HAM 100 s09
Professor: Dr. S. Chiltepin
Office Hours: Fictional
Phone Number: Ha! Go ahead! Leave a message!
Description: Some crap I cut and pasted from the catalog. Hasn't been accurate for at least the ten years I've been here. Every two or three years, someone revises it, sends it through governance, and then the revision gets passed and never, ever shows up in the catalog.
Books: The same textbook I've been using for a decade. New edition, though: they updated some pictures and changed all the page numbers, so you have to buy a brand new copy. Then, if you do buy it, you probably won't read it anyway.
Assignments: Two papers, which will cause me considerable pain to read and grade. I will offer to go over drafts, and the three of you who submit drafts will probably get A's, because I will literally revise the paper for you. The rest of you will write it the night before it's due. Or just not write them at all. You certainly will not do the reading or research required. At least one person out of all my classes will plagiarize; statistically speaking, closer to 1 1/2. Do this early, so I can fail you and not have to grade your tests or other papers.
Tests: Four of them, easy to grade and a pain in the ass to write. You will not study, then take them and complain about every nearly-right answer. I really just give them because I like using my red pen.
Classroom Activities: I will write some bullshit about discussion, which at the time of writing I heartily believe. But in reality, by week three I will just lecture nonstop because it will become clear that you have not read the assignment, or if you have read it you are stuck at an 8th grade reading level.
- Do I really have to list that you shouldn't cut your toenails in class? Apparently, I really do.
- The next person who texts in class will have their i-Phone kicked up their nose.
- Please wear clothing, even if you regard yourself as "hot." I should not see any private hairy bits at all. I do not get paid enough for that.
- I believe that your electronic music and video devices will steal my soul, so in honor of my primitive religion please don't bring them to class.
- Don't sleep openly in class. It makes me jealous.
- Pajamas are not clothes.
- If you snap your fingers at me when I don't call on you, I will break off your thumbs and make you eat them.
- Other than thumbs, there will be no food or drink in class because you disgusting pigs can't apparently clean up after yourselves.
- The only reason I ask for your theological and political opinions is to systematically attack them; that's called education, and if you don't like it, get out.
I have to put this in because apparently the whole fucking world has gone ape-shit and invaded the ivory tower. In the event of an emergency, we will be notified by honking loud sirens they just installed and test rather more frequently than is strictly necessary, as well as text messages, phone calls, and the sounds of screaming and wailing in the halls. We are instructed to lock the doors and stay away from windows. You will note that the door has no lock, and the entire west wall of the classroom is a window. In the event of a real emergency, I will probably freak out and maybe cry because I'm a professor not a goddamned Navy Seal.
I've given up my entire life to this topic because I think it is the most fascinating thing in the world, and so full of sublime beauty that I can easily spend hours researching and writing on it and not even notice that time has passed. I also like young people for their passion, creativity, and ingenuity. So when you sit there, dull and bored and boring, and you roll your eyes at this thing that I love . . . It tends to make me a grumpy professor. And yet, a few of you will get it. You won't do as I've done and become professors of this subject (God forbid!) but you will get that learning is enjoyable and interesting and worth doing. I get maybe three to five of you a year, and you few, you happy few, make up for all the rest.