Sunday, November 21, 2010

Adminiflakes Are People, Too!

Dear Dr. Dipstick,

How nice it was to see you Wednesday! Even though you are head of Student Comfort Levels at LD3C and this ongoing committee is dedicated to the improvement of Student Comfort Levels at LD3C, it sure was nice of you to attend the meeting for the first time this semester–for the first time, in fact, since our little endeavor began last March–especially since we've been meeting weekly to improve your specific area since the third week of the semester.

It was especially nice of you to display your adminiflake credentials so openly. I think one of the very best parts of Wednesday's meeting–which was lengthened by a good 45 minutes because of your attendance–was when you said, without any sense of shame, "Can we go over this new widget numbering system, because I've missed a few meetings."

Why, yes! Yes we can go over the new widget numbering system! And, why, yes – you have missed a few meetings, somewhere in the realm of 15 meetings! And, why, yes, yes, of course we're happy to accommodate you, to teach you everything we've been teaching each other since last March! How considerate of you to model flake behavior, as befitting the area of campus over which you flakely lord!

Another really special moment in the meeting was the discussion of writing classes, an area that I and a few of my colleagues in attendance know something about. It was really special, for example, to hear your derisive snort when the faculty in the meeting–faculty from all disciplines, including the sciences and maths–insisted that a certain level of writing proficiency is necessary for success in every college class.

Even more special was your comment about the "writing" classes that are offered in your branch o' campus, under the guise of student preparation rather than writing: "Writing is just editing anyway." Your satisfied smile after uttering this special and insightful observation was the extra-special icing on the extra-special cake! That you mistook our collective stunned silence for approval was what made my Wednesday complete.

Thank you, too, for suggesting that we meet next Wednesday afternoon, the day before Thanksgiving! It was kind of you to share that you are free that afternoon as your wife does all of the preparation for your big holiday family gathering. The rest of us who are not so lucky to be married to Mrs. Dr. Dipstick really appreciate what will undoubtedly be an extra two hours tacked on to the end of our day, the day before a major holiday and the only one we get off between Labor Day and Christmas–two hours because you'll be attending. Allegedly.

O, Dr. Dipstick! Thank you so very, very, very much!

Hugs and kisses,


  1. Let me guess: Dr. Dipstick makes a six-figure salary? All you need now is for the time for the Wednesday-before-Thanksgiving meeting to arrive, and he's not there. If that happens, remember that a riot is an ugly thing, so I suggest you HAVE one! ;-)/2

    Seriously: if he blows off this meeting, use the meeting to write a formal letter of complaint to the Provost of the university, or whoever supervises this admin-flake.

  2. P.S. In your formal letter of complaint, show the parallels between Dr. Dipstick's professionalism and that of the average snowflake, it's not flattering. University administration of course fear nothing more than a mass uprising, so this may work.

  3. [phone dial tone noises]

    Thank you for dialing Strelni-Phone, your telephonic torture aid! Your subject today is Dr. Dipstick.

    If you want Dr. Dipstick beaten with an iron rod, dial Number One!

    If you want Dr. Dipstick waterboarded in his own bathtub, dial Number Two!

    If you want Dr. Dipstick beaten mightily with a lead weighted pool cue, dial Number Three!

    If you want to pussy out and only let him get food poisoning from his turkey, dial Number Four!

    [push button phone noise]

    Thank you for using Strelni-Phone, Russia's first choice for choosing torture telephonically!

    [Click, then dial tone]

  4. How sad that you will be ill yourself next Wednesday, and unable to attend.

    I mean it. Do not let this moron waste one more second of your time.

  5. I second Merely Academic. What can he really say if you miss one? Or take a vote by e-mail with quorum and reschedule the damn thing. Don't let this megalomaniac get his way.

    @Strelnikov I would like a #2 with unflushed toilet option. Could I have fries with that?


  6. Don't know how many are on your committee but if each of your collective absences for that day adds up to the same number of his absences or fewer, you are golden. You can just leave him flapping his lips alone in a room, while still pointing out to any higher ups that he has more absences than the rest of you put together.

  7. I have a close relative of this adminiflake. This particular gentleman was miffed when no one wanted him to be on the Stapler vs. Paperclip Committee, so he went to his academic department, made a big stink about how higher-level adminiflakes were trying to keep him down, and turned his departmental attack dogs on the upper echelon. They relented and put him on the committee. Oh, how powerful and macho he was to get the Old Biddy Mafia to stand up to his bosses for him!

    As soon as he got his coveted seat, he attended exactly one meeting, which he slept through. No one has seen him since. He's much too busy trying to get on some other committee he sees as making him appear influential. We don't miss him one bit, but we hate that he's taking up a slot where we could've had someone who would actually help us with our work.

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  9. So is the "Old Biddy Mafia" anything like Austin's "Ol' Bitty Show"?

    Seriously, these guys sound like the Pointy Haired Boss in Dilbert; the vibe of helpless cluelessness pours off the screen. I agree with everybody else in the case of Great Lakes Greta; don't show up.

  10. Once I learned how to cook, my mum (an elementary school teacher) got a migraine every year before Thanksgiving, and another one right before Christmas. I cooked dinner for those major holidays roughly from the time I was nine forward. (Yes, I usually had help moving the turkey, but other than that, it was all me, plus I was tall so reaching the stove wasn't too hard.)

    I think you might have a migraine on Wednesday. Even men get them now, I hear...they used to strictly be the purview of 'hysterical' women. They're so COMMON right before the holidays.

  11. I wish I could be there for you Greta. I would stop you from going to campus that day and buy you a nice cinammon roll. We'd even go for pedis.

    Then I'd call Dr. Dipstick and say: "I'm Greta's holistic healer. She needed a mental health intervention today. I trust you leaned on someone else to understand what you should already know."


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