I have this student whose current family situation most likely warrants alternative consideration. I'd say on the Drama Scale (of 1-10, where 6 justifies an alternative consideration, extension, make-up assignment, incomplete etc.), her reality is somewhere between a 7 and a 7.5. But she's so used to exaggeration that she's feeding me a good 9.8 story. It's hard to sort out the details, but I've seen documentation for 6 points worth of drama, which I believe is sufficient for alternative arrangements. So I'm offering her an incomplete. But I'm wondering what other people do when they suspect there's enough, but the story is gratuitously wild.
Q: Does anyone else empathize with the reality of a compulsive exaggerator's situation despite the fact that they tell a story much wilder than the facts? Or should I be telling her "F*** off, liar." even though something is actually going on?
A: comment
PS: I hear Elvis Costello when they do this to me "Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking
when I hear the silly things that you say." So hum that to yourself while you type
I would not underestimate the possible bizarre nature of someone elses situation. I have a family situation that could make the plot of a William Faulkner novel. When my siblings and I were in undergrad school we could prove some of that to financial aid represenatives but would have others decide that we must be lying because no one's life could be that crazy.
ReplyDeleteSome crazy you just can not document.
Ahem... Leslie K said this was to be called the "Big Thirsty," not just the "Thirsty." Let's follow the guidelines. I don't want to have to send a note to the Dean of Students about you. I wish you people would read the syllabus. Have you spent the entire semester sleeping?
ReplyDelete8-)
Now, seriously... give the student the extension if that's what she wants. You're not doing her any favors, though. My experience is that a student who gets an incomplete has about a 97% chance of not actually finishing the work. You're certainly not telling her you'll make the assignments easier for her; you're just telling her that you'll let her spend a few more months in agony. The assignments won't get any easier. And she won't have the luxury of having the proffie pester her to finish. She'll be all alone.
ReplyDeleteIf you really care about her, why don't you have a heart-to-heart talk with her? Say what you said here (essentially), but be tactful and compassionate. Don't seek confirmation from her because you don't want to give her the opportunity to deny what you said. Just state the facts as you see them. Then ask her if she'd like for you to help her create a detailed schedule for finishing all her work in a reasonable time. But don't push her, because then she'll just go apeshit crazy with more irrationality and plausible lies. Just say, "Here's the situation as I see it. I can offer this and that. Is there something else that would help?" Offer to help. Mean it.
That can take 60 minutes of your time. And, jesus h, that is a hell of a lot of time at the end of the semester. So the question really is whether or not you give a damn about this kid. If you do, then offer to help her; don't just give her the incomplete. She's just asking for a straight incomplete because she doesn't know what to do.
If you don't give a damn about her, then just politely give her the incomplete. Fuck her, the damned stupid idiot.
You're either on her side, or you're not. Go with your gut. Know your boundaries beforehand. Good luck.
Oh, this question of whether or not she's a liar: It's extraneous. Yes, she is. Of course. So what. All the students are liars. Don't let that get in the way of your being a good teacher if that's what you want to be.
ReplyDeleteNew England - I should have mentioned that I caught her in multiple contradictions (I caught her in my head, that is, I didn't bother to say anything to her because I suspect there is some truth at the bottom of pile).
ReplyDeleteSouthern Bubba - I plan to offer her an incomplete. I'm just curious why someone with a bonafide "situation" is compelled to embellish. Does she think her situation is trivial and needs to beef it up? Does she think I'm a heartless bitch so she needs to beef it up? Or is it just a habit because you have to beef up "I spilled coffee on my lap in the car because I was texting and drinking coffee while I drove, so I went home to change and decided not to come back.", so you forget that you don't have to beef up "My step brother went off his meds and threw my mother's dog off the balcony on Thanksgiving, so my step father was too busy last week trying to get him committed to drive me back from Chicago."? After the dog goes off the balcony, the supposed flu and cheating boyfriend don't really add much, and I wonder how you can be at a bar where your boyfriend is plying another woman with drinks while you have the flu. [Specifics swapped out for anonymity.]
Sometimes, a home life is so bizarre and awful, that, in an attempt to make it comprehensible for others, one ends up contradicting oneself. Plus, if her family life is really bad, she may well be used to having to lie. Alternatively, young people are often prone to drama. Whatever. If she can prove enough of it, let it go.
ReplyDeleteI think it always depends on the student and the student's history. I tend to have a lot more sympathy for the ones who don't freak me out with extraneous detail, though. This semester I had one who missed a class because she fainted, and then had a bunch of medical tests. She asked for an extension on one essay because she said "I got some more bad news from the doctor". Of course, in her favour was the fact that she came to class, and did her work, and was generally pleasant to deal with.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, the guy who has been telling my colleague that his essay was late because he had a "paranormal experience" is providing a lot of entertainment. Was he probed? Can he get a note from the ghost?
@ Issyvoo and New England Natalie, I agree that her life may be gothic; just today a student I've known for over a year told me about her incredible but true situation (not for a grade exception).
ReplyDelete@ Southern Bubba, "know your boundaries beforehand" is fantastic advice. All new proffies need to remember that in order to not feel guilty for taking steps to save their own sanity.
@ Wombat, another few things might apply here:
1. Often, these students are not great with the nuances of language, right? So when she says one thing, you may hear something else and not the meaning she was faultily trying to convey.
2. Does she talk very quickly? I used to do that, so as not to take up people's time. So I'd summarize broadly the first time, and then if they asked me questions, I sometimes had to backtrack and then the details sounded contradictory. I'd get more nervous and say the wrong word, and , well, see # 1. How I envied confident, calm people who were fluent the first time.
(The remedy was moving 4,000 miles away from my mother and getting years of therapy.)
3. Young people are immature. Sounds obvious, but recent neurobiology shows that they really don't have the mature networks in the prefrontal cortex that adults (over about 25) have. Translation: most of our students are still -- physiologically -- learning how to delay gratification and plan ahead. They're still ruled largely by emotions and urges. Why would she go to a bar with the "flu"? She's a kid! (Yes, I know, if it really were influenza, she'd be prostrate.)
Sooooo, my ex-sister-in-law put the cat in the microwave, I have a rare form of ADD that requires shock therapy, and my mother's a hoarder and hasn't been seen for weeks...can I turn my grades in late?
ReplyDeleteI'm with Bubba on this one. Decide what you're going to do for any similar situation regardless of the "story" and guage your involvement on what you're willing to do for this particular student.
The veracity of the weirdness should factor less than whether or not the student meets whatever benchmark is necessary for an incomplete. Our students have to have completed a high% of tha class, be passing at the time of the calamity, and the calamity is only relevant if it happens at the end of the semester so that the student is "vested" in the class and has already demonstrated a work ethic. We can cite this objective criteria to deny requests that are not legit.
Prof and Circumstance, did you thought I was letting such students off the hook? No, I was just answering Wombat's queries: "Does anyone else empathize with the reality of a compulsive exaggerator's situation...?" and "I'm just curious why someone with a bonafide 'situation' is compelled to embellish."
ReplyDeleteI do empathize with anxious fast-talkers whose stories don't add up for the reasons I stated. I listen to their stories if it's an office hour and if another student isn't waiting (my boundaries). I try to listen kindly and offer tissues. And then I calmly explain those objective criteria you listed and lay out the math, their missed assignments, and so forth.
@Wombat, the Elvis Costello lyric I try to keep in my head is "I used to be disgusted, and now I try to be amused."