In celebration of being human, I present my moments of flakery from this year in the hopes that reminding myself of these moments will stop any more from occurring this month (we're on the quarter system, so there's still plenty of time for more).
The Contemplative Cynic's Moments of Flakery in 2013 (in no particular order):
1. Standing in front of my office door for a full 30 seconds while trying to unlock my office door by repeatedly pushing the "unlock" key on my car's remote while cursing its ineffectiveness. Aloud. And in front of students waiting to conference with me. The great thing about this was that when I went home later that day, my car was unlocked and ready for me. This is not the first time this has occurred.
2. Talking to Slacker Steve about his grade and how I was worried that he hadn't done very well on his midterm exam. Slacker Steve listened politely for two whole minutes while I gave suggestions on how he might raise his grade before saying, "Um, Professor Cynic, I'm not Slacker Steve; I got 96% on the midterm."
3. Eating someone else's strawberry yogurt from the department refrigerator. In my defense, the yogurt looked a lot like the strawberry yogurt I'd left there a week prior. It turns out that there is a HUGE difference between Fage yogurt and Dannon Oikos (hell if I know what it is, but the person whose Oikos yogurt I had eaten gave me an earful about it when I offered mine in exchange). To make amends, I brought my colleague four containers of the "right" yogurt as penance. Now I write my name on my yogurt container, not to stop others from eating it, but so that I know which one I can eat without getting another large sign posted on the refrigerator about only eating one's own snacks.
4. Questioning why students had only answered 30 of the 35 questions. "I don't understand why so many of you purposely just skipped five questions!" I announced. One soul raised her hand to say, "But the instructions said to answer 30 of the 35." Sure enough...
5. In the same category: instructing students to answer five of the seven questions, only to realize that I had provided only five questions for them to answer. Counting is clearly not my forte.
6. Asking a colleague how the dissertation was coming. I'd completely forgotten how defensive I would get when anyone would ask how my dissertation was coming before it was in its final stages and that I had promised myself never to ask anyone about their dissertation in quite the same way. The look he gave me reminded me of why I'd originally vowed never to ask anyone writing a dissertation how it was coming.
7. Silently clapping (making the motions but not actually connecting hands) at all-faculty meeting when the president announced that the meeting would end half an hour early. This resulted in an email from the president asking me if I suffered from low campus morale. I didn't know what that meant, so responded that I had 78 essays still to grade and that the extra half hour was sure to raise my morale.
8. Carrying a 64 oz bottle of apple juice to class, only to have the bag break and the bottle fall through. It bounced all the way down the stairs and broke on the bottom step, and despite my attempts to clean up the whole area (I even used the clunky mop and bucket contraption that requires a special certificate to figure out), several weeks later, I still find sticky spots when climbing the stairs.
9. Becoming enraged during a final exam when I heard a cell phone ring, only to realize the sound was coming from my own bag. This is also not the first time this has occurred.
10. In class, during a lesson on ancient gods, while reading Neil Gaiman's novel American Gods, googling (for all to see, since my computer was connected to the projector) "vagina eating gods." Go ahead. Google it. See what popped up for the whole class's bemusement.
There are more moments, but I cannot possibly cop to more than ten without feeling like a total Profflake. Feel free to confess your own moment(s) of flakery. I suspect I'm not alone... or at least, I HOPE I'm not alone.