Thursday, November 17, 2011

Two new programs are revolutionizing academic writing…


Are you tired of writing correctly? Do you want your paper to read like an authentic college paper and not like it was written by somebody who actually finished high school? This handy freeware is compatible with all the most common word processing software. Download the program onto your computer. Then, when you’re done writing that essay or term paper, simply click on the desktop icon and the Wryte-Bot will

  • insert punctuation and capitalization at random throughout your text. The special apostrophe feature allows you to decide whether apostrophes will be used exclusively to indicate the plural or for randomly-selected possessives as well.
  • replace “than” with “then” and “you’re” with “your” and “throne” with “thrown” throughout
  • switch the tense of random sentences from past to present or present to past
  • switch random sentences to passive voice. This features includes the timeless double-whammy passive offensive: “Hitler decided to invade France” becomes “The decision was made by Hitler that France be invaded.”
  • change the margins, line-spacing, font styles and font sizes of random paragraphs

Revision that used to take you hours now handled automatically! The licensed version, which costs only $10 and a verified registration, will also make up a random citation system and use it for most of your paper’s citations. The rest of the citations will be automatically deleted. Time you used to spend turning your coherent, well-composed, properly-documented term paper into a complete mess can now be spent doing what you really want to do be doing – sitting in the library studying for the final exam.

The Wryte-Bot Deluxe ($30) does even more. It will take your original work and post it online at dozens of webpages under randomly-generated pseudonyms and submit your essay to several of the most popular essay-trading sites, almost guaranteeing that you will be busted big time for a slam-dunk case of plagiarism when you submit your essay under your real name in class.

Why do all the work yourself when Wryte-Bot can do it for you?


Originally created in Germany after decades of live trials, KlugScheisser software is now finally available for English publishing. It automatically converts any word you enter into a longer, more abstract word or even a new phrase which either sounds somewhat like the original word or shares some aspect of meaning with the original word. Students can use this program to lengthen their submissions up to the required minimum.

But this isn’t just about length! Enter in a sentence, and KlugScheisser will add words and phrases or change the voice in such a way as to make the sentence longer and harder to comprehend, but without necessarily adding meaning. In fact, it will usually erode the meaning of the sentence making it harder for the reader to spot any logical or factual error you may have made. Try this while writing your papers and you will come across as a real intellectual. Now, instead of, “The industrial revolution started in Britain the late 18th century,” a truly banal piece of information, the professor will now read real scholarship: “The beginnings of what is known as the industrial revolution are considered by some scholars to have had their origins in the King’s England late in the Age of the Enlightenment.” If the bastard doesn’t give an A for that, take it to the administration!

Professional academics can upgrade to KlugScheisser-Pro and use it to hide nonsense by numbing their readers and listeners with intellectual-sounding jargon. Mark your text and then select any of the 15 jargon categories from the drop-down menu. Choices include traditional categories such as “post-modernism” and “Marxism” as well as seven different “turns” such as “linguistic”, “spatial” and “visual.” New “turns” are available as free downloads each week as they come into fashion. Fun categories such as “add Foucault,” “conjure feminist Afro-centrism” or “Gender this, bitch!” will work wonders on otherwise straightforward but uninteresting humanities writing. Transform that trivial archive report, the re-visitation of the same old worn-out second century documents, or the Cliff-notes-level analysis of some vampire novel into a real journal article! Watch as KlugScheisser-Pro takes book reviews which simply summarize the content and churns them into verbal oatmeal disguised as cutting-edge analysis. You can even revive some of your publications from the 1970s and “turn” them according to the fashions of 2010 without doing any revision work youself except the addition of a few recent citations. Nobody will notice that you have nothing new to say.

Gone are the days of embarrassing clarity. Hide your banality with obscurantist drivel.

SPECIAL: For a limited time only, KlugScheisser-Pro will be sold with the Postcolonial and Subaltern Studies Utility Pack (a $20 value) at no extra charge!

Natural scientists will have to be patient. The expected publication in 2012 of the Jan Hendrik Random Data Generator for the creation of snazzy-looking data sets will be followed in 2013 by the Poly-Publicize Significator to help you and your team transform real but irrelevant data into yet another four-page paper with five scatter-diagrams and 17 authors.


  1. What in the world is happening? I can no longer get in to post. This is a joke, I hope.

  2. What a delightful new background--erm, I mean "back round"--Let's keep the hacker as our new moderator! Oh, please, Daddy, say we can keep him?!

  3. Wryte-bot also does blog design!
    I guess this is for the unnamed heroes of the real goddamned mail palaver...

  4. I am unable
    to log in
    as well.

    What madness
    is this,
    time will tell.

  5. I fucking love you people.

    With all my heart.

  6. Who needs Wryte-Bot and KlugScheisser when you can have this--it'll actually write papers that get you into (really disreputable) academic conferences!

  7. I want a KlugScheisser-Pro! Desperately! It is clear to me that all my colleagues already have it.

    This was wonderful.

  8. @Slave: it was funny then, and it's funny now. If they (whoever they are) had to pick something to re-post, they chose well.

    I didn't try to log on or post while the "trouble" message was up, so I'm not sure whether I could. I could read.

  9. One of my computer science students showed me the MIT paper-generator earlier this term (by producing a paper in my name, not his). It's actually not a bad tool for explaining the conventions of scholarly writing in the sciences.

    Yesterday, members of the same group decided to write a program that would generate a group report by taking one word from each of their individual reports, in turn. That didn't work so well (but they knew it didn't, and it took them about 5 minutes, after which they got back to work. All in all, I like working with computer scientists; now that it's no longer the "you'll always have a job major" into which parents talk students with no aptitude -- that's now nursing/health sciences -- the students who choose it seem to be enjoying themselves).

  10. Okay, sometimes my comments appear to repeat, sometimes they disappear. My comments here did both - they multiplied and then they disappeared. I'll try again.

    - I originally wrote this post about a year ago. It was formatted better back then, but the text is the same.

    - I did not repost it this time, nor did I write the original comment above, now deleted, about seizing the blog.

    - I am going to click on "Post Comment" once and only once and hope that the blog only posts it once. We'll see.

    I used to doubt people were being truthful when they said that their accounts had been hacked and they didn't do the posting, but now I've experienced it myself.

    I apologize if any of this mess is my fault.

  11. Magic. Now the format in the original blog post is better as well. I don't understand at all what is going on.

  12. @Slave: I believe you. I also believe that some habitual troublemakers (a category into which you definitely do not fall)are not above claiming that someone hijacked their account, just to turn the moderator's headache into a migraine. I don't know why such shenanigans give anyone pleasure, but clearly, in some cases, they do.

  13. AS, this was really funny, whether it's new or old.

    I originally thought that the blog was really hijacked, though in a relatively non-malicious way. I just didn't think the moderators were that goofy.

    I stand corrected.

    Of course, nothing can happen here that will make me think that it's anything but a prank. At least until my department head calls me into his office to discuss the inappropriate subject matter of some of "Beaker Ben's" posts.

  14. We figured something was up, but that's only because we remember this post from when it was first posted—and when we sent it to all of our associates/vassals. Sorry it had to happen this way, but we're glad to see it again.

  15. This post, was, considereted as one of my favourite's and is still Loved by me.


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