Saturday, July 18, 2015

New Student Questions. From Amelia

Hi everyone,

My uni has a Facebook group for the new students and it's delightful. Here are some real freshperson questions asked on the board. You can try to give your answers:

1. How do you do college and not look like a freshman?
2. Do you want to be my roommate?
3. Is there a Moe's near campus?
4. Do I really have to do the common reading?
5. What are the floors like in the dorms? Are they gross? Should I wear flip flops?

Have a great weekend.

Your pal, Amelia


  1. 1. Try not to use blue and red Adidas bags or humongous binders. No wait - that was grade 9.

  2. 1. Shave off that stupid beard. You can't grow one yet. And pull up your pants.
    2. Depends. How good is your weed?
    3. There's a Moe's on campus now. The university administration replaced the library with a new student's center, and it has all sorts of amenities to make student life better. No books, though, but you won't miss them.
    4. No. The common reading was invented by a bunch of professors who imagine that incoming students are still marginally literate. They haven't taught an undergraduate class since 1978, and so have no idea that most of you couldn't read the instructions on dental floss without moving your lips and sounding out some words.
    5. The floors are covered with viscera and run with the red hot magma of hell. Yes, wear flip-flops, if you dare.

  3. 1. The number one thing that separates freshmen from upperclasspeople is that freshmen look like they care that they might look like a freshman. Stop caring so much that you might look like a freshman. Problem solved.

    2. That depends. I don't even know what you look like. Do you have a dog? Send me a photo of the dog.

    3a. You know what? I don't actually know. Our cafeteria is run by a nutritionist who actually gives more of a shit about your health than about extracting maximum cash from your pocket. The cafe food competes with the off-campus chains by being cheaper and better-tasting. Your new university makes just enough from the cafe to pay for utilities and maintenance on the building that houses it.

    3b. Do you have Google Maps on your computer? Consider it your first research assignment to learn how to use it.

    4. No. You don't "have" to do anything, but that won't relieve you of the direct relationship between what you get out and what you put in. And if what you get out is a bunch of Fs, that's OK, we'll do fine: we get >5 good applications for every student we enroll.

    5. The floors are generally beneath your feet. For some of the heavier drinkers, who may not have made it to the bathroom before commencing emesis (look it up), the floors are beneath their faces. Flip-flops are appropriate footwear within your bed. You'll need steel-toed workboots to kick your way through the flaccid meatbags you'll encounter between your bed and the dorm's exit.

  4. 1. Not caring whether you look like a freshman (or sophomore, or junior, or even senior, i.e. not thinking that you're supposed to appear to know things that in fact you're here to learn) is one of the keys to success in college. So stop worrying and enjoy being a freshman (and a long way away from having to apply to grad school, jobs, etc.). Try something hard (intellectually, socially, extracurricularly), don't completely succeed, and don't worry about it. It's all part of the process.

  5. 1. a) Do not wear anything affiliated with your high school or the college you are attending.
    b) Figure out ahead of time where your classes are. Do not look at a map; walk with purpose.
    c) If you are taking an activity PHED class, tennis being the stereotypical example, do NOT take your equipment to class the first day.
    Note: These suggestions will prevent you from looking like a freshman, not acting like one.

    2. No.

    3. No. Both Freebirds and Chipolte have established a presence here and both are superior to Moe's in their own way.

    4. No. It's "common" like "Common Knowledge." Everyone already knows it.

    5. BYO floor covering is your best option.