This is what my life has devolved into: dorky, alliteratively-titled blog posts. *sigh* I coulda been a contender....for what, I don't know. Maybe a 48-hours psych hold? Either that, or "pure science" research..none of that namby-pamby clinically-applicable crap here, mofos!
Time for some catharsis (or a haldol injection - I can never tell which works best...). So I'm goin' old skool:
-Non-trad Nancy: Honey, I'm a non-trad, too. I feel your pain - juggling school and work and kids and apprently-psychotic-ex-husbands. But a rule is a rule - the prof laid them down - I'm just The Enforcer. So, you're SOL. I know, I know. Family court judges are self-centered little assholes who won't change court dates for an "into bio lab." That doesn't change the fact that Rule #1 = miss more than 1 lab, you fail the whole class. Seriously, I can't listen to you cry anymore. Go talk to the prof or the chair or the dean. They've all made it abundantly obvious that I am at the bottom of the food chain, and I'm sick of smelling like their piss & getting calls from HR about staring at their asses (It's just their effing wallets! Elphaba here is envious of their bank!). Here, let me give you their home numbers...and where they golf weekends...oh, and specifically ask for Dead Silverback (he can't take "female sadness" - read, tears). If you talk to Dean Cool Chica, she'll just tell you to change your tampon (god I love that woman!).
-Fucktard Francine: It is now my mission in life to ensire that you NEVER enter nursing school. Either you are the dumbest person alive (although, answering that the "jugular vein" is part of the kidney on a lab practical really made my day! *snark!*) and will never survive nursing school, or you are an "angel of mercy" practicing the many ways you'll fuck-up-on-purpose to save poor Mr. Johnson the misery of wearing a diaper til he dies. Either way, you are a danger to society even withOUT an ADN/RN degree. I've started researching untraceable chemical poisons...Just. For. You.
-Hippie with Absurdly Yuppie Name: So, I've gathered that you're using your college education to "stick it to the man!" (namely, your redonkulousy rich father, who you incidentally don't mind mooching the fuck off of). Well, welcome to reality - you are now my bitch and I will own your ass and teach you humility in 9 weeks flat (the length of the summer term). Daddy can't buy or intimidate me into turning your 45-average (!!!!) solid F into a passable D. Although, I am certainly not above using him for a couple high-class, free meals. But, if his BO is anywhere near yours (or if he's also a "cool" white guy vainly trying to rocky some repulsively nacky dreads), he won't even make it onto the ballfield, let alone anywhere near a base...
-Darlin' Deidre: Wahoo! You got into med school!!! Seriously, you are the 1st student I've worked with who actually deserves that damn white coat. Rock it, girlfriend! Oh, and you *so* totally aced my class that I'm redacting your name to show YuppieHippie's dad (& future students) how it's done. Don't forget our deal: I give you great references forevermore, and you make sure I never set foot in the office of a Quack.
-New Dept. Secretary - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Did you acutally graduate with a BS in Biology, because if so, I need to know the name of the school so (a) I can avoid any possible (yet unlikely) job offers there and (b) I can put it on my "blacklist" of schools from which we do not EVER hire in the future. Shit, woman, you can't collate 14 tests, but you think you're an expert in tuna migration? Wait - epiphany! - you're an alien from Zeegeeack!!
-Lab-coordinator Luc - I love you to death - I want to hug you and squeeze you and call you "Head of the Dept." Buy you've had a couple....er....incidents this term involved yelling, cussing, and beating a lab table with a plastic bottle of Eosin stain (which was both messy and, thank the gods, done only in my presence). Um, please let me recommend a good therapist, cause you are smart as a whip, yet in danger of pissing some politically influencial PhD's off. Seriously, I'll give you one of my ferrets if you take a valium...
*sigh* just 2 weeks til Fall term begins. I have GOT to adjust my meds....