Thursday, May 9, 2013

Rate Your Real, Goddamned Students.

Some Real Goddamned Email suggested that this site would be funnier if we rated our students with "a score between 0-5 for 'stupidity,'  'listening skills,' and reading skills."  Let's test that hypothesis.

All five of my classes took an exam this week. (I know, I didn't intend to bunch them all up like this, but here we are.) Each time, I started with my usual spiel, complete with a PowerPoint slide, about using the restroom before, not during, the test; reading the directions; writing all answers in the essay book; and not asking me for feedback about one's answers during the exam. The essay book (which they have used before) says clearly, "Start writing here."  The exam directions (which they have seen before) say clearly, "Answer as fully as you can. Show your work. Use course vocabulary and provide definitions, details and specific examples."

Based on the conversations and early results, here are my ratings for particular students. 0 = low, 5 = high.
  • Fred Farkle 
    • "Where should I start writing?" 
    • Stupidity 5, Listening skills 0, Reading skills 0.
  •  Fannie Farkle
    •  "Should I show my work? I mean, should I show it in the essay book or on the scrap paper?"
    • Stupidity 5, Listening skills 0, Reading skills 0.
  •  Frieda Farkle
    •  "If I put "weasels and mayonnaise," is that right?"
    •  Stupidity 5, Listening skills 0, Reading skills 0.
  • Sparkle Farkle
    • "Can I use the restroom?" 
    • Stupidity 3, Listening skills 0, Reading skills 0.
  • Simon Farkle
    • "It's okay if I just jot down the main points, right? You don't really want details, do you?"
    •  Stupidity 5, Listening skills 0, Reading skills 0.
  • Gar Farkle
    • "Should I put 'Fringe' here or 'Alias'?
    •  Stupidity 5, Listening skills 0, Reading skills 0. 
And my very favorite, their neighbor:
  • Ferd Berfle
    • "Can I just make stuff up?"
    • Stupidity 5, Stupidity 5, Stupidity 5.




23 comments:

  1. Ooo! Ooo! I wanna play!

    This semester brought us, among others, our prize-winning contestant, Robert the Unready, no doubt the long-lost descendant of Ethelred, who turned up to a major test sans pencil or blue-book, which, sadly, isn't that uncommon. What really put him over the top was that he also showed up sans a clue (didn't know we were having a test that day, despite it having been on the syllabus), manners (complained loudly about said test, demanded to 'borrow' a Blue Book), understanding of the word "test" (as evidenced by continually asking me for answers to the questions), a grasp of classroom conduct (he just stopped writing and left, leaving his Blue Book on the desk, when he was finished), or any hope of passing the test or the course (whether he knows it or not). It was all I could do not to giggle the whole time he was frowning and head-scratching his way through it. Thank god the suffering and failures of others amuses me. Without schadenfreude, dolts like Robert might actually make this job difficult to take.

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    1. Two things:
      1. "Robert the Unready" belongs in a Student Moniker Hall of Fame.

      2. Wylod, you've nailed it with: "sans ... understanding of the word 'test' (as evidenced by continually asking me for answers to the questions)." What is this about? Have they had previous tests where this was possible?

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    2. Proffie, I always wonder about this. Has asking the proctor for answers ever worked? Or do they just lack the ability to learn from past failures? Of course, that tracks with other available evidence.

      And thank you for the kudos. Personally, I've always maintained that your own nom du misere is my personal fave. The only way it could get better is if you really did have your own troupe of trapeze artists/catburglars.

      Delete
    3. Well, it may be that on high-stakes (for teachers as much as students) standardized tests they *have* to some degree been fed the answers. I've never heard of it happening during a test, but I've certainly heard of very explicit coaching beforehand, and of "erasure" parties afterward (see recent cases in Atlanta and Washington, D.C.). "Testing" has, in fact, been a different experience for many of our students than it was for us, with teachers (and principals) having as much or more stake in the outcome than students themselves. I actually think there is some argument for exit testing of some sort that is high-stakes for the students, and scores by someone else than the teacher (a la the English system, at least as I understand it), and there's a part of me that wouldn't mind being evaluated at least in part by what my students learn in the course of a semester (as opposed to how they feel about the class on a certain day in May or December), but it's clear that such approaches have the potential to seriously distort the educational experience, often, apparently, in the direction of extreme passivity/teacher-dependency on the part of students.

