Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Sarcasm Is Wasted On the Stupid. A New RYS Playlet. "Charlie Must Be So Stoned!"
Me: So it's a coincidence that you wrote down the exact same 10 wrong (at best) to nonsensical answers as the girl in front of you?
Cheating Charlie: I studied so hard.
Me: This test was a gimmie - I even gave you a review sheet. If you studied for 10 minutes, you should have aced it, or at least known what some of the words meant.
Cheating Charlie: I did - I swear - you can even call my mom [attempts to hand me a phone].
Me: [jaw dropped - long pause] Ok, then why don't you tell me right now what your answer to question 1 was.
Cheating Charlie: [bats eyes - like a cow covered in flies]
Me: It's literally impossible for you to both have come up with these answers, and since she spelled the words correctly, I think she was just guessing and you were looking over her shoulder unable to make out the right letters.
Cheating Charlie: [bats eyes, which are now starting to mist]
Me: So at this point, the Dean has it and it's out of my hands.
Cheating Charlie: OK, yeah I did copy, but you don't understand. I studied so hard and I just wanted to do really well on your test.
Me: If you'd studied at all, let alone "so hard", you'd know she didn't study at all and you wouldn't have bothered to copy this crap.
Cheating Charlie: So I get an F for the term?
Me: That's the school policy. I announced it while you were taking the exam. You looked right at me when I said it, which should have been the sign that it was time to take your test from you right then and there, but I thought maybe you'd rethink it and do the right thing. So don't pretend you don't know what's going to happen to you.
Cheating Charlie: But what about the three strikes thing?
Me: [batting eyes - furrowing brow]
Cheating Charlie: The three strikes thing. This is my third time, so I'll get expelled if you turn me in.
Me: Your THIRD time!!??!!!
Cheating Charlie: Yeah, so you can't turn it in or they'll kick me out.
Me: Well, God knows I wouldn't want a three time cheat to have to suffer the negative consequences of his actions.
Cheating Charlie: [relieved] Oh, Good! That's a load off my mind.