Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Here we see Beaker Ben completely losing his mind. As if this isn't bad enough, now he's all out of insults and curse words.

The left-aligned graphic
confirms that he's gone
completely ape-shit crazy.

You fucking morons.

You little fucking shits.

You can’t write a God damn lab report without copying word-for-motherfucking-word from another source but when I want you to simply define a term on the exam, you can’t remember one effing fact.

I’ve busted so many of you scumbags for plagiarism this semester that I suspect the rest of you probably did it too but the worthless lab instructors are too lazy to check Turn It In.

The worst of you assholes are the ones who plagiarize work that I don’t even require you to do.  You don’t need to write an introduction to your report.  Why?  Because last summer I was briefly in a good mood for a single afternoon and decided to make your life easier.  What the Hell do you do to repay my kindness?  You cut and paste a bunch of background information from Wikipedia.  Son of a bitch, I hate you.

Of course, every one of you pieces of shits needs to meet with me to discuss my unwarranted charge of plagiarism.  Surly, each of these innocent misunderstandings can be resolved by consuming thirty minutes of my afternoon.  Allow me to summarize the verdicts.

No, dick, you cannot put quotes around three paragraphs copied from your lab partner’s report, cite it and call it your discussion section.  I don’t give a damn if you didn’t know it was wrong.  Idiot.

I don’t give a rat’s ass if you are not fluent in English and copying other people’s writing is the only way you can string three sentences together that make any sense.  That doesn’t mean I don’t pity you and want to help you.  The douche bags in admissions probably figured that since you can only write four-word sentences that you must be the next Ernest Fucking Hemingway.  I hope this little incident reveals to you that you’ve been screwed.  There.  See?  I tried to help.

We now come to the last float of this turd parade.  You cannot copy a lab report that your girlfriend turned in last spring.  What’s that?  Oh, you actually wrote it for her.  It’s funny that you think that means you didn’t really cheat.  Not as funny as the look on your future ex-girlfriend’s stupid face when I tell her that I’m reevaluating her grade based on your statement.


  1. I’ve busted so many of you scumbags for plagiarism this semester that I suspect the rest of you probably did it too but the worthless lab instructors are too lazy to check Turn It In.

    That's the thing with TurnItIn - impressions and moods are contagious. I have caught fewer and fewer people over the past few years. Either cheating methods are getting better or the word is out that they'll get busted. Either way, busting fewer students has led to a more positive attitude about all students. When 30% of the class cheats, I hate them all, including the 70%. When it's only the occasional butt-head, I like them all except the butt-head and like my job more.

    1. That's what drives me over the edge. I spend most of my time with these losers. 90% of the students I talk with are the worst 5% of the whole group. It does affect your perspective.

  2. This rocked, Ben. I will reread for the catharitc burst of energy as needed.

  3. Fuckin' A! I needed this today! Essays are due today and this coming week. This helps preempt any angst I anticipate.

  4. Oh, come on. The Beaker is a very capable fellow. He'll never run out of insults and curse words.


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