      Delete
    4. In fact, I've found myself coaching students pretty explicitly on what to write about on an assessment instrument currently being used in the class I teach most often (as part of an accreditation-related university-wide project). The thing is, I read the responses, too (to encourage actual effort, completion of the instrument carries credit toward the course grade), and I know that unless the students actually understand the concepts, they won't be able to write a coherent response in their own words (in fact, in some cases students who probably do get the concepts, or at least about 80% of the concepts, get themselves pretty badly tangled up, since their understanding is of the dawning variety, and human beings' written prose has a tendency to go to pot when they're wrestling with new ideas). Of course, this approach only works for responses that require actual sentences; multiple-choice, matching, and/or fill-in-the-blank answers can be more effectively "fed."

      Delete
  2. One of the last classes I ever taught was filled with some real winners.

    Part of the course I had them for involved a lab/shop session where I'd have them either put together hardware or, sometimes, disassemble it to see what made the pieces work. I decided on alternating weeks: one week would be for tutorials and the other one in the shop.

    For the first month, I reminded them of which was which. Did they remember afterwards? Of course not. I'd often show up at the shop on the designated week dressed in my coveralls and wearing my safety glasses only to find some of the students were missing.

    Fortunately, I didn't have to go far to the classroom that was reserved for my tutorials and guess who I found there? I'd step through the door, dressed in my coveralls, and the first question out of someone's mouth would inevitably be: "Are we going to be in the shop today?" In a course lasting 4 months, I'd still be asked that well after the midterm. I could accept that for one or two people, but half a dozen or more?

    That bunch was so dumb that they made the Trailer Park Boys look like Mensa members.

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  3. And NO hot chili peppers for them. Ever.

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  4. I just had an adult (i.e., not 18 - 22) student submit a paper which was 75% copied.

    When asked for an explanation, he said ... wait for it ... "Since I listed my sources, I didn't know I couldn't do that."

    I know there are some out there twisting themselves into pretzel trying to fashion a rationale for how/why students don't seem to understand what plagiarism is.

    Could you steal money from a bank but claim, "I told you I got it from the bank, so it's OK"?

    Or shoplift from a store, "I said it was from the grocery store, so it's acceptable"?

    Never any chili peppers!

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    Replies
    1. Consider me a pretzel.

      The larceny analogy doesn't work because there is no situation where it's okay to pick up a candy bar (or bottle of bourbon) from a store without paying for it, whether or not you say it was from the store.

      On the other hand, it's never okay to pay for any part of a paper, even if you do cite the source.

      What that student didn't get was that some large percentage (75%?) of the paper was supposed to be original. If that expectation was in the syllabus, on the assignment, or in the college cheating policy, then the student's excuse (adult or not) merits a 5, 0, 0.

      And, of course, no chili peppers.

      Delete
    2. Hope you are able to untwist, PG.

      I grant you there is no perfectly fitting analogy, but c'mon, cutting-and-pasting entire paragraphs?

      This student basically wrote a pathetic four line introduction and an even lamer four line "conclusion" and the entire rest of the paper was copied. Didn't even rise to the scam of big block quotes with in-text cites. The entire middle of the paper had no citations, just a reference page.

      And originality needs to be in the instructions? How is that not clear from the fact that the student is being asked to answer the question?

      Please, I've only been teaching natural and social sciences for 15 years. Did I miss a part of the academy where it is acceptable to submit unoriginal writing, not quoted but copied from sources, by way of answering posed questions?

      OK, I get it that some of the minutiae of citing sources can result into ambiguities as to what constitutes plagiarism.

      But we can't agree that cutting-and-pasting 75% of a paper should be a bright line no-no?

