FERPA as a Snow Plow

It snowed today.  I had lots of material to cover, and they new that.

Snowflake 1:  Can we use class time to discuss my grade?
Me:  No.
Snowflake 1:  But why?!! 
Me:  Sorry!  FERPA violation.  I can't discuss it during class, as I would be violating your privacy rights.
Snowflake 1:  But I'm giving you permission to!
Me:  Sorry!  Doesn't matter!
Another snowflake:  Excuse me!  He's just trying to get you to answer a question.
Me:  And I did.  Questions about personal issues like grades are to be answered after class or during office hours.
<Snowflake 1 storms out of class with his cohort.>

Snowflake 2:  Can we discuss my caring disability right now, in class?
Me:  No.  FERPA violation.
Snowflake 2:  But I'm really having trouble caring today!
Me:  I am too! 
<Snowflake 2 leaves classroom.>

During office hours, the only person to stop by was another colleague who told me that the entire Administration building was laughing their a--ses off over the students who stopped by to complain to FERPA.

Thank you FERPA for helping me manage my classroom on snow days!

**UPDATED*** A student earns their moniker

The continuing saga of Physicist Phuckhead

Like most potentially troublesome students, I had thought that Mr. Phuckhead would blend in with the rest of hoarde and eventually stop showing up. I was wrong.

He's been a constant low level irritant with the snide comments and other passive aggressive bullshit, but not as bad as I was expecting. He must have been saving up.

Tonight he shows up to my evening office hours, which are held in the dining commons of a freshman dorm.
I'm sitting across the table from two girls, Stressed Sophie and On-task Orla. We had been talking class content and how to manage time and stress during exams.

This is the "conversation" as best as I can remember it.

Physicist Phuckhead: These are the weirdest office hours.
Me, Stressed Sophie, and On-task Orla: .........
PP, looming above the table: What are you working on?
OO: basket copying
PP: The easy stuff or the hard stuff?
OO: Well, the...
PP: I guess it's all easy. (rounds on Stressed Sophie) What are you working on?
SS: Having enough time on the test.
PP: That's literally the only thing I've never had trouble with on tests. I've had trouble with finishing too quickly and not copying off my neighbor but that's about it.
-OO and I try to get back on task.-
OO: So this fold of the reed here, is that near the pointy end?
PP: You don't know that?
OO (bless her): I came to office hours to get help.
PP: What? You should only go to office hours where you already know everything that way you get to feel smug. You can't buy that kind of smug. Well I guess you can, however much I pay in tuition buys this smug feeling.
Me: However much that is I don't see enough of it.
PP: Oh, uh...
PP: walks away

Q:Into which orifice should I shove his testicles? How should I address this since he bailed precisely when his behavior became intolerable?

UPDATE!
I pulled him aside after class.

Me: Your behavior last night was completely inappropriate. You came to office hours only to belittle the other students, and that is not ok.
PP: Understood.
Me: If you want to come to learn or to help others learn, that's ok, but if you are only coming to stroke your own ego, then don't come.
PP: Understood.

So, we'll see where this goes. His deadpan response to being called on the carpet is way more creepy than if he'd continued the massive narcissist routine.

It Is I Yaro, Suddenly Emergent In Today's Society With My iPod!

At my college, the students invariably carry with them a weaponry of electronics, cellular phones and portable laptop computers, even iPads which some of my students take notes on during class - a practice that I approve of, as it at least shows up quite brightly on the screens, and I can verify that they are not on the face book.

But I'm not keen on all that go with the devices, chief among them their cellular phone ring tones. Those are always not rings at all, of course, but a portion of a modern song. I find myself once a week or so asking them to please silence the devices, to mute them upon entering class, and to utilize the device's vibrate feature for the duration of class.

But at times the music comes through, and my young charges are nearly always apologetic. I've stopped making a fuss over the momentary intrusion.

On the contrary. A few weeks ago a song came on that I found I enjoyed quite a bit. The student scrambled through his pockets to find the device, but by that time I was already humming along to a tune that I later found out was by the Bruno Mars, entitled "Grenade." The relevant passage that I heard was: "I would catch a grenade for you. I would put my hand on the blade for you. I would jump in front of a train for you." It was actually a rather fervent and sincere protestation of love, and I, Yaro, am nothing if not one who values love.

So I made a remark that if all the ring tones in class were tuned to the Bruno Mars that I would let them leave their phones on during class. They of course knew this was hyperbole, but it brought us all a chuckle nonetheless.

The result, however, of my brush with the modern music revealed itself this morning, as a handful of my students presented me with a shiny and delightful (used, of course) 8 gigabyte iPod Touch, filled with songs that they imagined I might look favorably on. Of course the Bruno Mars is on there, and countless other groups and solo performers, all with 3-5 songs of their catalogs.

It was a very kind gesture on the part of my students. They even provided a new pair of the ear buds, so that I now have the appearance of a younger man, what with the white cords falling casually over my belly to the gleaming silver device in my pocket. I am sure I am the talk of the faculty lounge.

At this moment I am enjoying a delightful song by the Fergie that I like very much.