We've got it good. It's always hiring season down here at the adjunct trough...
Institution: Big Brick Univer$ity Corporation
Location: as if it matters
Rank: full-time contingent pay-to-teach
The English Department at Big Brick University Corporation invites applications for a full-time, contingent, pay-to-teach position in English to begin August 2012. Area of specialty within the field is irrelevant, since all our courses are standardized anyway. Teaching responsibilities include four sections of introductory and/or remedial English and writing and two sections of an upper division survey of British, American or colonial English literature per term, depending on enrollment totals as of the morning of the first day of class, a standard 6/6/6 load.
Candidates must have at least one Ph.D. in hand at the time of application, a rating of at least 4.0 at myteacheristhecoolest.com and no fewer than five years of adjunct teaching experience demonstrating commitment to excellence, student retention and shareholder value. Similarly qualified candidates are encouraged to apply, but probably shouldn't bother. We've got 50 people right here already lined up at the door, most of whom are adjuncts at both of the other two universities here in town.
All our teaching opportunities are compensated by a generous program of reverse remuneration. Each faculty member pays a $3,150 dollar stipend per course to the university for the privilege of interacting with our customers in addition to paying $500 per course on a case-by-case basis for contributing to the collaborative writing of curriculum-generating computer code for the CD-ROM that will teach your classes with your PhD as accreditation bait starting in the fall of 2015. If an instructor is awarded overload course assignments, these will be taught at no additional cost to the instructor. Our contingent faculty qualify to pay into our employee health care plan but may only draw benefits if they are fatally injured while teaching or also work for Big Brick in an administrative capacity.
BBUC is a non-selective, retention-focused, federal-student-loan-skimming, CEO-with-an-online-PhD-in-education-administration-and-a-BA-in-business-and-a-fraternity-tie-clip-run liberal arts university with no pretensions to research beyond the sprinkling of "faculty accomplishments" that we post on our marketing web pages.
In order to be considered, applications must include a check for the $50 application fee, notarized photocopies of all your PhDs, a letter explaining why you are going to dedicate your life to our university, including specific examples of personal and creative contributions that you can make to shareholder value, bubbly-positive student evaluation forms from at least five classes already taught, and the names, telephone numbers, and email addresses of three other failures from your grad school that we can include in our next contingent slavery recruitment drive. Review of applications will begin immediately and be over by Monday next. Big BUC is dedicated to the highest quality in undergraduate education and committed to diversity as a core institutional value. Preference will be given to the qualified candidate who can fill the most quotas at once. We already have two blacks, an Asian and a guy who is 1/64th Navajo on our staff, so we're looking for a handicapped lesbian Hispanic Jew if it can be arranged. The guy with tenure, the dean and all the board members are white, so we've got that covered.