      Delete
    3. A&S, knowing the details does indeed untwist me.

      And of course I agree that cutting and pasting 75% of a paper should be a bright line no-no. In fact, I'd put that bright line at maybe 33%. There is no part of the academy (to my knowledge) where that is not true.

      But did the *student* know?

      If that were my student, I'd want to have a CYA statement in my syllabus before throwing the book at him or her.

      Here's another analogy, no doubt imperfect: do you know which bolts on a bicycle are righty-tighty and which tighten in the opposite way? Which ones to tighten really hard, and which ones to leave "finger-tight"? To someone who's been trained (or taught oneself), and who's put it to use for 15 years, this knowledge is second nature. To someone trying to learn it, not so much.

      Delete
  5. "Reading Skills" = actually investing attention in anything more challenging than a text or a tweet. It's my job, evidently, to make instructions so easy to process that they don't need to be looked at. It's also my job, apparently, not to make the mistake of giving tests that might require preparation; if a test requires studying, something's wrong with the test, and therefore me for giving it. I give myself a "5" for stupidity. I was stupid enough to believe that I was being paid to advance literacy, not facilitate its demise.

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    1. And don't ever teach them anything they've never seen before. Just confirm that they are all like the children in Lake Wobegon--geniuses, every one of them.

      It sounds like what I had to contend with. Worse were the administrators who supported the students.

      I left before I either become an alcoholic or went completely nuts.

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    2. @ Bloody Tongue: "It's my job, evidently, to make instructions so easy to process that they don't need to be looked at."

      Yep. That's the message I'm getting, too. Not from my colleagues or administrators, but certainly from the students (as if I'd listen to them about this).

      Delete
    3. I, too, have this impression (especially when I'm asked to "clarify the instructions" via email, send back a very slight paraphrase of what I wrote in the first place, and get "thanks; I get it" back. Some of them just insist on being told personally, which sort of defeats the purpose of written instructions, and, come to think of it, classes. Personal tutors for all! -- a system to which I wouldn't actually be opposed, if someone were willing to pay me full-time wages to work with, say, 20 students (4 hour-long weekly student meetings a workday, with the other 4 hours reserved for grading/planning/email time. That would work. It would also be hideously expensive.)

      Delete
  6. One thing that shocked me about my students quoted above was that many of them are among my most engaged students and have C+ and B grades. Only one or two previously resembled Wylodmayer's Robert the Unready. My 37 Percenters just dropped.

    Unlike No Longer An Academic, I enjoy a lot of my students most of the time; most of mine don't consider themselves geniuses and about half seem to genuinely take an interest. The majority usually are polite and attentive; some ask content-related questions that show insight.

    If only I didn't have to check to see what they're actually learning.

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    1. I feel exactly this way this semester. They seem truly engaged. They are polite. They are even mostly passing. But some of their exam questions.....Wow. Just wow.

      Loved this post, PG!

      Delete
  7. Thanks for the graphic, RGM! Is that POW because of hitting Raggedy Andy, or did I write a Post of the Week? And if I did, do I get a raise?

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    1. That time I got POW I got to pay a little less that week.......

      Delete
    2. Thanks for the laugh and the praise, Bella!

      Delete
  8. I once gave an exam question that went something like... "Using weaving machines as an example, explain the manufacturing process used to make machines." About a quarter of the answers explained in great detail how a weaving machine made cloth.

    When I asked these students what happened, they said they just saw the words "weaving machine" in the question and started writing.

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    1. Hoo-boy. I love those answers. I love it when students just randomly pick a couple of words and write an answer that ties into those two words but not the actual question asked. My favorite was when I asked a very specific question about Kantian ethics and got an essay on what "ethics" meant and why it was important to practice ethics.

      Delete
  9. I once gave an exam question that went something like... "Using weaving machines as an example, explain the manufacturing process used to make machines." About a quarter of the answers explained in great detail how a weaving machine made cloth.

    When I asked these students what happened, they said they just saw the words "weaving machine" in the question and started writing.

    ReplyDelete

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