I hope my e-mail will not upset you or raise questions about my high regard for this course. However, I have to admit that I have not done anything regarding this course due to other courses I have to do which are more important for my degree.
Fact of the matter is that I regret this, and still want to put my every bit of effort in trying to complete your course on the 17th of december when the exam is. However I have no information whatsoever on the course because I have not attended to any of the lectures or classes, and I also have not completed any of the surveys. Could you please tell me what kind of an exam I can expect on the 17th of december? And is it normal that I don't have a notice of this exam in my timetable? I have read somewhere that we need to write an essay or something? How can I prepare myself in the best possible way for this after I have missed everything up until now?
At first I thought I would put my 100% thought on my other course, but now I have found some time to put in your course and I want to do anything to finish it now rather than with the second oppurtinies this year.
Kind regards,
Note: The exam is on December 19th
Really? Truly? This isn't some sort of third-day-of-Advent present for us? Can you simply say "I understand your desire to complete this course successfully, but given everything you say in your e-mail I don't believe you can catch up at this late date. If you feel otherwise, please come see me in my office." And then you can be a bit more forceful without any paper-trail.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, then you take his head for your home office.
OMG that's AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteCould you please tell me what kind of an exam I can expect on the 17th of december?
ReplyDeleteA very, very difficult one
And is it normal that I don't have a notice of this exam in my timetable?
It is if you haven't been to class all semester.
I have read somewhere that we need to write an essay or something?
That sounds about right.
How can I prepare myself in the best possible way for this after I have missed everything up until now?
Ask for Divine Intervention, but I wouldn't count on that either.
The good news is you'll definitely finish the course.
Don't worry about it. After your fifth absence you were automatically dropped.
ReplyDeleteOh, this made me giddy! Attaching a "drop" slip to the email is possible, right? :)
ReplyDelete"How can I prepare myself in the best possible way for this after I have missed everything up until now?"
ReplyDeleteBuild a time machine.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteThe above is my first thought, a stalling mechanism to figure out a dastardly-between-the-lines-snarky answer to this desperate plea.
Rest assured that you will receive the grade you deserve in this class.
ReplyDeleteI love that it ends with "Kind regards," as if a few kind words could somehow negate the ballsiness of the request.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the funniest things I've read today. Right up there with some of the worst sentences from the batch of research essays I am correcting.....
ReplyDeleteThe lack of self-awareness is a delight. But what gets me most is the lack of awareness about what it takes to learn a topic. Like, she just assumes that we stretch out our material to cover 16 weeks but really you could just get it all in an email just before the exam. Does she imagine that professors are a very long-lived species, moving at the glacial pace of a tortoise's thoughts? Or does she think that she is traveling at relativistic speeds, and can cram 16 weeks into a few minutes through time dilation?
ReplyDeleteThis is such a teachable moment. Give her a copy of the syllabus. Give her the exam. Give her a zero. Give yourself a glass of something bubbly.
Maybe she thinks she has Hermione Granger's time thingy.
DeleteI will use your prescription for handling a couple of my magically reappearing students.
The Reverend William Spooner was a historian and Warden at New College in Oxford. He had a curious speech impediment, in which he would transpose syllables. His perspective would be interesting, since he had a similar case, in which he was seen angrily saying to a student:
ReplyDelete"You have hissed all my mystery lectures, and have tasted the whole worm!"
(Later in life, he was seen saying, "You don't want to hear a speech, you just want me to say one of those...things." It is said that New College is haunted by his spirit. Ghosts who talk are rare, but ones who can raise a smile when they do so are rarer still.)
I didn't know Spooner was self-conscious about those ...things.
DeleteI hope my e-mail will not upset you or raise questions about my high regard for you. However, I have to admit that I have not had any thought regarding you due to other students I have who are more important because they attend class.
ReplyDeleteAt first I thought I would put my 100% thought on those students, but now I have found some time to respond to your email. However I have no information whatsoever on any possible way you could pass this class.
Fact of the matter is, second oppurtinies in life are rare. Next time, make the most of your first oppurtiny
Kind regards,
You are nifty and I like you.
DeleteGosh, even when I leave off punctuation?
DeleteStrelnikov response email:
ReplyDeleteGreetings to Citizen Student X,
You do know the test is on the 19th of the 12th month, yes?
If this were the glorious Union of Soviet Socialist Republics in 1936, there would be a good chance you would be arrested for sending such a note due to the Great Terror, viz. the note would be considered "wrecking." And wreckers are always shot.
Please "get yourself together" as they said in Southern California in the late 1970s, study, and come to the test ON TIME on the 19th.
Za pobyeda!
Strelnikov, ex-KGB
I just had one of these. I said, "If you want the intellectual exercise of writing the final paper and taking the exam, go for it. But you won't pass the class." She looked dumbfounded. I said, "It's math. Just do the math."
ReplyDeleteSo now she thinks that your class is a math class...
DeleteYep. I've had a couple of those students this semester. I had one email me asking what her grade was (mind you, we've only had three graded assignments, each worth an equal portion of the grade, so not exactly rocket science). I replied that it was in the 30s range. Her response was, predictably, shocked: "I thought I was doing much better!" I asked her what she thought her grade was before she emailed me and she told me "a B or something."
DeleteThey ALL think they're doing better than they are. They've been winners through high school. They've been awarded for showing up and only rarely shitting their pants. Of course any kind of real grading will confuse them.
DeleteLK
I like PG's answer, but my own reply would probably be: "dear student, according to the grading scheme described on the syllabus, you have an F on this course."
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about including this awesome snowflake email (and my reply) as an "illustration" on the syllabus, the next time I teach an intro class.