More Fuckwittery from the Bookstore

I received this yesterday from our bookstore. I have inserted my translations.

We are once again asking for your help in supporting our Departmental
Rewards Program to help lower the overall cost of textbooks to students
while financially compensating departments that fully participate in it.
This program is funded through the bookstore's annual donation to its
Endowment for Excellence that also provides need based scholarships and
helps augment faculty salaries.

We, The Great And Powerful Bookstore, have a program that can make money for your impoverished department, like the Campbell's Boxtops for Education program. We also give money to a program that pays you poor shits a little bit more than the loaf of bread and pint of porter per day you would otherwise earn so you should help us out.

All we ask is that faculty teaching undergraduate classes turn in their
class orders by our Spring Semester deadline of November 15 2010.

Our demand is simple: Your soul. Or the Precious. Whichever.

The department will receive a stipend if the bookstore receives all of its
orders on time. Its amount will depend on the number of undergraduate
classes using course materials that a department offers each semester as
listed in the university's course directory.

Bigger departments, we are looking at you. Freshman Comp, you fucktards, get your act together! (I taught Freshman Comp, I am a fucktard.)

Departments whose orders are placed by our deadlines for an entire year will receive a bonus. If you don't require any texts, please let us know that as well, so that we may let students know.

We need to know because the dim-witted flakes will completely ignore whatever you tell them in class and will, instead, batter our storm-tossed doors, wretched refuse, teaming shores...what? I mean tell us if you are screwing us out of sales. Thanks!

If you have already submitted your order, we thank you.

We know where you live.

While the bookstore has already introduced many cost-saving options for our
students (rentals, e-books, guaranteed buyback, older editions) timely
ordering of textbooks will have the greatest impact. It allows us to offer
students the best price when they sell their used books back to us at the
end of the semester. It also gives us the time necessary to procure
additional used books from our distributors and ensures that virtually all
course books will be available for our students when classes begin. Because
the bookstore will be able to reduce the labor costs directly associated
with late orders, we will have the means to increase the number of
titles that we rent. Finally, the earlier we receive orders, the greater the
opportunity to procure faculty requested older editions at substantial
savings to students.

We need to do everything in our power to keep the flakes buying from us, please help.

CONGRATULATIONS to the following departments who earned stipends for Fall
2010: [Basket Weaving, Star Gazing, Navel Gazing, Bean Counting, and Mouse Mazing].