This happens. I usually don't fuss too much. I get emails about books, about an early syllabus. It's usually limited and not a big deal
But Tony. Tony has announced himself to me three times via email. He also has left a note under my office door that I unfortunately found one day when I went to clear out some old files.
I hate Tony Culkin already.
I'm baffled today because Tony Culkin has sent me three short stories to read. These are his short stories. There are sand monsters in them. He wants to know which publications I read and which ones would be right for his work.
It's 2 weeks until class. Do you think Tony can wait?
Dude. You are soooooooo screwed.
ReplyDeleteOh God. A short story submitter.
ReplyDeleteOh God.
Bless his heart! I'm sure you have plenty of time to crush his soul later. Let him have hope for now.
ReplyDeleteIs it a composition or creative writing class? If composition, you can kindly tell him you aren't really qualified to comment on his craft. If not ... you're screwed.
ReplyDeleteIt's a typical freshman composition class, exposition, persuasion, etc. I always get a few writers, poets, etc., but these stories are heavily fantasy / sci fi, etc, areas I really don't know anything about.
DeleteAnd, it's still 10 days to class! And I have actual CLASS to worry about, not helping Tony find a place for the sand monster trilogy! Oh, and it's not just insane stories, it's riddled with simple grammatical errors. My "writers" often have pretty good skills.
Reminds me of the student who wrote Christian vampire stories, similarly riddled, and submitted some to me IN A SCIENCE CLASS.
DeleteMan, do I feel for you lit-types - a short-story submitter? Sand monsters? Egads. That said, some of mine want to "grab coffee and talk about the meaning of life." I always just barely manage to resist saying, "With a twenty-year-old? What the fuck do you know about it?" No thanks.
ReplyDeleteMind you, one of my undergrad profs was keen to take the majors out for beers - every Friday. On the one hand, it was nice of him, but, on the other, he did have a creepy/unethical/arguably-legally-actionable predilection for dating female undergrad advisees. So maybe it's best that I'm horrified and repulsed by the idea of hanging out socially with my students.
At least I don't get short stories. Fucking sand monsters. Jesus.
I believe you should take the requests of this budding writer seriously. Consider which literary journals would be most enthusiastic. Given the thin details you provide, I would guess that a story about sand monsters should be most welcome by a publication that is affiliated by its name with places containing sand. The Alaska Quarterly Review might be a good fit since Alaska has the most coastline in the US, although I don't know the amount of actual sand found on its coasts. Certainly, Tony should avoid journals form land locked locations like Missouri and Cincinnati. Atlantic Monthly appears to be his best choice.
ReplyDeleteHa!
DeleteIf this were the 1950s or 1960s, I would tell the kid to send the stories to "If" or "Analog", so he could begin his collection of rejection notices....
Seriously, though, there are a large number of online genre magazines that would probably take Culkin's work once he learns to dodge some of the problems of the neophyte writer.
Thanks!
DeleteThere's sand in Arizona and New Mexico. You don't have to be a "coastalist" about it.
DeletePOW.
DeleteYou disappoint me, Hiram. I am grateful for any stirrings of intellectual activity my students show, primarily since it's so difficult to register even a pulse in so many of them. Tell your aspiring sci-fi writer to come in during your office hours, especially if you normally just sit idle then.
ReplyDeleteNo matter if their creative activity befits that of an 18-to-20-year-old. The point of what we do is to get them to move on to better. If what they have for you is outside your field, like the engineering or math majors from my physics classes who keep bringing in problems from their engineering or math courses, be honest with them, shrug your shoulders, and tell them it's outside your field.
If it's a genuinely cranky student or UFO enthusiast, such as the one from my general-ed astronomy class for non-majors who wants me to hear their theory of how the Universe is inside the 92nd electron of a plutonium atom (I have yet to see any compelling evidence that it is), feign interest and then encourage them to write up the results and send them to the journal that most recently had a referee that gave me a hard time. If it's a conspiracy theorist, reason with them: it may be the first time anyone has ever tried.
By the way, I'm going to have an apparent Tony this term, too. To keep him busy over the summer, I gave him a reading assignment. When the term starts, I'll find out just how good he really is, by asking him questions that will show whether he did the reading---which if he's as good as I was at his age, he should have looked forward to and enjoyed.
DeleteHiram, I love your posts! Does anyone else teach another section of this particular class? Might you be able to hint that this other teacher is more of an expert on sand monsters than you are? This is a devious solution, but particularly nifty if you dislike said other teacher....
ReplyDeleteOh, my. Sounds like it's going to be a fun term. I'm always glad, in similar moments, that I inhabit a department that has a fair number of actual creative writing teachers, which allows me to point out that I have a Ph.D. in literature (written mostly by long-dead people, in genres few of my students would touch with a 10-foot pole), not an M.F.A., and so am unqualified to offer an opinion on such work. I have offered creative options on occasion in lit classes, and find I'm usually more or less equal to the task of grading the results and making a few suggestions, but the student who thinks comp=creative writing is always a problem, and some are harder to dissuade than others. Tony sounds like a tough one. On the other hand, he also sounds like he just might be narcissistic enough to want nothing further to do with you if you won't recognize, through word and deed, that the world revolves around him and his literary ambitions. At least you can hope that's the case.
ReplyDeleteApparently you're not alone (well, either that, or you're Bev in male drag; you are both from Ohio): http://excelsiorbev.blogspot.com/2013/08/to-boldly-go-where-no-paper-has-gone.html .
ReplyDeleteFreshman enthusiasm is a wonderful thing -- except, of course, when it isn't.