Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Dr. Magnus Update.

Well, my pack of abnormals and I survived the trip to Old Town
I received a ton of good advice hen I expressed concern about an upcoming trip to Old Town with a pack of senior abnormals  ... I skipped the Xanax and liquor (or licker, as they call it around Old City), but bought myself a Sony Walkman and took my Surface tablet.  I will know share with you all what I learned:
  1. My department chair has telepathic abilities.  He was able to contact me while on the road, traveling through densely packed trees where I swear no cell phone service was available, with comments on paperwork I was in the process of submitting.  This interesting facet of his abilities gives me reason for concern.  This must be investigated with some basic experiments at the next faculty meeting.
  2. I love my Windows Surface tablet, but you can't use a touch screen device successfully while on a bumpy road (don't worry everybody -- I wasn't driving!). It was almost as bad as the laptop that would lock the hard drive and freeze when it sensed something jarring it -- driving down a bumpy road, trying to work on a grant proposal, as your laptop freezes every two keystrokes.  Again, I was not driving. 
  3. A Sony Walkman can block out almost any sound, except for bugs hitting the hitting windshield.  In addition, the only FM radio stations it wants to pick up are (a) unbearably depressing music genres or (b) foreign language stations you can't understand but do have a relaxing effect on the mind.
  4. Two of the abnormal pack were unable to make the trip.  One had a legitimate reason, the other had a sudden and mysterious onset of what I will call hyena flu.  Apparently one was the pack leader, and without his presence the rest of the pack was docile, well-behaved, and quiet.  Either that or they got nailed with tranq darts before we left.
  5. My sister has begun to worry about my mental condition after dealing with so many abnormals in the last months.  She called my about 9 pm while I was still in the van and heard the silence in the background.  Her first comment was, "Magnus, you didn't euthanize that pack, did you?  It's too quiet! What have you done?"
  6. The species of abnormal I was traveling with exhibited an interesting attitude toward food.  Doughnuts that were brought along for the trip were shared freely with the pack, myself, and our driver.  Said doughnuts, however, were reluctantly shared with an abnormal who hopped aboard our van to help with directions at the industrial complex in Old City.  Her reaction to seeing a doughnut box in the van was downright scary, and out of fear this pack shared them with her.  When she exited the van, however, the pack began to loudly complain that the doughnuts were theirs, and they didn't like having to share.  I felt like it was kindergarten again.
  7. One of the younger pack members expressed a disturbing affinity for a particular type of candy.  We all watch amazed as he ingested an enormous quantity.  It seemed to send him into a sugar-induced sleep for a few hours.  If traveling with this species again, I will make this candy available as an experiment.  It is cheaper than tranq darts, and far less illegal than drugging their doughnuts. (That student should have known better than to leave those doughnuts unattended near me).
The pack is graduating today ... which means that next semester I will get to study a new group of abnormals.  I had better stock up on doughnuts, cotton candy, and a foil lined hat to wear to faculty meetings.
Dr Magnus out!


  1. Thanks for the delicious update. I'm not sure which I liked more: the psychic chair or the pack management. Please keep it coming, especially your research results.

  2. Thanks, Proffie Galore! It looks like a need a refresher in hamster linguistics, considering all the typos in that post. I apologize to all, and promise to spell and grammar check my post next time. DrMagnus out!

  3. Glad you made it back in more or less one piece! Thanks for the update (and the tips for pack-wrangling. I wonder what the online equivalent of drugging the doughnuts is? For the sharing problem, I'd be inclined to prescribe _Adulting_, or perhaps _Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten_).