Friday, July 27, 2012

I don't like students. Why would I want more of them in my class?

Allow me to provide some advice to you, a student trying to register for my general chemistry class which is already filled. You typically stop by my office at the worst possible time (e.g. while I’m in it). There are 10% more of you this fall than last year but the same number of classes offered. I shouldn’t hold that against you but I can. Sometimes I do.

First, if you are registered for any general chemistry class, even the one with a 4 pm lecture and 8 am lab with the crazy guy from Turkmenistan we just hired, consider yourself lucky that you have a class at all. You might not be able to understand what he says, but, um, well, I’m pretty sure that you won’t be able to understand what he says.

Now, I appreciate your efforts to help me by showing up with all four of your friends, asking that all of you be added to the same class, which is already over-filled. I can say, “No.” just once. Actually, you still bitch, beg and complain enough that I have to say it four times, but at least your group visit saves me from saying it four times to each of you. I may be an asshole but I’m an efficient one.

For all you sophomores who want to register two weeks before my freshman class starts, you really should know better. You had all spring to sign up when the classes were empty. Now you have your class conflicts and your work schedule conflicts and whatever other problems you kept talking about after I stopped listening. As I said before, we are at capacity. I don’t have any desire to add another student who doesn’t have her shit together.

By all means, bring your mom to our meeting so she can tell me what type of professor you need to get the most out of college. Let me guess, somebody who is talented and experienced in teaching and above all else, cares about the success of students? Hmm. I know all our faculty pretty well and I can assure that that you’ll be lucky to get two of the three.

Yes, you can stomp out of my office and go see my department head and the dean about this. Let me give you directions to their office. Do you think I’d be a hard ass if I didn’t think they had my back?

Above all else, please go away and return only when I’m under contract and actually being paid to deal with you.


  1. "Guy from Turkmenistan?"

    Ask him about the Ruhnama, the "book of guidance" "written" by Turkmenbashi, or how the "Leader of Turkmen" renamed the months after his family members.

    Turkmenistan: proof the breakup of the USSR was a bad idea.

  2. This:

    You typically stop by my office at the worst possible time (e.g. while I’m in it)

    made me laugh. Thanks, BB!

  3. Oh, Ben, dear, this is some of your best work!

  4. You typically stop by my office at the worst possible time (e.g. while I’m in it).

    Well, there might be a fundamental issue of science and observation involved here. Perhaps they're stopping by at all hours of the day and night. The only time you notice them is when you are there.


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