I. Teaching (please offer quantitive evidence of effectiveness):
I taught a 3:3 load. My course caps were increased on all my non major courses, but that's okay, because I managed to scare away enough students early on that it evened out. I caught two plagiarists, made three people cry, had six pens and one book borrowed and never returned, and wrote something like "'in which' is not a fancy way of saying 'which'" at least a dozen times. I corrected over two hundred apostrophe errors, and about as many comma splices. I graded about ten papers while drunk, and came to work hung over twice (once, I think I was probably still drunk from the night before). If anyone learned, they did it by accident, and certainly not by their efforts or mine.
I served on the senate, where our perfectly idiotic provost lied to me twice a month and I had to pretend to accept it. I served on a hiring committee run by a lawyer who thought we needed not only to read but respond in writing to every single application. I served on the general education committee, which did all we could to prevent anyone from receiving an education, general or otherwise. I saw a piece of litter and picked it up. Every so often, I wore really sexy underwear to work, just, you know, 'cause.
I published nothing. Well. Nothing that "counts." Breaks my heart. Even if I did, you wouldn't know shit about it. My research is so obscure that I find I can just mutter about it in the elevator, and people think I'm doing something. I will continue to mutter about my research myself as I walk across campus. I'm either a genius or insane. Tenured, so it must be genius. I did make one useful discovery: I got this great recipe for asparagus soup. That smell in the bathrooms? That's me. I did that. I should put that under service. I attended a conference in California, where all my efforts to hire a prostitute failed. I will try harder next year.
Conclusion: My contribution to this university is as follows:
- I offend students, so that they have to quit thinking in cliches for a couple seconds.
- I use my tenure to point out administrators' lies.
- I research something no one else gives a shit about, because I do give a shit about it, and if I don't publish enough on it, you can bite me. It's not ready yet, and I'm not going to fake it.
For my efforts, I have a permanent twitch, periodic migraines, a new mysterious pain in my stomach, and health insurance that covers my weekly therapy with a $20 copay.
- from an unknown sender