of white noise in your mine. And if you're a bad drunk forget what I just said because you will likely kill one of them.

    Bring a podcast or two to listen to on your ipod on the way. Say "I'm going to zone out a bit and listen to Dr. Sweatblooder discuss hamster feces. I'll report back to you."

    If you're lucky they'll think you're not listening and you'll learn a whole bunch of shit. If you're unlucky the class brown noser will sit next to you and attempt to engage with you as if you are intellectual equals.

    Bon Voyage. And welcome.

    1. I mean, "in your mind." Though white noise in your mine isn't a bad idea either.

  4. Welcome, Dr. Magnus. I'm not up on the Sanctuary, but it's good to have a new extended metaphor around here. (When it gets to Netflix, I'll be sure to check it out.)

    My old migraine medicine worked wonders on lower-grade school field trips. I took it prophylactically and found that the sedative in it made everything just a little softer and easier to take. Alas, the FDA pulled Midrin from the market . . .

    I'd argue against the clandestine screwdrivers, though, if for no other reason than to that you don't want your boss angry. The ipod idea is terrific, though you may not be able to actually hear any podcasts.

    Do keep us informed!

  5. Oh, I love me some paranormal viewing: thanks for turning me on to series I haven't watched yet. This is why a Sanctuary exists! And they should never ever leave. Ever.


  6. Welcome! I look forward to reading more great rants!

  7. Welcome! Let us know how it all went!