Wednesday, July 28, 2010

But some of the beer was alcohol-free!

I have so enjoyed the comments on "99 bottles". EnglishDoc and The_Myth wanted updates, so here you go:

I had Prof. Beer come to the dean's office this afternoon to gather his bottles. The secretaries were in an uproar as another professor was caught stashing water bottles in our fridge. His excuse was: But Prof. Beer used it last week! The secretaries even called the janitor Head of Grounds and Buildings and had him check who is officially allowed to use the kitchen: just us, the computer says. So why are their fancy keys working?

Anyway, when Prof. Beer showed up I ushered him in, and got the case out of my locked closet. "Well," he said. "Just leave it, I don't need it any more." Now that was a fun move! "Oh no, I couldn't keep it here. We do have a non-alcohol policy, you know." "But half of it is alcohol-free!"

Now, even Wikipedia knows that there is still a trace of alcohol in "alcohol-free beer". And I want this thing out. Of. My. Office. Now. "But what can I do with it?" he moans. Uh, take it back for a refund? Take it home? Lug it over to the Chemistry department? Maybe they could use it for some lab having students determine the alcohol level in liquid or whatever they do to torture students over there.

And he thought I was accusing him of leaving dirty dishes in the sink. Oh no, do read my letter more closely. I had expressed surprise that others had keys that worked in our kitchen and noted that this explained the dirty dishes. I asked why they didn't use their faculty kitchen. "Oh, that's one floor up. And our key doesn't fit. Since our keys fit here, we figured we could use it."

I wished him a nice week, saw him and his case to the door, and blasted off a missive on the Use of the Kitchens and requested clarifications. Other Dean has now told me how they organize their kitchen: All professors are able to use the kitchen if they sign up to have their name put on the roster for kitchen duty (cleaning up dirty cups, emptying the dishwasher, wiping the counter). No professor has yet applied. I like this!


  1. Waitaminit! You never mentioned dirty dishes in your last did you mention it in your e-mail response to Dr. Beer and/or to Other Dean?

    If not, then I think you now know who's leaving their crud in your sink too!

    Oh, and you all should start drinking that "free" water in your fridge too. Or just taking it home 2 bottles at a time.

    This is so insane it could ONLY happen on a college campus.

    P.S. I have an off-topic idea: Make Dr. Curtains work for new drapes by washing dishes in the kitchen!

  2. I can understand a school might ban alcohol in its teaching/research buildings, although I don't approve of such a policy. What all schools need is a ban on non-alcoholic beer. That stuff is just disgusting.


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