Friday, March 29, 2013

Frankly Fake

Frank—we shared an office for a year.  You ignored me and six other adjuncts, no mean feat since we were pretty vocal over the crappy LMS the administration budgeted for.  We have also been trying to figure out how the president got a raise when enrollment dropped. 

Early on, we got it.  Frank’s special.  You commandeered prime real estate in the office, complete with locking file drawer.  You carry ten flash drives and strut with a pile of books like you own the world.  You’re busy-busy.  Too busy for us.  That's why we didn't invite you to the off-campus party. 

But since you found out I’m about to leave for Ph.D. school, you act like we’re best buds.  The nicknames---really?  The way you seek me out and talk to me in front of all the other adjuncts is bizarre.  And when I clearly have projects in process.  All you talk about is yourself---your Ivy League connections, and how it's time you get into a Ph.D. program too.  Wouldn’t that be great?  What do I think?

I think that frankly, Frank, this fakery is nauseating.  Go away.  I have research.  I have grading.  I have to contemplate my navel.  I have to do something (anything!) other than share air with you. 

13 comments:

  1. Frank thought he was the alpha, and you've threatened his rank, so now he's both grooming you and soliciting grooming. Aren't primates fun?

    Great rant with terrific graphic.

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    1. I love the graphic---especially with the white stuff on the shoulder!

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  2. It's terrifying how much lousy behaviour can be explained by primatologists.

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  3. [and of course I managed to make at least two typos/grammatical mistakes in the first version of this comment, and will probably leave at least one behind even in this revision. That's what happens to people who question others' language]

    What Proffie (and Merely) said. Also, Frank's a tool. On the other hand, learning to identify this primate subspecies early will serve you well as you pursue your Ph.D. ( and congratulations, by the way, on getting in! Since your'e reading -- and, if I'm remembering correctly, asked for some feedback -- here, I assume you have a realistic picture of what getting a Ph.D. may and may not lead to, and have made your decision accordingly. In any case, being accepted is a notable achievement.)

    Somewhat off-topic question (and please don't take this as a criticism, I'm genuinely curious, and also concerned that the effect on others might be the same as on me, so it seems worth bringing up): you mention getting into (and being headed to) "Ph.D. school." That phrase rings oddly in my ear; it sounds like the way someone who isn't very familiar with higher education might talk about what I know as -- and what you describe elsewhere as -- "a Ph.D. program." It's a small difference, but it seems like the sort of thing that might serve as a shibboleth. It also seems like the sort of thing that might grate on the ears of some professors (just as some professors object to being called a "teacher" -- which is an accurate description of at least part of what we do, but seems to erase the higher-ed/K-12 distinction in a way that bothers some Ph.D.s).

    Or maybe I'm full of it, and/or ignoring that this phrase is quite common in some regions and/or disciplines? I've certainly heard people talk about "my Ph.D. school" -- meaning the university from which they received their Ph.D., in contradistinction to the one(s) from which they received a B.A./A.B. and/or M.A. But I've only recently (and rarely) heard " got into Ph.D. school" or "I'm going to Ph.D. school," and somehow it just doesn't sound right to me.

    Anybody else want to weigh in? Does even noticing this make me just as bad as Frank?

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    1. Yes, I made my decision. I'm going, though I am going with a great deal of caution. I don't expect it to be perfect and know that there are some difficult personalities everywhere.

      Sorry, I did mean to use Ph.D. program throughout, but was editing and missed it.

      And trust me, you can't be as bad as Frank. You've always offered sound advice and perspective. Frank just grates on my nerves because it's so clear that he's feeling insecure because he goes on and on about past academic successes. I am so glad that the semester is more than half over. Frank will soon be a blur in my rear view mirror as I leave the state.

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    2. My friends and I use the phrase "Ph.D. school" ironically to mock those who think it's a separate school (usually non-academics who ask me things about "Ph.D. School" and mean it unironically). When around our medical doctor and dentists friends, we also sometimes use it to make fun of our own PhDs by talking about PhD school when they talk about "medical school." I've seen an upswing in its use and it doesn't bother me (given that I use it), but I always use it mockingly. :)

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    3. @Cynic: the "law school" and "med school" parallels occurred to me not long after I wrote the above (and they certainly don't have any K-12 overtones). And I can certainly imagine the ironic/mocking use, which is why I was a bit worried about the consequences of using the phrase. I wonder whether we're in a moment of linguistic change, which will ultimately result in a joking reference becoming a standard part of the lexicon?

      @Ancillary: it sounds like you're going into it with your eyes open, which is what matters. Now that you've steeled yourself for the (possible) worst, may it be far more enjoyable than you expect, and may it lead not only to a degree, but to further career success.

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    4. @Contingent: I am currently listening to a book called _Snark_ by David Denby right now, which first of all outlines the history of 'snark' and its many incarnations in publications and other form of media, but also theorizes that snark is one form of communication that allows for face-saving criticism but also acts to distance people and further inhibit intimacy. When my friends and I use the term "PhD School," in our conversations, we do it to both poke fun at those who equate it with K-12 education, as well as to 'equalize' and 'co-opt' the term by showing our 'med school' friends that we, too, have put in our time. I can see, too, how the use of it from those who aren't using it ironically would indicate a problem in how we are viewed, overall.

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  4. Now that you know he's behaving according to primate customs, throw some shit at him.

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    1. Not a bad idea, but I don't think she needs to bother. Simply doing what she had good reason for doing anyway -- applying to and getting into a Ph.D. program -- is driving him crazy already. Sometimes unintended consequences are rather satisfying.

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    2. I had somehow missed that you're female, AA. Suddenly Frank's grooming behaviour has an added dimension. Has your suddenly-revealed higher status suddenly made you a desirable mate? Cue grooming/offers of food... has he offered to buy you a coffee?

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  5. @Cassandra--thank you! I am hoping this will aid in the job search. And yes, the unintended consequences are somewhat satisfying....except he's clingy!

    @Beaker---I don't want to get my hands dirty......

    @Merely---no, thankfully he has not offered to buy me a coffee. And we all discuss our spouses in the office, so I'd think he'd be aware I'm taken......

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