|Most Well Dressed?|
Most Inane Request goes to Loony Len for "Please can you change the title of my session to “Hamsters Living in Baskets” because it says “Hamsters & Baskets” and it will disadvantage me because the other 3 papers are about Hamsters and mine is about Hamsters living in Baskets and so it will disadvantage me because people who are interested in Hamsters living in Baskets might not realize they should come to my session” [I changed the title alright - to All About Hamsters].
Most Stupid PhD Student goes to Leo Tolstoy Smith [really? What were your parents THINKING?] – for sending me 12 emails regarding whether or not he should publish his 4-page, data-free paper in full or in abstract only because he “wouldn’t want anyone to steal” his work [I had to slap my fingers from typing back “your idea is so stupid it’s a miracle we accepted your paper, there is no way anyone would be stupid enough to steal it – but wait - perhaps you have a twin?”]
Most Stupid Area Chair goes to Dr Lady Beard– I asked you to group your accepted papers into coherent sessions of 4. Instead you sent me a list of papers randomly highlighted in different colours – as in 2 in pink, 5 in green, 1 in yellow. [Why? Why? What is WRONG with you?]
Most Outrageous Dietary Request goes to Fuss-atarian Fred: No meat (cattle). Except lamm [sic] ok, fish ok but not sea food. Food must be washed in distilled water not tap water. [We threw a vegan salad at him and we didn’t wash the leaves -which hopefully had been covered in the organic fertilizer known as urine- in any water of any kind]
Most Ridiculous Re-Scheduling Request [after program had been finalized and online for weeks] goes to Fly-in Fiona for: You've scheduled me at 12.50 but I can only present my paper at 1.20pm on Thursday (and no other day) because I am flying in from [another country] and arriving at the airport at 12.40 and flying out again at 3pm. [The airport is at the other end of our huge city with a very congested traffic system and there would also be international arrival and departure procedures to go through- what a surprise, despite being scheduled at precisely 1.20 this idiot was a no-show].
Most Clashes in the Progam goes to Many-PhD-Students Stan: [Of course some of your papers clash with each other in the conference schedule. You are listed on 15 papers as a co-author and we only had 10 possible session times. What did you think we could do? Create five extra session times just for you?]
Most Desperate Conference Slut goes to Lush Lolita. [Yes I know your strategy to succeed as a PhD student is to sleep with a Professor in order to get an A publication. But that bald sweaty old professor you've been rubbing up against all night? He's gay. And no, I'm not willing to sleep with you either ]