Ooooh, I'd so like to watch a colleague's retirement party end in a fistfight for example.
Dick, you can never retire!
Submit a tell-all memoir to the campus literary journal on the day you retire.
Oh, make a big scene Dr. Tingle, when you go. You've earned it.I love your poems, and envy your summer travel reports.
It sounds like you've made enough of a name for yourself that you're known beyond the campus (but presumably also associated with it, unless you've moved around a lot). Perhaps you could get the commencement-speaker slot at your institution, and tell it like it is? Or, failing that, write an expose (of whatever length you choose, from op-ed to tome. Maybe in meter? I'd love to see you tingling in the NYT).
Oh lawd... Writings like this are likely to be scrutinized by Campus Security (if not the NSA).
I was thinking that, too. I'm pretty sure that Dr. Tingle's idea of a blazing, bang-filled finish is more sophisticated than that of your average 18-20-something gun/explosives nut, but whether those in charge of threat assessment can tell that, I'm not so sure.
You could go out like a colleague of mine did, with a misdemeanor charge.
Dick Tingle, a.k.a. Bottle Rocket
Here's the thing: retirement is 15 years away, give or take. Yet I hate my U with a burning passion: everything about it, including the people (especially the people). There are written instructions to the effect that, if I die unexpectedly, no one from the U is to be present at any memorial service. So I have a "quitting fantasy": one day, mid-semester, I don't show up for my classes. People check my office, and it's empty. I am gone , just like that. A few days later a letter of resignation arrives at the chancellor's office. And I never exchange a word (even electronically) with anyone from this town ever again.
Err on the side of caution Richard, we need your poetry. One of my colleagues set up an international meeting (cough, cough) for an entire week (cough, cough) at a beach hotel (international) and applied for permission to attend, a few months before retirement. Permission was denied, but he went anyway. The Monday morning after he got back, he found himself fired on the spot. And it held up in court. @PeterK, you need to find another position. 15 years is a long haul.