Dear Mr. Wonderful

Oh how I've missed you these past three months.  NOT!!!

You're an arrogant over blown disappointment and the tortoises past you so long ago; I'm really surprised you haven't figured out that you have to fucking run now.  You're going to miss the bus and you're such a dick, no one is going to hold it for you.

I know you were the shit in 7th grade and I know the confidence that gave you let you autodidactically get through the next 6 years without ever having to lower yourself to listening to another person.  But apparently your potential for self learning stops at second semester freshmen because you are no longer the shit.  You are in fact quite useless in the lab.  And you can't even remember easy stuff from gen. chem. 

I know you can fool people just by acting confident.  And I know stupid old people aren't supposed to see through your wannabe Jedi act.  And I know a lot of us don't and that's how Wonder Boy made it through the rest of gen. chem. and organic with As even though you're B material.  You sold it - they bought it - no one noticed that you're a fraud... until me. 

You're B at best.  The things I saw you do in the lab were totally laughable.  My non-majors at community college are more competent in the lab than you are.  Your use of an autopipet was understandably flawed, but when I tried to show you the right way, you scoffed "I never heard that before." and laughed with that asinine shit eating grin and kept doing it wrong.  And the best part - when your data doesn't look like a graph out of a textbook... you complain that the reagents were old or the instructions were poor or that the lab tech and I somehow got something wrong - every time.  Never mind that I did the same titrations in front of your face five times in a row.  You just grinned that fucking grin at me and insisted your failures were my fault.  It was never your fault (even after you chose to use the autopipet incorrectly, even after you consistently chose the strongest reagents every time but could never do your reactions slowly enough to collect the information you needed...).  What's worse is that even when your data was actually right, you were too dumb to realize it.  90% of general chemistry is based on unattainable idealizations and when you can't attain them, you shit your pants.  You're a fucking twit if you didn't get that that was the entire point of the final project. 

I was so disappointed when I calculated your grade at the end of the term and it was a god damned A-.  I need to work on my grading policy because clearly it is flawed.  Anyone as useless in the lab as you are has no business getting an A- in advanced chem.  But at least I took solace in knowing that it would eat you up because every idiot before me gave you an A. 

But now you've gone too far.  Just because you can't wrap your tiny little underwhelming head around half of gen. chem., doesn't mean that half is "Too hard."  "Useless"  "Stupid" "Pointless" "a waste of time" or "bullshit".  So if I ever catch you telling my students that in the tutoring center ever again, I'll have you fired, you stupid little shit.

PS people love to throw a smug little shit like you under the bus, so you should know that the speed of gossip relating to the down fall of smug little shits is twice as fast as the speed of any other form of gossip.  In other words, everyone knows you failed the P-chem midterm last week.  I'm jealous of your professor.  When he got to hand that back to you, he probably had to wear a cup, because believe me, the idea flunking you gives us all wet dreams. 

You could probably cure cancer if you weren't such a closed minded little douche bag.  And the only reason you can't open your mind is because you're a chicken shit and you don't want to be #2, so you have to stay inside your own head. 1 out of 1 is always #1.  Out here you're not even #2; you're like 10 at best.  Grow some balls and get out here and see where you really are so you can start accepting new knowledge and working your way back up there.  You're not dumb.  You're just cripplingly arrogant and you've burned your resources and having shit on everyone along the way, no one is going to be jumping to your rescue.  It's a real shame.  But boy is it going to be fun watching you wander the halls for the next 7 weeks hugging yourself and muttering things about how it used to be and whether or not you have to take the MCATs to work at McDonalds.  Should have paid a little more attention in Pchem, shit head.  Good luck with the rest of the semester.

PS Fuck you.