Chicago Charlie returns tomorrow!
I wish I had a pair of glasses to put on that would highlight plagiarized text in student writing.It takes me oh so long to find some of their stolen Wikipedia paragraphs using The Google.
I would like to,if allowed to,fly beneaththe Dean's radar reach.
If I hadn't already developed a nearly unbeatable bullshit detector, I'd ask for one of those, maybe something I could point!
Hrm. I wish I could instantaneously write a revolutionary, brilliant, much-lauded scholarly book in the exact area of the asshole that long ago had me fired because he insisted I was too stupid to to be his colleague.I mean, like a book that totally changes his particular area of study, for which I will be asked to deliver many plenary addresses at which he will perforce be in attendance.
Ooh. I like this. We should have a whole thirsty on revenge fantasies.
I wish I had the power to make faculty vote their conscience in every meeting, instead of making their choices based on the Dean they most want to impress or suck up to.
I wish I had the power to compel faculty to say what they mean, rather than using weasel words which everyone interprets differently, thus producing the illusion of consensus now in exchange for a bitter disagreement later.A closely allied power would be to compel them to say things openly instead of behind one another's backs.
A mute button.
I know it's not original, but Wonder Woman's golden lasso of truth would come in mighty handy!
The power to ensure that students' tuition payments can be spent only to support activities that directly or one-degree-of-separation indirectly support their educations. So, any time someone attempts to spend student payments (including "fees") on athletics, or paying off loans for fancy dorms/gyms/dining halls, or publicity aimed at raising the university's profile, or assessment that does nothing to improve instruction, the money mysteriously disappears, and reappears in an account dedicated to the salaries of instructional faculty (shouldn't "instructional faculty" be redundant? Sadly, it doesn't appear to be so any more), or library personnel and resources, or academic support/administrative personnel who spend their time dealing with the nitty-gritty of fulfilling the university's core instructional mission (including the sort of research that involves students and/or informs classroom teaching).
Invisibility would be handy. Bending steel bars with my bare hands would be impressive. The ability to fly would solve the perennial campus parking problem, for me at least. But the best, especially as a young postdoc/Accursed Visiting Assistant Professor/tenure-track assistant professor who was seemingly constantly trying to beat a deadline would be the ability to stop time.
A useful non-superpower that I wish I could have would be an open-carry permit for a tranquilizer dart gun. Even better would be the soma spray used for riot control in "Brave New World."
A truly magic marker that compels students to do what I write on the board (when I choose). Read the syllabus. Complete this week's reading by Wednesday. Use my course web site FAQ before emailing me. Arrive at least 5 minutes before class starts. Commit 2 hours of study time for each hour in class per week. Don't take more than 2 classes if you work full time.
Along Frod's vein: teleportation. No commute time to school. Instant setup of demonstrations in class, without the stupid cart. Fewer stairs going up and down 2 flights every time I need to see the department secretary. Easy avoidance of colleagues or students who want to chat before or after meetings or classes.
I want that last one too. An Invisibility Cloak ought to do it.
For campus: "X-ray" vision that would allow me to see -- imagine thought bubbles --what students are thinking as I am at my umpteenth attempt to get them to engage in a conversation.For online: The power to reach through the Interwebz and provide a "Gibbs slap"* to those whose ignorance/incompetence/disinterest annoys me. * NCIS reference
Good thirsty!For me, it would be the ability to clone myself and then reabsorb the clones, having the knowledge that they gained added to my own. I could have three different clones going at once: one grading, one researching, and one lying on the beach. I'd still have to sit through boring meetings, but at least that time wouldn't be wasted because *other* clones would be doing something productive.
Wait. Why wouldn't you be the one at the beach, and have a clone at the meeting?
The ability to block wifi and cellphone signals by snapping my fingers at the start of class.
I want to be the Mother Confessor (Terry Goodkind fans will know this).
I want to be The Flash with the ability to go to the campus bar, down a brew, and get back to class before the little buggers look up from their phones. O.K., at my age, it's more like go to the bathroom and back.
Ooooo...this is a good one and so many good ideas. I guess for me I would like truth detection, because I am so very gullible at times. And since my worst student ever will be back with me this Fall, the ability to mute folks as needed. The class as no need for disrespectful, rude, snide comments!
Frenna, jump on that kid ASAP with a statement in your syllabus about classroom conduct and consequences, including being dismissed from class on the first instance. Then make a handout based on the Disciplinary Action reporting form (or whatever your campus calls it). On the first day, tell the class you want a respectful, polite classroom, and that to protect the majority of students, you will dismiss students for rudeness at the first opportunity, even the first day if necessary.Then kick ass as needed. If he threatens you in any way, call campus police and your dean immediately. You can ask students to take 5 minutes to look over the syllabus and come up with questions for you while you make the call. Side benefits: other potential jerks will know you mean business, and decent human beings in your classroom will be on your side for the rest of the semester.
A license to cry uncontrollably on campus whenever I witness the horrors that cause the misery.
Dick Tingle's is good: I'd like to be invisible to any and all administrators, starting with the department chair (just give me my raises based on any points system for research you decide upon).But I still prefer my original idea: the power to choose, for all future time, which classes I am going to teach (all honors and graduate level).