It's the day after the last day of semester, and I have spent my morning answering stupid emails from grade-grubbers trying to argue for 0.0001 of an extra point, complaining that their peers are assholes for giving them a C on their projects, and whining that I didn't mark work they never handed in.
Despite my baser instincts, I am replying politely and reasonably to all of these emails, even though the strain of doing so is causing me to grind my teeth and bite my fingernails into little stumps. Then, dear colleagues, I get an email from a dude who has already complained, argued, and nagged in half a dozen emails in the last week. He wants to know, and I quote, "how hard is the final going to be marked?"
I feel like indulging myself here, with the smackiest smackdown that ever smacked. It's a softball. How would you hit it out of the park?
Really hard now.
ReplyDeleteIs this going to be on the exam? It is now.
-Since there is no chance that you can pass, I will hardly be marking your final.
ReplyDelete-Harder than a diamond.
-I'm going to mark your final so hard, it'll make porn stars jealous.
-Dude, you're confusing quality and quantity. While I'll be marking your final as hard as I do all others, I'll be marking it more often. Remember, I've seen your previous work.
Not hard at all. It takes little effort to write "F".
ReplyDeleteSeven words:
ReplyDelete"You'll just have to wait and see."
"The difficulty of my marking scheme is a sliding scale. If you're an idiot who has done no work, I'll be marking really hard. If you're brilliant and you know the material down cold, I'll be marking really easy."
ReplyDeleteThese are all brilliant. I was stuck on the pr0ny response, but the mysterious non-answer has its charm.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete[Second try, without using angle brackets, which are interpreted as HTML tags]
ReplyDelete"I'm not going to answer that. However, if you are able to [ insert list of better than A-level achievements here ], that would be more than enough to do well."
"Why? Should I be marking the tests harder than I already am?"
ReplyDeleteor
"Somewhere between rubber mallet and high-carbon steel."
or
"Well, I won't be accepting wrong answers or bad writing, if that's what you mean."
This is fun!
I just wouldn't reply at all to this question. It's a non-question question, and there's no point to answering it.
ReplyDeleteI'd vote for a non-reply reply, as: "I can tell you're worried about the final--if you need to talk about your concerns please come by during my office hours."
Because "harder than you when you wake up in the morning" is probably inappropriate, I just wouldn't reply.
ReplyDeleteThis hard:
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