Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Dr. Amelia Wants Us To Play a Game. Anything to Avoid Reading Plagiarizing Pete's Newest Essay.

A colleague of mine got a cookie without fortunes in it. I wrote him a few. Can you come up with others?

  1. The winds howl. Whine-ter is coming.
  2. The research problem you are having will prove intractable.
  3. Coffee with your colleague will be the best moment of your day.
  4. "Sick" for the midterm Suzie will not pass.
  5. It is not your imagination. The students are snap chatting your outfit.
  6. You will spend your winter vacation doing research, and not feel like you have done enough.


  1. I first went to a Chinese restaurant when I was quite young. I thought fortune cookies were so cool I just had to make up a bunch of my own. I convinced my Mom to bake them into a batch of chocolate chip cookies. My Dad got the one that said, "You smell bad." He said, "Hey! Fortune cookies are only supposed to be good!" As a teacher himself, he was much more concerned with how I'd misunderstood a basic concept than the cheeky nature of the misunderstanding itself.

  2. Your institution will hire the snowflake you most dislike.

    A snowflake you don't remember teaching will become super-famous, and will diss you publicly at every possible opportunity.

    Things will get so bad that this will look like a golden age of education.

    Your institution never makes small mistakes.

  3. And to apply the standard "in bed" ending to some of these:

    Coffee with your colleague will be the best moment of your day in bed.

    You will spend your winter vacation doing research, and not feel like you have done enough in bed.

    1. Yes.

      But: "Your institution will hire the snowflake you most dislike in bed"?

  4. Your administration's answer to any faculty complaint is "things are bad everywhere (in bed)."

    You will be expected to do the same amount of research with less funding and less time than ever before (in bed).

    The students who need 98% on the next exam to even pass remain convinced they can do it if they just "study a bit harder" (in bed).

  5. The assessments of your assessments will be assessed.

  6. Of all the articles you have written, colleagues will read only those that have typographical mistakes in them.

  7. Your film-showing colleague will get better student evaluations for serving cookies (in bed).

  8. There will always be a smart-aleck snowflake who thinks he or she's smarter than you.

    There will always be a whiny snowflake who claims to have a stellar academic record in all of his or her courses except, naturally, in yours.

    There will always be a snowflake who will do poorly on the exam you just gave, no matter how easy it was. That person will claim that there was material on it that you never covered and that the exam was "unfair" and "too hard". (Guess who'll be the reason you'll have a chat with the department head soon afterward?)

  9. You can lead a snowflake to facts but you can't make him think.