Monday, June 25, 2012

At least they will graduate being good at something

Sorry for that it's been a long while since I posted here at CM.  Busy, busy, busy.  I am laying the groundwork for a whole new business model of higher education.  If you worried about becoming a whore to some education-corporation, don't worry.  Now it's the students' turn.

Here's the, um, flava

You may not think prostitution and academics are a good mix.  That's what they said about NCAA football too, and my idea doesn't even require a playoff system.  (Although...)

Schools provide employment as prostitutes to students in lieu of more college loans, or allowing students to pay off their loans.  The latter arrangement would only be available for those students or recent grads under 27 years old, unless the customer is one of those freaks that likes sex with old people.  No shit - you can actually find people like that on the internet.

The school provides safety and ease of payment for everybody and keeps a cut for themselves.  By providing a revenue stream that is independent of state taxes or alumni contributions, the school can lower tuition.

Just like in sports, very well qualified high school applicants can be given scholarships with the hope of making it big at the collegiate level before going pro.  The quality of a school's prostitutes can be a feature of campus recruiting.  Imagine the brochures and lip-dub videos.

Let me know how awesome an idea this is in the comments.


  1. You should propose this model to the UVA board. With any luck their heads will explode as they try to explain why this entrepreneurial, revenue-positive, risk-taking (and student-exploitative) idea isn't one they should adopt, especially given Mr. Jefferson's involvement with earlier forms of human trafficking.

    Or, at the very least, they'll get an idea of what a college president who actually deserved to be removed looks like.

    One possible fly in the ointment: it looks like moving this hitherto online model into a bricks-and-mortar environment might create an identifiable "bawdy house," and hence some legal problems.

    1. Yes! My first thought was "The UVa Board of Visitors would probably love this entrepreneurial innovation!" And the jab at "Mr. Jefferson's involvement with earlier forms of human trafficking" is brilliant. Bravo, Cassandra.

    2. Did you suggest that I might be university president material, even though one worth firing?

      NOW I feel dirty.

    3. Actually, Ben, I was thinking of Garcia. But if the UVA board doesn't reinstate Sullivan tomorrow, I'd happily support your candidacy for the job. However, I strongly suspect that you, like every sane academic in the United States, are too smart to touch the position with a hundred-foot pole. They'll either end up with a brave and self-sacrificing insider (basically the Gerald Ford of university presidents) or somebody too dumb, too narcissistic, or both to know better.

  2. Ben, it's good to see you.

    I once taught at a school that offered scholarships to majorettes--as in baton twirling. These majorettes did not perform with any marching band, and to the best of my knowledge, did not contribute anything to the culture of the college.

    At least your model provides for something useful.

  3. Somehow I don't think this is going to go over well with the parents, at least not as much as with the alumni...

    1. Well, at least they'll graduate with clear perspectives of gainful employment, which is these days the mantra at my school.

  4. I thought that function - making otherwise unemployed but attractive graduates productive in ethically dubious ways - was fulfilled by alumni relations, admissions, and student services hires. But maybe the Greek monopoly on those positions means new outlets are necessary.


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